hmm....am I crazy/paranoid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
hmm....am I crazy/paranoid?
10
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:54pm

Okay girls (and guys, if any post here) here is my situation -- a few weeks back I met a guy and we hit it off...everything seems great and fine and he's nice and sweet and everything but here comes the dilemma....


I guess I have some trust issues.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:43pm
Hello Kristen!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:09pm
I agree with this guy. What you are feeling is normal. NO ONE wants to get hurt, and NO ONE is exempt from the possibility. Getting hurt is part of the process of finding the real deal. I don't know a soul on the planet who hasn't been down that path. Most more than once. But you can't let your fears control you. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, but don't lock it up in a drawer and throw away the key, either. This guy sounds like he is on the same wavelength with you. While no one can predict the future, I would say that's at least a good start. Fretting about things that may never happen is a waste of precious time. Take the relationship slowly. Give him a chance to get to know you. And take the time to get to know him. Not all men are out to break your heart. Plenty of them have had their hearts broken, as well. And every relationship is different. So take it as it comes. Give yourself the opportunity to find happiness. That's all that anyone can do.

Good luck and hope it all works out.

Elle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:15pm

No, hon, I think

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:29pm
Hon...here's the thing.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas and desires. Those same values in all situations determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

This is multi-faceted.

First, realize what dating is......dating is NOT about a future, it's NOT a means by which to get a boyfriend.

Dating is about sharing ideas, thoughts, events, conversations, interests, hobbies, and yes - sex - because you find this person "attractive".

Attractive is a multi-faceted subject. Initially it is physically attractive, obviously. If the person that you're dating is self-aware nad self-accepting - then they know how to "relate to and get to know you as a person"....otherwise, there is no ability on thier part to get to know you past "wht you offer and provide" that brings fun, excitement, joy, or convenience or ease to their world.

The first 3-9 months of any dating situation is "infatuation". That's summed up by "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of you". It's not "I like, admire, respect, and accept you based on your values and standards and character because we've interacted so much without orchestration that I've gotten to know and respect you."

So the first 3-9 months - that is all about impressing and pleasing this person - to keep their desire for you and contact with you at a high flame...because that makes you feel good about yourself and your life as a whole.

After that...real life, obligations, responsiiblities and issues resume.....and each person figures out "involvement with this person doesn't solve my problems, change my life, it doesn't provide me with anything that I didn't have fundamentally prior to meeting them."

At that point....if the observationa nd interaction with you become more reflective, introspective, and observant objectively - they might come to admire and respect you based on who you are - not what you offer them in terms of benefits or convenience or warm fuzzy feelings of the moment.

But here is what you're doing...you want "a boyfriend", "a commitment" - you've got this set of expectations of what you're going to have and get, who you're going to become, whta feelings and situations you're going to have and find yourself in "once you get a boyfriend".

In short - you haven't got much of a life that you wouldn't put down and never look back at if a guy shows interest in you. So you're looking for whoever you partner up with to be the "keeper of your feelings, and the provider of your interest and goals and ideas and pursuits." In short, your'e one of the people who doesn't get involved, or get committed, or get interested in anything "until the man comes along and he is interested in that." And then...you latch onto it with a vengance because it keeps you two "interacting" on teh same level,and it keeps him in your vicinity so that he can't get away (belive me, I was you! I know how it works).

So every guy you meet is "otentially mr. boyfriend" - and so you want them informed straight up that you've been hurt, they haven't got the right ot hurt you like you'v been hurt in the past, you cannot go thru that again, and that you won't be getting emotionally invested until you're sure that you won't be hurt.

Hon...that entire thinking pattern and process that you go thru with and because of them IS YOU EMOTIONALLY INVESTING IN A FUTURE WITH THEM....without you ever knowing their character, their values, their priorities or definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

In light of where I've been and what I've learned....here's a good piece of advice.

Don't 'give to get"....whatever you do or give or offer or expend for/with/toward him - do it because you want to do it. Not becuase you think it'll make him like you, want a relationship, or because you assume that he's committed and thus going to meet your needs and standards so it's okay to "do it".

You said you wished you could tell if someone is "playing with your heart" - and I have that answer in stone for you. Here goes:

Everybody is at all times, in all situations - doing waht their values justify, because their reasoning process demands it, in order to get the results they want.

Now honestly, you two don't know one another in the fundamental and elemental sense. It's going to take about 9-12 months before that process even begins to be addressed. So how you keep people from "playing with your heart" - is don't put it on the table and get all emotionallyy invested in a future with guys just because you're dating wtih them ON YOUR TERMS.

