His Ex Left him now he won't trust !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
His Ex Left him now he won't trust !!!
3
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:24am
I have been dating this guy for a few months, and I noticed that he doesn't really talk about how he feels about me. He says "If I didn't like you then I would not be with you", which is understandable. But I asked him some personal questions about getting close to people, women in general. He told me that he has a hard time trusting people and getting close because his ex-girlfriend whom he lived with for 4 years left him and took everything he had including his clothes and anything else she could pick up, and he was left with nothing. So now he seems to have a grudge against women, and an attitude like whatever happens with our relationship, happens. I need some advice on how I can get him to let me in and to let him know that I have no intentions on doing anything like that ever. I have told him how I feel, but it doesn't really sink into him, this is a new relationship, so do you think I should take it one day at a time? We don't live together or anything, and he is a good person, but I don't know if I should give him his space and take things slowly or what please HELP me. How do I make him feel good about us?????
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:16am
Well, aparently he was traumatized by the incident with his ex. To be just,i think most of us would be very hurt if a person we've known and loved for 4 years did such a thing.

The first thing you should know is this person is facing a certain issue and that it will take some time. You should be willing to help him, take one step at a time. Time will heal his wounds by itself.

You can help by being supportive and understanding and not pushing him. Do all the small gestures you can to show that your trustworthy. It is natural that he's become more secretive because he was hurt. Help him open up slowly. You need to have patience.

On the other hand though,if this person's attitude is too frustrating for you, and you are getting hurt maybe it is too early for him to be in a new relationship and that would really harm both of you. If he holds a grudge against women then he is not in position to develop a healthy relationship.

Also, in the great majority of break-ups,it's not just the fault of only one person. Especially in 3-4 year relationships. He was living with his girlfriend for 4 years. That's alot of time to get to know each other. Something else must have happened in order for her to do such a thing to him. Remember that you are hearing only his point of view.

Just to be a little sceptic.

Try to measure things and see how deeply hurt he is and also how much are you willing to withstand for this person.

Good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:03am
I agree with Lilith, your guy has some issues to resolve before he can be in a healthy relationship. I wore his shoes for awhile and it's difficult even when you're actively working on your issues (therapy in my case). I've been with my SO for three years now and he's noticed how much better I am today than when he met me. Time also heals old wounds, but not if you don't permit it.

I think he may be a nice man, but if he's not letting you in and not talking to anyone else about things...maybe playing into the stereotypical male thing of doing things by himself, not needing anyone, etc. it's going to take him that much longer to move on from his pain.

I think it's very nice of you to want to help him out, but these are things that he has to do. You can be honest to a T, open up your computer to him, etc. show him over and over that you are trustworthy...but he may never get there. I know one couple that's been together for 20 years where the woman was betrayed by a previous lover and her husband to this DAY is dealing with her jealousies and insecurities. (Which is what motivated me to get practical help!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:41am
Actions speak louder than words, be as gentle and understanding with him as you can without letting him get you down. Hang in there.