His words vs. his actions...WHAT GIVES

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
His words vs. his actions...WHAT GIVES
10
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:03pm
I’ve been dating someone for about three months, both of us in our upper 30’s and both divorced. We had “the talk” about a month ago regarding exclusivity, etc. We both agreed we wanted to date only eachother, we both wanted more than a sex only relationship at this point in our lives…it was a good discussion. The next night when we went out our relationship became physical. That was March 25. I had minor surgery about two weeks and was in some pain for a week after that and he was finishing tax season (accountant). What I noticed after our relationship became physical was this change in him. Every conversation is about sex on IM. When we talk on the phone to make plans I’ll suggest a movie, dinner, play, etc. and he’ll say “Let’s just have dinner in and rent a movie, I want you all to myself tonight”. As soon as I get there or he gets to my place, he’s trying to usher me upstairs for the night. Three days after my surgery we talked and he said he missed me and wanted to see me. I missed him too and told him if he wanted to come over since I couldn’t drive yet we’d rent a movie and order pizza. I joked that I wasn’t up to cooking or even climbing the stairs yet and was sleeping in the living room since I couldn’t get up the stairs to my bed. He said “well, I’ll wait until next week to come over..I don’t want to drive the 20 miles unless you are fully healed if you know what I mean.” I just said “fine, whatever”. Frankly, I was on Percocet and didn’t have a care in the world…lol. So now I’m healed and it’s the same thing…no enjoying eachother’s company..it’s just wanting sex with him. I finally confronted him yesterday when he IM’d me and kept relating everything back to that and started on weekend plans, yet didn’t want to do anything except for me to come over. I told him how I felt and that I wanted more than a sexual relationship and he said he did too when we talked a month ago…and that frankly what’s been going on in this relationship just isn’t meeting my needs. He apoligized and we ended the conversation because I had a meeting. I IM’d him this morning at work to say “hi and what have you got planned this weekend with your kids” since he has them on Sat. He was very short and said “I’ve got a meeting and I’ll talk to you later”. Well, it’s been an hour and his IM hasn’t gone idle so I know that he’s there and not in a meeting. Anyway, I think I’m going to just drop it and not contact him again…and frankly, with his behavior lately I’m not upset about it much. Anyone else have any insight into this? Our “exclusivity” conversation was very good..there were no assumptions made on my part. I have been lurking on these boards for sometime and pay great attention to much of your advice, especially doubleblade and northwestwanderer. I took great pains to make sure I listened to what he said..and he was very verbal in the fact that he wanted a real relationship with me..not just sex and he was looking long term. I also verbalized that was my need to and while sex was an important part for me..it wasn’t all for me…I wanted to really continue to get to know him, have fun together and look at the long term. His words and actions just aren’t matching. Aaaaargh!!! If he contacts me though...I'm not sure where to go from there..suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:45pm
Yeesh! I went through this very same thing last year. Let's clear up one thing first- sexual exclusivity does not mean relationship or commitment to a man. It only means he's sleeping with one cow- and can still roam the pasture as long as there's no sex involved. I had this exclusivity with my boyfriend before he was my boyfriend and he still wanted us to date other people. I simply told him that I lose interest in someone who isn't completely interested in me and only me and I broke up with him. I was devastated because I really felt such a strong connection to him. He called me a couple of times every week, and a month later asked me to date him exclusively because he was ready to make a commitment. Now I'm trying to get him to marry me! Men only make decisions when they decide it's themselves making the decision and that it's not being made for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:33pm
Actually misscharm, I believe exclusivity means you are exclusively with one person -- dating one person, seeing one person, in a relationship with one person. In other words, not looking around at all. Monogamy means sleeping with only one person. Technically you can be monogamous but not exclusive (but not the other way around). That's what someone is doing if they are only sleeping with one person but looking for, or dating others, too. Someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on that but that's my understanding anyway.

