His female friends
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His female friends
| Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:28pm |
My boyfriend has a lot of female friends (he has a few male friends but they are all married and mostly spend time with their wives). He says they all abandoned him since he is the last single one of his crew left. Most of his female friends are single or dating someone and he says they confide in him for male advice. The other day I had a Girlz Night out (nothing wild). My boyfriend said he may stay home that night. The next day he told me that he ended up meeting up with one of his females friends for appetizers at a restaurant. It had to be late because he said the food was half price and they usually do that special after 10PM. My boyfriend said she had just gotten back from vacation, they hadn't seen each other in awhile, and she was having relationship issues and wanted to talk. This is not the first time he has done this. (Whenever I have a Girlz Night, he seems to conveniently get in contact with one of his female friends.) This really makes me angry. I never go out with my guy friends alone (I go in a group or something). I don't like him going out with his female friends alone. I trust him but it still leaves room for temptation, especially when his female friends are usually depressed from an argument with their boyfriend or something. I do like having a Girlz Night every now and then and I don't mind if my boyfriend hangs with his guy friends while I am out with my girl friends. The problem is he doesn't really have any guy friends. If I ask him not to hang with his females friends when I am out with my girl friends, he probably would start getting upset when I go out with my girlz. What should I do?

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You really don't trust him and feel jealous of his female friends. Temptations are every where and he could cheat on you at any time with his female friends, alone or with his guy friends.
Has he done something to make you think he's cheating? It'd unfair to ask him not to hang out with his group/female friends if you're out hanging out with yours. He's got a life too you know. The day he comes home to you with lip stick on his lips or shirt, smelling of perfume OR with a girls number in his pocket that day you can ask him why is he cheating on you.
Don't look for something that you haven't lost, you can loss it.
I hate to sound like a broken record here, but I have to agree with the other poster that this may be your problem and not your boyfriend's if he's given you no reason not to trust him. I'd do a little soul-searching and try to figure out what's behind the feelings you're having about him hanging out with his female friends. Personally, if a guy I'm dating has no female friends, that's a huge red flag because that tells me that he might have trouble relating to women.
Holly
I can understand your feelings. There is temptation in the scenario you described and lets face it...alot of "friendships" are really attractions on some level, even if no one likes to admit it. Many times people in mediocre relationships get some sort of fulfillment from the "friend" that their SO doesn't provide. So they think their love relationship is doing FINE, until you take away the opposite sex friend and then all of a sudden, things go bad. It is because the opposite sex friend provided the woman with something she was missing in her life. And that is when I have seen more "friends" of the opposite sex appear - during those times and those relationships.
Some guys are just insatiable that way, they need alot of female attention - it is really the attention that they want, but they don't realize that women can take it to an emotional level, even if she never confesses her attraction to him.
I wouldn't go out socially even with a group of guys, let alone one guy if I was commited to someone - it's asking for trouble on alot of levels. When you are in a commited relationship the two parties need to protect the relationship and why ask for trouble with "friends" who would be happy to undo your relationship, even with a one-nighter? Those friends of your SO will disappear the minute they meet a guy, or when they are done using him (for whatever reason), so they are no friends at all.
Since he has no single guy friends your situation is difficult. Can't his married friends meet him for a beer or go bowling with him or can't he go to their houses to hang out? when I was married both times my ex's had single friends that always came over or the three of us would go out together..it was no big deal.
I would mention something to him and see what he says. It is better than eating yourself up inside.
I need to add something. I am going to take Holly's statment of, "Personally, if a guy I'm dating has no female friends, that's a huge red flag because that tells me that he might have trouble relating to women." And I'm not going to disagree with Holly personally, but this is a new concept, developed by men, and I totally disagree with whoever was the spin doctor who got this going.
Men can perfectly relate to women without having female friends who he sees on an individual basis. I am probably older than the rest of you, but while I was growing up and in my 20's and 30's this phenomenon wasn't present at that time.
Alot of women bought that story, I don't. Opposite sex friends tend to violate the boundaries that a love relationship has set for itself. But then again, I grew up during a time where boundaries and limits were respected. These days alot of group sex is the rage so make sure that there are NO boundaries. Think of cults like Charles Manson - not trying to be morbid, but when a new girl or girls joined the group, they had group sex, to make sure that that the girl had no boundaries anymore so she couldn't say, "hey, this is where you end and this is where I begin." Men are good at convincing women to try it and go along with it because alot of women need that approval. If a woman enjoys it, great, for now you do. But just remember the intent behind it. Any woman that I have ever met who has done "swinging" has had terrible self esteem...I'm sure because of how she was demoralized, but kept a brave face and "raves" to everyone how great it is. Maybe to the guy it is great because he gets to cheat legally and he is emotionally finished with the woman anyway so it won't bother him to watch her have sex with someone else.
