His EX wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
His EX wife
7
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:14pm
I have an issue with my boyfriend of 3 years. He is divorced 3 times. We have confessed our love and committment to each other and have a great friendship. However his one true love of the past who left him 15 years ago is in the picture. She is the mother of their only child who is now an adult in college. He has a very good relationship with his EX and when the need arises they discuss their child and may spend holiday time together with the family. He claims he doesn't talk to her except when he needs to occasionally talk about thier kid.

So here is my issue and I see it as a red flag, maybe I am wrong? Please tell me if I'am wrong.

The other day my boyfriend said he had this awakening about why he has reacted about a certain aspect in his life. This he has discussed with me before and we have had very close and detailed discussions about all kinds of issues in our lives past and present like good friends and lovers should. This time when this most important realization came to his mind. He called his EX 1st to get her take on it. When he told me about this event it really hurt my feelings that he called her and then later told me about his realization. He at least was honest and told me that he called her, but it has hurt me deeply that he called her 1st. Why did he feel the need to call her about something personal not related to their kid? What was the desire? Is their some unresolved feelings here on his part for her? Does it and should it effect our relationship? It really bothers me? If the shoe were on the other foot, He would have been the first one that I would have called. I really don't know what to make of my feelings, I am confused and hurt. I am not sure that I can deal with his extra emotional connections with his past love. If indeed that is what it is. Am I reacting abnormally?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: jill23q
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:32pm
Since their child is in "college" I am assuming they very rarely talk. When little kids are involved, there is alot of talking--but college? Since he came to a revelation or whatever about his life and called her first--plus who said she was the love of his life?? Tell me please that he did not say that to your face..please tell me that/because if by any chance he said that directly to you---why are you still in this relationship? If he did tell that to you--don't YOU deserve to be the love of someone's life??? So that would make him the wrong person for you--correct? Anyway--to go back--yes this is (in my opinion) a huge red flag that he called her before talking to you. Aren't you his #1??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: jill23q
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 11:09pm
well this is how it goes. I met him during his 3rd divorce and we were good friends for a year before we began dating. During this time we shared alot about our past etc... this is when i learned of his only true love his 2nd wife. Since we started dating that is going on 3 years he has expressed that he loves me like no other. He has also said that he thought he would never love again until he met me. HOWEVER he did call her 1st. I was able to discuss this with him and he saids it was nothing to do with intimacy he just wanted her opinion. Its just that she knew of his past , family etc... I told him that it really bothered me and that I didn't want to know anymore aout his conversations with her. He said he was really very sorry and did not intend to hurt me nor did he think that it would bother me. He said maybe it was thoughtless on his part. He doesn't want any secrets and saids that he won't call her like that anymore out of respect for me. I said I just didn't want to know period. His apology and concern seem genuine. However I still think it needs to be noted a red flag so to speak. She invited us over to her B.Q. for 4th of July. I have never met her and I don't really think I care to at this point in my life. I am not so sure that I want to get chummy with the EX. It makes me feel uncomfortable.Their kid is not in town and I really see no point.I suppose I'll have to decide in the future to go and hang with the family when their kid is in town or just opt out. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: jill23q
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:24am
After hearing more-sounds like maybe he just made an honest mistake. Guys are like that--act before they think. I certainly didn't mean to offend you in any way--I was just giving my opinion. I however do not wish to "just be loved" I want to be the "love of my guys life" (at least when I find the one that I want to spend the rest of it with.) I guess I am a little spoiled, but nothing else will do for me. I'm not saying that you are not the love of his life--cause you probably are (you can be with someone and think that they are the love of your life until you meet someone new and are with them and realize that this person is indead the love of your life and you where wrong about the 1st person.) As far as the 4th party--no way would I do that--way to uncomfortable for me. As you stated it is marked as a red flag--but since he realized what he did and apoligized, move on and try to forget it. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: jill23q
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 3:38am
Yeh I agree! We didn't go to the B.Q. In fact he never even brought it up. His EX did call him today to see if I wanted to represent her in a lot purchase. He told her probably not and then told me that he explained why and that it would be best if he and she talk only when they need to talk about their kid. I don't know how much he said to her, but I told him that she really didn't need to know all of that, you know about how I was feeling. I said now I feel kinda awkward and jeez I told him how I felt and I said if I wanted her to know the details I would have told her myself. I explained that I am sensitive about certain things and a little more private than that. But i brushed it off. I didn't ask that he not reveal my feelings, but I didn't think I had to, NEVER assume. I think he just DOESN'T THINK when he jabbers.He said he just wanted to be honest about the whole issue. Her knowing that I am uncomfortable about being around her or her talking with him makes me feel like an idiot and I don't know why. Oh well. This should not be an issue anymore I hope. Its just that I have a good relationship with their kid and I don't like the idea of her maybe saying something to the kid and then on and on, You know. I need to always make it clear what to repeat and what not to repeat. Maybe I am to sensitive and private.Thanks for your input It has helped alot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: jill23q
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:44pm
Hello jill!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: jill23q
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:20pm
Thanks for responding, since you have read all of my posts here is the latest. As of this morning, I called to say "Good Morning" and he went on to tell me that his EX had called and was going on about her house and that she really wants him to buy it. She had mentioned this before to him the last time they talked, which I had forgotten to mention.Anyway, He said that she also wants him to design her new house ( because that is what he does for a living) She wants him to buy the house so she can deduct part of the design fee from the sale of the house. He is currently looking to buy a house and I was to also be living there part time. I told him that he can buy it and live there if he wants to but I am not living there. I also reminded him that I had told him how I feel about knowing his conversations with her which now he has disregarded 2 times. I told him again that this really bothers me, it makes me uncomfortable and that I don't like it. He had told me before that out of respect for me that he would not talk with her except about their kid. I said do want you need to do and if you do continue talking etc... leave me out of it. I also brought up again that he had said this to me and yet he is throwing his conversations in my face again. He apoligized and said that it is only because he is so used to being open and honest with me and he doesn't want to have secrets. I said that I appreciated that however I know my own limitations and that is that. I think that he feels compelled to tell me to relieve his feelings of uneasiness at my expense. I just cannot deal with this emotionally, I have too many bad experiences from the past with simular relations. I'd rather not know. I have come to the realization that he is going to continue at least in business with her in some way. I can see it coming. He said that this was only business and again he has no feelings for her or any thoughts of pursuing her. My stomach is in knots and I just feel awful. I have had this feeling to many times before in my past and I donot have room for this anymore. How do I handle this ? I am so confused and I feel like he is not being respectful of my feelings. This is just nuts we are so good together, but this relationship he has really bothers me and it has not been an issue until now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: jill23q
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:34pm
Jill,