His parents "keep him busy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
His parents "keep him busy"
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Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:00pm
discussion title: Parents "keep him busy"

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message #: 19448.1

from: junglepunk215

date: 11:56 am

replies: 1

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I posted this on another board seeking advice as well!

I have been seeing this wonderful guy for 2 years now, and his biggest fault is letting people walk all over him. He will drop everything to go fix someone's car that he hasn't heard from in a year. Anyway, the biggest problem with this is his own parents. He does everything for them, but it's starting to become a problem. I live a little far away, and every time I drive up there to see him, they send him on errands and make him do housework the entire time, while I sit by myself. It's starting to get ridiculous.

For example, this Sunday I went up there to take him out for his birthday, and because I was away and hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. His dad asked him to quickly help him with something, which I was okay with. TWO HOURS later, he was still in the backyard BUILDING A SHED!! I sat and watched TV alone inside. He knows I get upset about this, but he feels like they're his parents, and since he still ives there, that he should do what they ask him. It happens every single time I go up there and it's really becoming a problem! What should I do?? Help!



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:47pm
Perhaps instead of going to his place, invite him out. Tell him you'll meet him somewhere OTHER than his place, don't even pick him up there. Are they like this all the time, or just when you come over? He really should talk to them, at least to say that when you come over, he's going to be focusing a little more time on you and that their requests will just have to wait a few hours. I mean, c'mon!

Also, is there any way that maybe you could pitch in sometimes to help the *job* get done faster and that way you're A) getting to spend time together and B) will be able to just hang out longer.

And may I ask how old he is?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:55pm
He used to have his own home, which is by me, but recently he had the bad luck of getting a d.u.i. (he's not much of a drinker, he just had bad luck ::sigh::) and finding a really good new job at the same time..The only situation that would work is to have him move back home during the 7 months that his license is revoked, so that he can get someone to drive him to the new job, which is near his parents' home. He's going to be 27 years old, so it's been tough for him going back home...oh, and his parents are ALWAYS like that, not just when I come over. Thanks so much for your input Alison!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:59pm
Wow, they took away his license for 7 months? Is that for a first offense, or what?

I certainly can see about the getting a ride, but is there no way that he can take a bus and therefore not have to rely on his parents?

I think he's going to have to change how he responds to their requests, that's all. Instead of jumping for them, if you are over- or if he's doing anything for himself at all- and they ask him for some time, he should be a little more assertive. Not to say that he shouldn't help them out, but really, I think he can tell them that they can wait. If he's made plans with you and they suddenly HAVE to have a shed built, they can wait 3 hours. (Or hire someone). So encourage him to just change the response time to them and see how it goes.

But I do empathize with how you're feeling. My ex and I would drive an hour and a half to visit his parents and he would end up doing all this work around their house and yard. Yet they had a son living at home, but he wouldn't lift a finger!!

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:17pm
Well lets just get down to the basics.

His family are priority over you. You realize this right?

In his defense, I think he does owe them if he lives at home with them, if I lived at home with my folks I would be required to help out, I am required to help when we have family parties even though I don't live there. They are my parents so I help.

If everytime you have plans his parents ask him to do something. Then maybe he needs to take a cab or a bus to your house rather than you picking him up.

Unfortunately things will probably not change. You say he's done this all along, he knows it bothers you and yet he continues to prioritize them. So I would change YOUR response. Say you have plans to go see a movie at 7 pm. If he goes out back to help dad, at 6 pm yell out the back and say "I'm heading to the movies now it's 6 pm, I'll call you later"

You continue to placate him and wait around for him. DO NOT DO IT!!! If you have plans to go somewhere and if you are sitting around for hours, then stop sitting around for hours, pick up your stuff and go home or leave. It's the only way he's going to get that it bothers you this much, everything else is just whining.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 9:28pm
It's NOT his parents, it's him....the issue here is that he neither puts his needs first nor he prioritizes his relationshp with you against his parents' needs and rather "lives" to help others. It seems that he's a people pleaser. He wants to help evreybody and doesn't say "no" even if that interfieres with his life. This man is not a man to trust, as he'd live you hanging if it comes to assist other people. I suspect that this behavior has not develped after his DUI or recently, but that he's been like this since he was a kid. I'd think about my relationship with him, if he's like this dating...imagine married!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:59am
This is a problem. He needs to assert himself with his parents - or does he prefer building a shed for 2 hours while you are alone? This was on his birthday?? His parents thought it was preferable for him to work like a dog than enjoy a special day with you? Does he ever come up to visit you and spend time in a place where his parents won't usurp his time? Has he expressed interest in moving out?

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