His Ex Still Has His House Keys!!
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| Tue, 06-20-2006 - 5:34pm |
I've just started seeing a guy for a few months, and I really like him. Things have been going rather well recently, although after spending last weekend with him, some things came out in conversation that made me think.
He broke up with his ex last January, and she had previously been living with him for a few months in this new house of his. They've known each other for 10 years, and were together on and off, but mostly for the last 3 years before their split in january.
Initially, when I met him, he said that his working all the time and having no time for her was the reason for their split..but the real reason is because she wanted to marry him, and after thinking about it, he didn't feel she was the one for him..as it was more of a friendship than an 'in love' relationship.
After I stayed at his house last weekend, it was evident that his ex has left some of her possessions behind, at his house. Nothing that looks as if she lives there now, just possessions, like her bike which is still in the hall, and some other bits that he's put away in a box, like previous school work. Does this seem strange? Or do you think she's hoping he will change his mind if she leaves her things lying around for him to remember her by?
What annoyed me more was while he was at work, the postman delivered a letter addressed to his ex. Is she applying for things to still be sent to his address, as another reminder to him that she's not there? 5 months is enough time to get your mail redirected.
I found out, in conversation, that his ex still has the keys to his house, and although he said she won't give them back, it seems odd to me, as they broke up in January, so it's now 5 months later. He said he's over her, although he's known her for 10 years, so won't forget her completely.
While I was changing in his walk in wardrobe, I came across a picture of them both together. It was on the floor, leaned up against a mirror. Later that day, I noticed it had then been moved. Maybe he realised he had forgotten to move it, and didn't want me to see it while I was in there getting changed? What does this suggest?
Even stranger, he said she may be round at some point to collect her things, and so if she did, to keep out of her face, as he doesn't like to upset people, and didn't want her to know he was now with me, as he has respect for her feelings. While he was at work last Monday, I couldn't help but feel awkward about the situation. I was sat in the lounge in my lingerie, and what if his ex was to just walk in while I was there? Or worse still, I was with him, and we were in a situation!! It's an invasion of privacy, and if she's no longer with him, she should give her keys back.
Why hasn't he contacted her to get her to collect her things? It's 5 months later..is he hoping she will just show up at his house and they will get back together? Or do you think she's the one in the wrong, leaving her things in the hope he will change his mind and want her back, realising what he's lost?
As I've not been seeing him long, do I have no rights as to how he handles the situation? I'm sure most girlfriends would expect this to be sorted out once and for all. If he's not with her anymore, he should do what's right, and get her to collect her things..and also to hand back the keys.
I don't live with him, so I'm not happy with the fact she has keys to enter his house whenever she wants to.
He's not a player, he doesn't cheat on girlfriends. He's a nice guy, and he doesn't even sleep with a girl unless he's in a relationship with her, as he has values. I thought I would point this out, incase this post is misinterpreted due to what you may think of him as a person.
Help. Advice needed.

Well, I have plenty of thoughts on what he *should* do (like change the locks, rather than waiting to get the keys back, and setting a date to get her stuff back to her and giving it to goodwill if she misses the deadline), but the only thing that matters is what he IS doing. I don't think it's your place, given how short I time you've been dating, to say what he *should* be doing...you can either accept what he's doing or has done, or not. If he asks for your advice, then of course you can give it, but not before.
I think he's just being lazy and not dealing with it. Maybe having a new girlfriend will get him to think about it...or maybe not.
And even if you file a change of address card, in my experience, the post office still messes up and delivers stuff to your old address...so don't assume that because one piece of mail came there, she hasn't taken any steps to change her address.
Sheri
<< He's not a player, he doesn't cheat on girlfriends. He's a nice guy, and he doesn't even sleep with a girl unless he's in a relationship with her, as he has values.>>
Ok, so ... after 10 paragraphs of what he's doing wrong, if the above is how you really feel about him ... then, what's the problem?
Though they only lived together for a few month, surely, after 3 years together, it would be expected that she'd have plenty of things there.
You're wondering why her bike is in the hallway? Simple. She may not have room for it. Look, I'll put some perspective on this here for you, as it doesn't seem that you've had a live-in (or perhaps even a long-term relationship).
