His ex is preggo
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| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 5:13pm |
Wow. Where to begin, well I suppose the beginning is as good a place as any. I recently re-entered the wild wonderful world of dating, and as many people have, I am active on a few of the dating website services. I have met all sorts of people, gone on some dates, etc. And I met a guy in particular. Now there are many reasons why this guy was appealing, and so he and I began dating, after talking for about two weeks. It's been about 2 and a half weeks now, so the relationship is very new, but despite that I have acknowledged to myself that I do, so far, like this guy. He is a good man. And at the age of 29, they are not necessarily easy to find. He is 30, I am 29. We mostly would go out on dates over the weekends, and then talk a few times a day on the phone. Three days ago he calls me and it was apparent that something was bothering him. He basically walked through what his ex had just called and told him. That she was/is pregnant. He was stunned. I was dumbfounded.
Now, at this point in time the only thing running through my head pretty much was wow...You know, the whole why is this happening when I just met a good guy, blah blah blah was running through my head. He and I talked for abouet another 40 minutes. At times we were both silent, other times just talking about what he wants, what he thinks she wants.
Fast forward to now. He went with her to see a doctor yesterday (he used to be a nurse) and turns out she is two months along. His position is that 1) He isn't interested in getting back together with her, and 2) that he thinks it would be best for her to terminate. Apparently she asked him, point blank, what he thought was best, and his response was that given the situation it would be best for her not to have a child. He isn't pressuring her, he says, but he also isn't offering too many words of encouragement. She had initially said she was going to get an abortion, but she is waxing and waning on the notion, for obvious reasons. He doesn't know what she is thinking right now, due to the fact that when she had suggested one, of many apparently, "what if's", the "what-if" being the possibility of them getting back together at some point down the road. A few days ago, when she told him, she had informed him that she didn't want to get back together with him because of the pregnancy, when he had inquired of what she expected him to do. She also told him that the pregnancy and their relationship were two different issues, and that she wasn't interested in getting back together with him. Now she is saying she has feelings, etc. and he is telling her he doesn't want to date her, etc. again. When he informed her that they weren't going to date again, she became upset and asked him how he could say that to her.
Now. I obviously am not a major player in this situation, nor do I really want to be. He asked me last night how I was handling all this, and I told him the truth, that my heart and my mind are both being pulled in both directions. Ultimately I do not want to get hurt, of course. I am still interested in this guy, but I understand that he needs his space. So I let him contact me. I don't offer my opinion, he only receives it if he asks. I do ask him each time I talk to him if he has any interest in trying to rekindle the relationship with her, and each time he says no. I genuinely like this guy. I was glad things were progressing the way they were, and wasnt really overly interested in the other men who had contacted me via the online dating side. But now I am trying to take a step back, keep my options open. I called one of the guys who I hadn't spoken with in about a week, asked him if he was interested in meeting for coffee, and he and I are meeting this weekend. But I really, genuinely like the other guy. I am trying to emotionally distance myself a little, go out with other people, etc. until she makes her decision. Believe me I do not harbor any ill will towards this woman, I am empathetic to her situation. I can't even imagine the emotional battle she is going through now. But I cannot also deny my interest in this guy. I honestly don't know what to do, and that is where I will probably be for the next few days. I am not necessarily looking for advice, moreso for reinforcement that I am doing the right thing. Also any words of wisdom from those who may have been in this situation before, in any capacity. I am just confused, and hurting some.
Thanks for reading,
Katie

You talked with him on the phone for two weeks, and you have been subsequently seeing him for 2.5 weeks. So 4.5 weeks ago he's on a dating site, only 3.5 weeks after breaking up with his girlfriend (since she's 8 wks pregnant), meaning he's looking for a rebound relationship. That's problem #1.
Problem #2, as nice as he is, there are so many options for preventing unwanted pregnancy in this day and age that you have to admit, he is irresponsible, and he opts to hang out with similarly irresponsible women.
Problem #3, he has unfinished business in the form of an illegit child. Whether or not she decides to go ahead and have it, this is going to be a very emotional time for him.
Problem #4, if she does decide to have the child, he will be financially obligated to his ex for a couple of decades.
It's cool he was honest with you; despite it all, he does sound like a nice guy...to have as a FRIEND. I have a lot of really great friends that I've gotten a lot closer to as they picked their way through their train wrecks of a life. If you are up to it, you may be just the shoulder he needs to cry on.
However as a romantic interest...you don't need me to tell you that this is not ideal. If you've just arrived on the dating scene recently, believe me, at 29, you have tons of options. Keep them open! Date around, and make it clear to him that you are dating around, so that there's no mistake you are FRIENDS.
Then who knows...relationships are dynamic things. Maybe in a years' time this will be water under the bridge, he'll have learned a lesson from it all, he'll be a year wiser, and you can consider him as dating material at that time.
Right now though you stand a very great chance of laying a shaky foundation for a romantic relationship that's almost guaranteed to crumble. Be FRIENDS now and one day he may thank you for your foresight and wisdom. He's certainly lacking in those areas!!
Edited 3/2/2006 7:59 pm ET by goddess_juju
I'm sorry for your hurt, being an unwitting bystander to the drama.
I will continue this with a few things I see.
Problem #5 - your attitude that at 29 good guys are hard to find. They are hard to find at any age and you can find another quicker than you think
Problem #6 - a pregnancy can happen to anyone. His attitude on abortion would be the show stopper for me. I know that everyone has mixed opinions on this but in my mind he gave no thought to how the exgf feels - he didn't want the best for her - he wants the best for him. Is this what you want him to tell you? I know I could not date a guy that would choose that as a solution. I wonder what he would want to do with a very sick child or an aging parent?
YOu may think he is a good guy but he will not be emotionally available to you now and your relationship will be all about the mess in the past.
Thank goodness you were not that involved - I would say NEXT! My rule is here now ready now for ME. Not "maybe here" and "ready next year." I would rather have a single dad who is proven in the maturity and integrity department. Yes, everyone can make mistakes and stuff happens - that is life - but what people do with those decisions shows a lot about their character.
The two months we have spent together have been like a fairy tale. He called me everyday, saw me every day, worked until almost 3am, but would get back up around 7am to make me breakfast so I could stop and eat on my way to work. He talked about all of the future plans he wanted us to have together. He was so affectionate toward me, talked about me to all of his friends, in front of me and not. Told them how crazy he was over me. Valentines day he bought me numerouse gifts that were very expensive. Then about two weeks ago he started acting very distant..like his mind was somewhere else. Three days after Valentines day, he found out that a girl he had dated about a year ago had just had a baby and said it was his. She won't have anything to do with him and doesn't want him in her or the babies life. The only way he found out was because of her sister. He told me he needed to deal with this on his own, and doesn't want me to have to go through all of this. I told him that should be my decision..but he just keeps pushing me away. There were at least a few calls here and there, but now he has totally quit calling me. I don't know what to think!