his ex is his best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
his ex is his best friend
4
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:39pm
My boyfiend's ex from several years ago is now his best friend. The problem is that he has had sex with her since they have become "just friends", he has a very strong emotional bond with her, and she is still in love with him and hoping that one day things will work out for them again.

He thinks that this is OK because he values the friendship. I think it is damaging to our relationship because of her intentions and his strong feelings for her. He acknowledges her intentions, but says I need to trust him.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 12:12am
Oh gee, this is not a good situation. I can sympathize with you because this happened to me--only she wasn't his ex. She was in his words "just a friend". However, this friendship seemed to be a lot more. He was her confidant, telling him all about her problems with her boyfriend. He would advise her to leave him. This went on for months while we were dating. Meanwhile I could see him backing off from our relationship--he even went so far as to stop the sex, saying he didn't want me to think he was only dating me for the sex. I also began to see a lot of signs that were leading towards him backing away from us and getting closer to her. Eventually they became emotionally involved with each other and I walked away.

You say they have had sex as friends and are emotionally involved. Was all this while you two were dating? If he had sex with her while you were in a relationship with him then he has disrespected you and has cheated on you with her. He's telling you they are just friends so he can keep you both on a string. He has the best of both worlds. I don't think he would like it if you had a male "friend" that you had sex with while you were dating him. If you stay with this guy you are in for a world of hurt. He is not going to stop seeing her for you. That is obvious. You know what you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:06am
It would be ok if they were more like sister and brother friends, an ex is not necessarily something to fear. But it is when she wants him back, and when they have had sex after a berak up.

I think you not should let this go beacause this obviesly bothers you, and I think you dont have to deal with this because of her intensions. You do not want to end up like the fool who trusted your boyfriend, and end up beeing ditched for his ex. Confront him!

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:45am
It really doesn't matter what we think about it. I'm okay with my boyfriend being friends with an ex and if I trust that he loves me he won't overstep boundaries. If you don't trust him to do that and are uncomfortable with the situation then you make the decision for yourself if you want to be in this relationship anymore. You can't change him to do what YOU want, you can only change yourself and your reactions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 4:04pm
The sex was before me and was supposedly a one time thing and they both agreed it was a mistake, but I don't think she has let go.