His female friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
His female friends
3
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:45am
I've been involved with a man that I have fallen in love with, but am confused about some of the things that he wants to continue to do. We are talking about moving in together and I am very excited by the idea. However, the other night we had a discussion about some of the things that have been troubling me and I would like to hear some opinions on the matter.

First, for all practical purposes, the relationship started this New Year's (2004). I visited him for a few days, as I live out of town, and wanted to stay another day when he gave me the distinct impression that it would not be a good idea. So, I left and returned home. When I got home, there was an email message from him in which he stated that the reason that I could not stay was because an ex-girlfriend had been harassing him and that he wanted to clear things up with her without involving me. However, he felt really bad about not telling me, he didn't want to lose me, and that he hoped that I understood that he wanted to take care of this "baggage" alone. I accepted his explanation and decided not to make a big deal out of it. Apparently, the ex has called him a couple of times since then but he says that he wants nothing to do with her.



A couple of weeks later I visited him again. Again, I wanted to stay an extra day but this time he said no because he had made plans with a (male) friend of his a couple weeks before to attend a "social networking" function. Upon returning home that evening he called me and told me that the function was sponsored by "The Square," that it was just OK and that he did not make any good "networking" connections.

A couple of weeks later I again visited him. This time there were no plans to interfere with our time together. LOL One day we were playing "what if" hypotheticals, which would create scenarios where we each found ourselves in a situation and would state how we would react to the situation. One hypo that he gave to me was how would I feel if he attended a concert, without me for any number of reasons, and that due to weather or drunkeness, he was forced to spend the night in a hotel and share the bed with a woman. When I asked why or how that would occur, he said that it was a large group of friends, nothing sexual, and that he and she were odd-man out and were forced to share a room together. He presented the hypo in two ways, the first was with real bad weather making driving conditions really hazardous. For that one, I said that I would not like the idea but that I would prefer him to be alive and home with me the next day, rather than his trying to drive in the bad weather to get home to me. Then he said what if he and the others in the group just got wasted and nobody could drive, would I still trust him to spend the night in a bed with a woman. As I do love him and trust him, I told him that I would not like the idea but that I would understand.

Lastly, he told me that he was involved in various online dating groups. Over the years, he joined so many of them that he could not recall them all, but that due to our relationship he was cancelling his membership in all that he could recall. Recently, he visited me as we were looking at my furniture to determine how we would combine our goods together when we move in together at the end of this month. On one afternoon, after he was using my computer to check for email, I went to check mine. After checking my email and closing the window, a pop-up from a site that he had visited came on the screen indicating that the love-connection session was terminated. I did not say anything then but waited a couple of days and then raised the issue of online dating with him, that I was concerned over whether he was still accessing these sites or entering into conversations with any other women. He told me no, that occassionally a message from one of the sites that he did not recall would send him a message and that he would immediately cancel that subscription. He then stated an example of another site that just sent him one and that he did in fact cancel membership. However, he did not mention the site that he left on my computer. When I questioned him about that one, he said, "Oh yeah, I cancelled that one also." He apologized for my seeing the pop-up and told me that I should have raised the issue with him right away as he would have explained that he had just cancelled his membership.

I half jokingly told him that he could have all the male and gay friends that he wants, but he told me that he hates hanging out with guys. He also says that most of his friends are women, but that they are all platonic friendships. He insists that he must have a social life, and that he misses going out with his friends. When I asked what his "friends" provide him that I cannot, he said that they provide him with a link to his past and that I should be happy with the thought that I provide him with the present and future. When I suggested that we should be making our future together, he told me that the idea of his having to give up his "friends" troubles him greatly, and that I could meet all of his friends but that I should be forewarned that I probably will not like any of them. He insists that I understand that there is nothing wrong with him going out for drinks with these friends to "catch up."

He understands that I have trust issues as I have been burned badly in the past. He insists that he loves me completely, that he would never cheat on me, that he would never lie to me, and that if I don't trust him that I should tell him so.

I am afraid that I may be too close to the trees to see the forest. Am I over-reacting?

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jo9871
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:58am
your relationship started at New Years, where he still had ex girlfriend involvement and you are moving in at the end of this month? why?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: jo9871
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:16am
You are not overreacting per se, but you certainly do not know this man well enough to move in with him! What you have here is some unanswered questions. You are not sure if you are comfortable with his "friends" being girls, and you don't know if he is accessing dating sites and still talking to potential women. These issues will be answered for you in time, but if you move in together now, you will not be able to break up easily if you don't like the situation down the road a little. I think the chance you will not like the situation down the road is 50/50 - too much of a risk to move in together!

I would not ask anyone to give up their friends, or other interests for that matter, just to be with me. Of course friends provide something that romantic relationships don't. But I would also be skeptical that all his friends are girls, and I would want to meet them and feel like I could join them for a night out.

Why the rush to move in together anyway? You don't have much to gain and quite a lot to put at risk by doing so.

I am not anti-living together. I lived with three people before I was married (that includes my STBX-husband). Two of the times we moved in together really fast and it was a big mistake both times. Actually, it was a mistake all three times but you can't always make the best decisions. You can however increase your odds that it will work out by taking a little more time to make sure he is the one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: jo9871
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:17am
I think your relationship has bigger problems than his need for companionship aside from you. Why are you moving in together after less than four months?

As for the friend issue, everyone needs friends. Is there some particular reason why you have a problem with his friends, except for them being female?


In a nutshell, it sounds to me like you are in serious danger of messing things up by going too fast and becoming too dependent on this relationship. Please consider your actions for the long term. For the sake of all, slow down.

Keep us posted.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com