His inability to deal with my "past"
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His inability to deal with my "past"
| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:46pm |
Deleted.
Edited 5/10/2004 3:33 pm ET ET by thistle884
Edited 5/10/2004 3:33 pm ET ET by thistle884

I imagine that by 52 he would have a VERY hard time dating a woman who hadn't engaged in much of the activities life has to offer (concerts, restaurants, ferris wheels etc). One only has so many firsts. I've learned that no matter how much potential you see in someone - if it's not there when you are together - you are not going to make it happen.
I find that the healthiest decisions often hurt the most but at the end of the day it feels good to know you did right by YOU. Talk to him. See if he is willing to communicate to you where all of this insecurity comes from (if he hasn't dated a lot prior to marriage nor after the death of his spouse - that could explain a lot). Most importantly, if he is not willing to work together, evolve together - gather your strength and a pint of Ben & Jerry's (YUM!)and grow with someone else. (i know i know easier said than done). Hope that helps...
Hmmm. Let's see.
How would he know you put your ex on a pedestal? Oh, you must have told him, repeatedly.
If your "feelings" for your ex couldn't possibly matter now, why bring them up for discussion? That might seem disingenuous to some observers.
How would he know that you've been to the places he's taken you, with other men? Oh, you must have told him, repeatedly.
He may not be jealous at all. He may simply be tired of hearing about your ex and former boyfriends and dates. And, more importantly, you must be telling him these things for a reason; especially since you've established the fact that he does not care to hear about those past relationships, ad nauseam. Why is it that you continue to tell him these things? What do you hope to gain from that behavior?
Most women would love to hear the words "I want this relationship to be 'just about you and me (sic)';" especially since "he has so much promise otherwise." If they like the guy, they can usually take the hint (even though at this point, the situation seems to have required less of a hint and more of a direct statement).
It sounds like you do not really care for this man; why waste your time with him? It sounds to me like you need more "raw interaction" than this guy is interested in experiencing. That's cool, sometimes men like that in a woman. But what he wants is important too, isn't it? And, it doesn't sound like he is cut out for or interested in life on the "edge."
What does "which is a real shame because it has so much promise otherwise" mean? Does that mean he's a good catch or something? Or, does it mean he is a good man? I mean to ask, specifically: which is it?
If it means he is a good catch, maybe your motives are suspect (i.e., why would you stay with him if you don't like him?). If it means he is a good man, why are you continuing to irritate a sore spot with a good man?
I think you don't like this guy. If you did, you'd put all that "ex" and "old boyfriend" crap away and just have a one-to-one relationship with him; he would not be placed in a situation where he feels that he is constantly dealing with the "Ghost of Relationships Past," which is clearly uncomfortable to him.
"Please provide any insight to what his problem is" Perhaps his problem is that he is with the wrong person.
Perhaps that is your problem with this relationship as well.
dh
Edited 5/2/2004 6:03 pm ET ET by idarkhorse
i am a widow in my 40's and my SO is a divorced man with teenagers...and so his X is very much a part of our world...as the mother of his minor children he deals with her on a daily basis...and i admit i sometimes feel its more difficult for me because my husband is dead and obviously not an active part of my life...there are times when i feel the weight of his baggage and some stress having "another woman" in his life...i don't feel insecure in that i feel certain he has no romantic feelings for her, but it does feel heavy at times....and on the other hand i get the feeling that he too has some stress living in the shadow of the ghost of my late husband...
its hard to blend our lives and have a romance middle aged when we all have baggage.
but i do think dh that you touched on a good point in that this poster must be talking about her past in order for her new man to have something to stress about.
honey
I agree that you should really try to refrain from talking about your ex-husband, as much as possible. Naturally, there's no way to avoid talking about him altogether because he was a major part of your life and your past.
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