When my ex moved out, he had several things here for a LONG time. Heck, it's been over two years and he still has a toolbox in my garage. The thing probably weighs 500 lbs and it's difficult to move. Does it bother me that it's there? Not in the least. I don't think two shakes of it. Neither does my BF.
And, rather than be immature and militant about him moving the toolbox (ie, "we're broken up, get all your stuff out"), I've just let it be ... because, a) it doesn't bother me, b) it doesn't bother my BF, and c) it doesn't bother my ex. I'm doing him a FAVOR by storing it, that's all. It's only a big deal if people make a big deal out of things like this.
And, yes ... we are friends (my ex and I). Just as your BF's ex and he are most likely still friends ... particularly after 10 years of knowing each other. If you cannot accept that, you may want to reconsider your relationship.
The mail ... well, that's just silly. Really, it is ..to think that she's still having her mail directed there. Again, after 2 years of my ex being gone, I STILL get stuff in his name. 2 YEARS! Now, would I ever jump to the conclusion that he's having mail sent here or applying for credit cards or something under this address? Of course not. You know that "cart sort" mail ... that stuff is a result of being on LISTS. It's not personal mail. And, yes ... it does sometimes take a long time, even years, for that type of mail to stop.
I still get mail for people who lived here 10 years ago (tenants). It happens. Big deal. Have you never received mail for the people who lived where you lived before you?
Just last week I got a phone call asking "is there?" ... it sounded like a solicitation. I said "no, he doesn't live here anymore" ... no biggie. Even though it's been two years, it still happens. And, yes ... my BF was in the room. No big deal, no questions ask. I can't control, he can't control, who calls or what lands in the mail.
Really, I do think you need to get a grasp on things. You asked "what does this suggest?" ... it suggests nothing more than him having been in a LTR with someone whom he lived with and shared time and space with ... and it's not unusual for there to be residuals of that.
As for the key, if she wont give it back ... he can change the locks. But, if you're concerned about her walking in whenver she wants ... well, if that hasn't happened yet, it probably won't. Give her a little credit, and your BF some credit for knowing her and what she will or will not do.
My ex had a key to my home for a long time. Why? Because we had dogs together, who still live with me, and if I needed someone to watch the dogs while I was away, he'd come by and feed them, etc. My BF was ok with this ... it's just taking care of dogs, doing me a favor. My BF was never concerned about him barging in on us. Why? Because a) we're all grown adults who respect each other's space and b) he's mature and secure enough to know that his having a key was just in case of needing someone to take care of the dogs, that's all. That him having a key was easier than having to make arrangments to get him one.
If she doesn't have a reason to have a key, then ... by all means, she should give it back. But, he doesn't control her or what she does, and neither can you.
Do you have a right to be demanding about that? No, not as far as I see it. It's between them. If you trust your BF, if you BELIEVE in what you said up there above, I don't see the problem here. If you trust him, you can trust his process with working this out with her. You don't have to trust her, you don't have to think two shakes about her, because if you trust him, you'll trust that he's handling it. Most likely, he'll arrange a time with her to pick up the rest of her stuff ... rather than just letting her "pop by."
<< I don't live with him, so I'm not happy with the fact she has keys to enter his house whenever she wants to.>>
Could this not being happy have something to do with the fact that she has a key, and you don't? Therefore, you don't feel as important or as "deserving" ... since she has a key and you don't?
Gotta get a grip on the projections, assumptions and "what does this mean?" stuff ... it's only a problem if you turn it into a problem.
Good luck!
If someone left his things at my place, and I was no longer wanting a relationship with him, I would get rid of them, whether by mailing them, dropping them off, throwing them away, etc. And, if someone wouldn't give me back the keys to my house, I would change the locks.
So, although I can't know for sure, it seems that he is still dealing with the fallout of his relationship with her, and he doesn't sound ready yet to move on. It doesn't mean he is a bad guy, it just means he still has issues he needs to work out before he can give himself wholeheartedly to someone again.
Take things slow. And at least consider the option of not dating him anymore until he resolves things with his ex.
I agree with the other posters regarding her posessions, the mail (when I moved out of my ex's place, some mail still went there for MONTHS after I'd filed my forwarding request)..
HOWEVER
If I were you, I would take issue with the fact that he will not tell her that he's dating you, out of "consideration for her feelings". If he is considering HER feelings before YOURS, then he's clearly not ready to be moving on.