The same goes for female friends - alot of guys ram it down a woman's throat so she can always stay on edge. It varies depending on the guy and the situation, but if a guy gave me a line that said, "well, wouldn't you be concerned that I wouldn't know how to relate to a woman if I didn't have female friends?" I'd tell him to stick where the sun don't shine.
It takes all kinds. :) I realize the "When Harry Met Sally" musing of whether or not men and women can really be friends is a debated subject and can get pretty sticky when you mix new love interests into the equation.
My perspective is perhaps a little different since I grew up with boys as friends, and keeping platonic male friends is a practice I kept through high school, college, and into adulthood. If I ever had a boyfriend who was bent on me not seeing my friends because they were male and happened to be single at the time, then I'd have to seriously evaluate that relationship because no one is going to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. By the same token, I would never try to change someone in that way if he gave me no reason to believe that his intentions were the least bit unhonorable. So yes, it is unfortunate that sometimes players may use such lines to disguise a not-so-innocent relationship with a woman he's not dating. But, in fairness, merely having and socializing with a female friend does not a player/liar/cheater make.
There is always something to be said for boundaries. But I think if someone has a boundary of opposite sex friendships having restrictions then that should be made clear early in the relationship. If both people can't agree on something like that, then it may be difficult to succeed with such a difference since it will be a point of conflict.
Edited 5/22/2007 1:28 pm ET by hollypicklefox
Funny, isn't it? I have tried being socially friendly with men, only when I was divorced or single or dating casually, not while I was married or serious with someone. And what I found out was that I have never had a male who positioned himself to be a "friend" to me without wanting something more down the road or who didn't try to sabatoge an existing dating scenario with "advice" or wanting more of my time or when I would confide he would not speak kindly of the SO.
I agree, the subject of opposite sex friends needs to be addressed early on in the relationship as a values system type of parameter.
I agree with "Harry" - the sex gets in the way.
"I think his female friends may get emotionally attracted to my boyfriend when pouring out their relationship woes to him. Almost using him as an emotional crutch." - you are absolutely correct. Think about it - when you are talking to your friends, assuming you are heterosexual and your friends are of the same sex, you get close to them. That is how friendships develop, by each person confiding something about herself. So it is natural to not only get emotionally close to a guy, but if you are heterosexual and you find this person attractive, you will also feel vibrations that are similar to romantic feelings when you are confiding in him and feeling as though he is "there" for you. As far as using him as a crutch, you are probably correct again. I caught myself doing that only once, but I realized that the potential was there for it to happen repeatedly. Once their relationship woes are gone, his friends will disappear.
"I just don't think my boyfriend realizes that some of his females friends may start becoming attracted to him when they are vulnerable and heartbroken." -- he may and he may not. It may become clear to him down the road, but initially he may not acknowledge it to himself because then he is in a bit of a jam.
"I think they are his friends because he likes to give people advice and he may even like the attention from the opposite sex." --- so for him...it is about feeling important and feeling desirable. This has nothing to do with you or your relationship - this is a part of him that you or a hundred "you's" may not be able to squelch. The only thing you can do here is to discuss your feelings with him about this one particular point. You can relay to him that this one area is a problem for you because you feel it could jeopardize the relationship. Now, if he doesn't perceive this as a problem...then you have a real problem. Normally if an issue is a problem for one person ... it results as a problem for the couple - it is not mutually exclusive. If he does this because he doesn't sense enough attention from you...then it is easy to solve..if that is, in fact, the case. My first husband needed attention from women constantly...and it didn't matter how old they were - they could be senior citizens waiting on line for the bus...it didn't matter. I realized I could make him the center of every single moment of my life and it didn't matter - he still needed this attention and eventually I grew tired from it. I felt it was because he had underlying issues from being adopted, but he never perceived this as a problem (or his adoption)...eventhough it did put a kink in our relationship, so it never resolved.
"He even stays in contact with most of his ex-girlfriends which I find very unusual." -- that is not a good thing. I stayed in touch with my second ex husband because of my cat needed to be looked after while I was away, which, was a mistake. And I have had to stay in touch with other exes recently because of a life crisis, but otherwise I have no reason to contact them and they feel likewise.
Is he insecure?
I had a boyfriend like this before. He was a PLAYER! He had lots of female friends and everytime they had boyfriend problems, he'd be the first they'd call to cry and go out for drinks. I felt like you and told him. Your boyfriend is not naive. He knows what's going on. Sometimes the men will pull a fast one too on a woman who's vulnerable.
Ok, I'm going to break it down to you like this. This is my opinion and I'm sure it will be an unpopular opinion but here it goes. Your man does not need all of these women friends in his life, not when he has you around. If he feels he needs a whole lot of women friends, then there must be something that your relationship is missing. Something you may not be providing. I don't know what that is but he's keeping his options open, believe you me.
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