You decide what dating is...and you stick with that defnition. If it includes sex - great. And if it doesn't until there is more knowledge of one naother without impressing and pleasing being th eprimary agenda item - so be it. IF he quits dating you because you wont' have sex - he's not the man for you. And if you're going to automatically begin to believe a future is possible, adn to envision the future as a result of sex - do yourself a favor and don't have sex with anybody for at least 6-9 months.

Becuase here's a fact...the common denominator in all your relationships has been you - not them. And when you want to find a problem - you look for the common denominator.

So basically, you're so fixated on them "not hurting you" - taht you date them without any objective period where you evaluate and determine if they as an individual - share your standards and values, if you two share interests and goals, and if this person meets appropriate needs of yours without you having to manipulate, demand, control, or throw a temper tantrum.

If you'v determined after that period that you'd like to pursue more...ask them - are you dating to find a partner in life, or are you dating because it's fun and distracting, and enjoyable because you're NOT wanting to commit, because you're NOT wanting obligation.

See, dating is the fun part - it's about being impressing and pleasing - while being impressed and pleased. It's not about a future...and lots of people are dating that have a general idea that "at some point I want a partner in lfie" - but they have no set criteria for when that is. There is NO WAY that are likely with the right person now - if you RIGHT NOW want a partner in life and are using dating as an interview and probation period...while they're just being interviwed with no intention or desire or willingness to ever take the job - offeed or otherwise.

But that is why you keep getting hurt - you want "a future with a man" and you've got lots of hopes, expectations, dreams, and requirements of what that'll bring to your life...and you're bypassing hte fact that if this person as an individual doesn't shar eyour standards and goals and values - tehre is no way for them to know or accept or meet your needs appropriately.

if i were you - I'd take the "dieting" advice. You know how when you're on a diet they say "never shop when you're hungry" - becuase you'll buy out the store of chocolate becuase you're hungry already, teh chocolate is there, and it is available in mass quantity.

Well, it's the same in dating...i fyouo're putting off "having your future" in order to get a man so you can have a future - you shouldn't be dating AT ALL. You need to go out and learn more about yourself, how to meet your own needs appropriately, define and begin creating that lifestyle and that future for yourself....so that when you start dating you can see the man for who and what he is...not who you want and need so desperately in order to 'get on with your life."


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:31pm
if you're going to date, you're going to get hurt or you're going to hurt someone...it's the nature of the 'game'. You've got some trust issues that you need to resolve because your instincts seem right, you might drive someone up the wall for something that some OTHER guy did to you six years ago. My XH had an affair that wrecked the marriage so I can empathize...how do you even begin to trust anyone after that...how can you trust yourself to know you're making a good choice? Begin with a big deep breath and go for it. Psych yourself that you're going to trust and talk, talk, talk to this guy. Whenever things come up that make you nervous, tell him and why. He's either going to want to help you through this or run. Either way, you want to know, right? I think it's a good idea for you to be a little more proactive with this issue of yours...read some books, go to therapy, something so that if you do start to get a little paranoid at least he can see that you're working to resolve trust baggage.

Now back to the flirting between you...he jokingly called himself your boyfriend, but only hinted at wanting to be exclusive...it's not the same thing. You either are a couple or not. Is he playing you? If you're enjoying a mutually satisfying sexual relationship without setting up exclusivity....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:11am

Thank you all for your responses -- between those and my actually thinking about the situation I was able to answer my own question -- I am crazy/paranoid! :0)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:42pm
I don't think you're crazy at all. It's perfectly normal the way you feel considering what happened to you previously. I feel the same way. I was in a similar situation. Now I'm like you. If he doesn't answer I think he's screening his calls b/c he's w/ someone else. If he calls me "baby" it's b/c he calls all girls that as to not get their names confused. I get paranoid when girls call b/c I think he's cheating. It doesn't help that he started talking to his ex-gf again. So if what you're doing is crazy then I guess I am too. I'm a really strong and independent person, but since it has happened before I'm a little more cautious about stuff like that now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:28am
Hi Jersey girl, You don't have to chase him anymore have him chase you. I not saying don't call him anymore. Keep yourself busy and soon he will come around.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 8:19am
Oh dear-do we have alot in common. My ex fiancee walked out on me over 1 1/2 years ago--and I just got back into the dating scene and am having LOTS of issues. I cant seem to trust a thing the man tells me..think they are all players and am absolutely not interested in dating period. Yes, I am over the ex, yes I do want to find someone special...but cant trust and extremely afraid of getting hurt. See, he was the 1st man to ever leave me and it stung real bad. I am VERY judgemental and will break off any new possible relationship if they make one wrong move in my book (red flag if you will)because I refuse to get hurt--so jerseygirl---if you can find the answer....please share!! :-) Lotsa luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:09am
Hi

Whether or not you wind up with this guy living with such distrust is like having a mountain on your back. It's understandable after your bad experience that you have these issues but it doesn't mean you have to live with them.

,