His Ex manipulated situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
His Ex manipulated situation
3
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:07pm
I'm so upset...I've been dating a wonderful man for several months who's got a 3,4 & 9 year old. He has custody and his ex sees the kids for only a few hours a week and hardly pays support. She was verbally abusive and cheated on him over and over and finally just walked out and left them all for another man..cleaned out the bank account, everything. We have been doing so well and the kids really liked me..they always wanted me to come over and would tell their mom about the things we'd do. Well, she agreed to basically spend more time with the 9 year old girl..IF..she told her dad that she felt she was losing him because of me. Of course, the nine year old desperatly wants time with her mom and told her dad. Sooo..dad tells me he's now confused and doesn't want to hurt his kids..therefore, he wouldn't mind dating me once in awhile but that's it..no more relationship until he figures out himself. He's now decided that because the ex called and talked to him about our relationship that she is concerned about her kids welfare!..She never even cared until 3 weeks ago he told her we were seriously talking about the future..then she started her manipulations. She can't stand to think he might have moved on from her..even though she is with someone else. She uses his deep feelings for the kids against him. I'm hurting horribly right now..I really loved him..and he loved me. But every Monday when she has the kids, she stirs up trouble and doubt..then he calls and picks fights with me saying he's "unsure" about his life and us. When the kids come back on Tuesday..he's good and everything is great..until they go back to her on Monday and she starts in again.

I guess I just need to move on...I know I'm better off without the headache and his low self esteem..but it hurts so bad....and I need support. Should I try to call and talk to him...or just leave him alone and hopes at some point he figures this out for himself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:31pm
She is not the problem - he is in his reactions. I think this is a perfect example of why the kids should not get too involved until their parent and the new person are engaged at the very least. This is so totally unfair to the children to have to deal with a new person in their life and all these issues. I don't think you want to take on this challenge (I would not) and you should move on and let him focus on his kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 6:22pm
Does your boyfriend realize that both he and his daughter are being manipulated? Go over to the stepparenting board at parentsoup and get a glimpse of your future if you stay with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:07pm
I am getting a divorce and have a dd who is 3 1/2. When my STBX and I talked about dating, we agreed, our dd would not meet any gf/bf until the relationship was serious (6 months minimum). Now that I've been dating for a while, I think maybe it should be at the point I am engaged. Now my situation is different, because we share custody 50/50 and I have every other week and every other weekend to date. But we also agreed that we would talk about it before anyone was introduced to dd. We feel that the other parent has a right to know that dd is going to meet someone new, and to know something about that person ourselves. DD is going to be talking about this new person to the other person, and we feel that if there are any feelings of jealousy, it would be better to be prepared for it than be surprised by it.

This guy has his hands full. How long has it been since his wife left? Are you his first relationship since? If he is going to date, he should think about getting a babysitter once a week and doing it then (on the weekend might be better, of course it seems Monday nights are open too). That way he is keeping his dating separate from his kids, they won't be hurt when the relationship does not work out, and his ex can't manipulate the situation.

My STBX and I both grew up with single mothers. He did not have a father figure, and really got attached to the men his mom dated seriously and/or lived with. When those relationships ended, he felt abandoned... and it happened over and over again. I think most of his issues stem from these experineces. My mom kept her relationships out of our lives for the most part. There were two several year long relationships, and we met them but it was only occasionally and they did not just come over and hang out. My mom did this because she felt they was not sure she was going to marry them. And the result was that when the relationships ended, we did not feel a sense of loss and there was no interuption in our lives.

If you love him, I would take him up on his offer to date once in a while (I hope he means something like bi-weekly). Be patient and let him get his life in order. If you don't want to wait for him though, that is certainly understandable.




Edited 3/9/2004 8:10:24 PM ET by firstamendment

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