His mother is very controling!! Help!!!
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| Mon, 11-07-2005 - 6:39am |
I need advice, please. I'm 30 years old, my house, my job, and I'm having a 5 month relationship with a fantastic guy I love so much. We get along very well, and have plans to go live together. But he still lives with his mom and his brother because he's 25 and is finishing his last year in college.
2 months ago, I introduce him to my mother at her home, and she was wonderful with him, very nice and gentle. So much that many times we go to my mothers and also sleep there. My mother is very happy for me.
This last weekend, I went lunch at his home and met his mom. She was very diferent from mine. She was not very receptive, all the time in a defensive way, talking most of the time with his sons and not with me. I was nice and polite, but she was not very much. She seems to be a very controling and possessive person, trying to control her sons life. Saturday he slept at my house, so yesterday when we were saying goodbye, she told him: so, today you came sleep here, ok? This in front of me!!!
I sensed she can be a problem in our lives. For example, he only sleeps with me at weekends, never at week days!! And only if she doen's come up with something for him to be sleeping at her house at weekends also. I don't understand this, I think she's a very selfish person, because she should be happy for her son, and not behaving like this.
Please advice, I don't want to have problems with him because of her, but I also don't want her interfering in our relationship. Should I have an honest conversation with him? What do you think?

Well, he does live with his mommy...
Until he's on his own and living like a grownup, I wouldn't voice too many opinions about his mother.
Plus, you've only known him 5 months... that's not very long.
If he were my kid, I would be thinking the same thing about you...why is this older woman sniffing around my kid when he's not even out of the house, got a job, maintained a job, etc.? She's ready to settle down probably, but I want him to be out there having a good time and meeting a lot of nice women. I'm sure you're a nice woman...but can you see how she might not take to you straightaway?
What is it exactly that you want to say to him about her anyway...? She may be a selfish person...and you need to think on the fact that YOU (or he) can't change her...you CAN put your boyfriend between a rock and a hard place and see what that will get you.
"I don't see anything at all wrong with dating a younger man...but he _should_ be independent, have his own place, have a career going, etc. There's 25 and then there's 25. Your guy seems inappropriate on a lot of levels...Mr. Right Now, not a keeper. Normally I say go for it, but when you're in such different stages in your life, don't set your heart on it."
Well, he's finishing his last months in college. 6 months from now on, he'll be working full time, so I don't think I should dump him now. I think a relationship should be based on companionship also, not on selfih purposes.
"I notice that he's only around on the weekends...is it because he's a busy student or because he's keeping his distance?"
Well, he's not only around on weekends, we are together mostly everyday, he only sleeps at my home on weekends...
"If he were my kid, I would be thinking the same thing about you...why is this older woman sniffing around my kid when he's not even out of the house, got a job, maintained a job, etc.?"
Just because... I LOVE HIM!!!! Do you know what the word means: LOVE? Love him because of what he is while a person and not love him because he has a great job, a great car, a great house!!! In this selfish and stupid world is it so absurd to love a person for what he is?
"She's ready to settle down probably, but I want him to be out there having a good time and meeting a lot of nice women. I'm sure you're a nice woman...but can you see how she might not take to you straightaway?"
So that's what she wants. But guess what? That's HIS life, not hers!! And instead of hanging around with a lot of nice women, maybe he wants to be with me, the woman he LOVES!!! Again I ask, do you know the meaning of the word LOVE? And true feelings?
"What is it exactly that you want to say to him about her anyway...? She may be a selfish person...and you need to think on the fact that YOU (or he) can't change her...you CAN put your boyfriend between a rock and a hard place and see what that will get you."
I don't want her to change, I just want one thing called RESPECT!! There are limits of good sense and one of that limits is respecting his son choices of his intimate life and his choices of girlfriend, that has nothing to do with her. Sons and daughters are not things we own. Are individuals with diferent personalities and goals in life and need to be respected. It's just that. As I respect the relationship between them, she has to respect ours, liking or not.
I'm more pragmatic than you are. It's not about the job or the career...it's the fact that you're probably wanting to settle down and the guy hasn't had the chance to even move out of his house and get a career established. Stop and think about all those girls you know that left their parents' homes and went straight into some guy's apt. or marriage after college or high school? People need to fulfill their potential. Guys are notorious for not being ready to settle down in their 20s, more than anyone, they're going to suffer from the grass is greener over there syndrome.
I wish you luck. Venting on the board is great...but you have to think up some smart strategies to be able to be in this for the long term. Say that he's the exception and ready to set up house with you upon graduation or before and get married some day, what about her? Will you ask him to step up to her? What if he does? What if he doesn't? Is it at all important that you win her over...? What about when you guys have a child? Are you going to move to another state so that you can just ignore her? Where does he stand on all of this? I know someone that left CA and it wasn't the schools or the housing or jobs, it was his parents...but he was on his wife's side. My own husband had to play interferance because his family didn't like me and he had to take them aside...they didn't make nice until I was around for TWO years.
Where is your boyfriend on this? Sympathetic? Willing to talk to her? Telling you to respect her?
I understand that you love this young man, and there's no reason why you shouldn't love a
Start
I'm just amazed with one thing... did you asked me if I want to settle down right away? Why should be me who wants that just because I'm 30 years old, my job and my house?
Now I'm gonna tell you something you'll be surprised: it was HIM who first talked about living together when he finishes college, and also about marriage and have kids, not ME!!! I guess he wants that even more then me. I would love to live in the same house then he, but I don't want to marry or have kids right away, I want to stablish a career first (because I have a job now, not a career), I want to travel a lot to other countries with him, I want to live many other things before marriage and having kids.
And if he wants to end college and live with me, why shouldn't he if that's what he wants? I don't think love resolves any issues, I only think that the love we feel it's the most important for us to be together and find ways to resolve the issues!!
About I'm not beeing anyone special to his mother and she doesn't treat me like that, well, I don't ask to be special to her, I just ask for her to respect HIS son and HIS choices!! It's not only him who needs to respect her, because respect goes both ways. She should respect me and our relationship because HE'S special to her and HE's happy with me!! That's what healthy parents do.....
Edited 11/9/2005 4:15 am ET by justlikeit