To the OP, his actions are telling you all you need to know about him. Just for the sake of comparison, I had surgery when I was dating my husband and his main concern was about my health and how he could help me out during my recovery. Your guy sounds like a selfish loser. Sorry, but that's my opinion. You deserve better....please keep looking. Remember, you only end up with what you choose for yourself. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:40pm
Seems straightforward to me.....he claimed he wanted a relationship - you say you want one...did you actually discuss the definition of relationship - what you'd each give and sacrifice and waht you'd each get? That might be a little much for this early in this liason, actually.

But, basically - he said he wanted a relationship, and now he's just after sex. YOu can't predict this...nothing you ever do is going to guarantee this situation doesn't repeat itself. Except, perhaps maybe dating longer than a month to initiate sex. Which, if that's your timeframe, there's nothing wrong with it - and again, no guarantee that no matter how long you wait this result wouldn't reoccur.

But basically, he doesn't want a relationship. Dating was fun for four weeks, it cost him some money but it was exciting - and now he's ready to settle into a relationship on his terms - which is primarily I"ll get sex whenever I want/can, and we'll hang out but not really "go out". To lots of people that is a "relationship" - it's when they stop dating you formally in public - and start hanging out and hooking up in private.

I wouldn't say you did anything wrong...but just realize you can't change what he wants. Either he just wants sex...and if you don't, end it. Or else this is his definition of a "great relationship" - and if you don't share that dfinition - end it.

One option you don't have is to change his values which determine what he wants.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:25pm
Thanks Doubleblade. We actually dated two months before having this talk or sex. It has been sexual for about four weeks. Thought I'd done everything right...but I couldn't predict this one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:40pm
You used the word exclusive and only talked about his interest in you sexually so I had no reason to base it on anything else but sexual exlusivity- or if you rather, monogamy. Maybe you're in denial yourself about what your relationship is? Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:40pm
Do you know his relationship "style" or history?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 5:00pm

Hello massagesrme, I'm glad you came out of "lurking" mode to join us! Welcome to the board!


It seems that, now that he has made it to the sexual level of the relationship, after telling you all that you wanted to hear, he is singing a different song...


From what you described it seems that he has one thing on his mind and will stop at virtually nothing to get it. And, when he doesn't, he shuts you out and pouts. This is not the type of relationship I think you are interested in at all. You should have, and deserve, one in which your partner has YOUR best interests in mind. One in which there is respect, consideration and courtesy... all of which seem to be lacking here.


There are men out there who are capable of having that type of relationship... perhaps it would be better to close this door and turn around and open another one...


tg

Terry Owens
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 5:09pm
He has been divorced for about 15 months (final that long). His wife cheated on him and he got out. I'm the third person he's dated that I know about anyway; of course, he tells me these three just "didn't make him happy". As I look back, I'm thinking that might have been the red flag I should have seen.

When we talked that night, he was very open about wanting a totally exclusive not dating anyone else not sleeping with anyone else relationship. We both felt we really had alot in common and wanted to pursue this further...in fact...HE is the one that brought all this up, not me. I got on here and printed off that "exclusivity agreement" that I think captiveshark put out on the website here. We talked about those things and trust me..I was not in denial..we were both on the same page. I think I got duped here somewhat. We had talked after about six weeks into the relationship a bit about sex..I expressed my feelings that I was not comfortable sleeping with someone I wasn't exclusive with for many reasons. He voiced it "wasn't his style either". Then two weeks later HE brings up the exclusivity talk I've been referring too. I think now, it was a ploy to get me in bed. That's OK..I'm not devastated..I'm just a little pissed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 6:02pm

Well, it sounds like you've got him figured out now.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 7:10pm
Hey........there!!I want to start by saying you should be cautions in what you are getting yourself into. This guy is saying all this stuff and they are nice stuff that can make you think that he might want a relationship but realistictly he ain't doing anything possible for you to have it that way. I believe that action are more worthy than any words or explanations. For instance, let say that he is swearing that he is been faithfull to you but one day you see him with someone else, are you still going to believe him or are you going to judge him for his action. Take in consideration that action can define where this relationship might be going. Analyze your relationship with this guy and see if what you have with him right now is what you would wanna have in the future or what you want to keep. Since you said this relationship is based on sex i don't think you would want sex to be the only thing you receive from your relationship. Best wishes in your decisio!