Hold on or let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Hold on or let it go?
21
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 10:37am
I know that this is long, but please bear with me. I have posted questions about this guy on these boards before and some readers have asked for more info to give opinions, so here we go.

I dated a guy (let’s call him Bob) years ago and had the best relationship ever. He had moved back home for the summer from college and I had just graduated high school. When we started dating, we agreed that we would date until he left because neither one of us wanted to do a long distance relationship. It was amazing. We were both crazy about each other.

One morning, we were laying in bed and he told me he was leaving in a week. He said that we shouldn’t have sex again before he left because we’d “get too close.” I told him that was ridiculous, but agreed. And a week later, he left.

Getting over him was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. About two months later, I found out through a mutual friend that he was coming down for the weekend. On the night he was coming into town, I was driving home. I was on my street and noticed the car behind me had its brights on. When I pulled up to my house, it was him. He lives in the same neighborhood and he saw me going home, so he followed me. We talked for a bit, hugged and then he left. The next night we were both out with friends (we have the same group of friends) and we talked for a second and then he leaned down to kiss me. We went home together, had sex and I left the next morning. The day after I felt so confused. Here I was trying to get over him and then he comes home and we hook up. I told him I wanted to talk to him, so I went over. I wanted to tell him that I still had feelings for him, but when I got there, I couldn’t. We just made small talk and I left.

Then one night while he was away, I went out with a group of friends, some of them his. I ended up getting wasted and dancing with a friend of his. It was nothing, we were just dancing. A “friend” of mine (we no longer speak because she’s evil) took a picture of us and showed it to Bob back at college. I wasn’t there, but I heard that he flipped out and got mad. At the time, I was hanging out with one of his guy friends and he told me that he thought I was “Bob’s girl.” I asked him where he got that from and he just said that he knew how much Bob liked me and cared about me.

After he saw the picture, he would be mean to me when he came to visit. We would argue (something we NEVER did when we were together), he would pick on me, make mean comments, etc. Sometimes he was nice and on those occasions we ended up going home together, but we would never have sex. He never initiated it.

And so it goes on. Soon after I graduated from high school, I went to the same college he was at. It’s the best school in the state; I couldn’t not go. I had friends there and a place to live. While we were dating, I had planned on going to another college. When I changed my mind and friends of ours already at college told him I got accepted, they said he said, “I can’t believe she’s coming up here.”

We lived in that college town at the same time for 2 years. When I’d see him out at a bar, he’d greet me like I was just a normal friend. But, at the end of the night he’d take me home and argue with me, pick a fight and then not have sex. One night, a friend and I went back to his house. I was with Bob, she was with his friend. In the middle of one of our arguments, my friend came in and said she was sick and needed to go home. Bob drove us. She was passed out in the back seat and it was silent, so I reached over to turn on the radio and he blew up. He freaked out and told me not to touch his radio, something he’d never cared about before. He started to drive towards my house and I asked him if he knew where it was. He was already going the right direction. I knew that he knew. He said no, insisted I give him directions and flipped out again. By the time we got to my place, I was so upset. So I asked him what the problem was. Mind you, we hadn’t talked on the phone or had any contact other than seeing each other briefly while out. I never mentioned getting back together with him, didn’t even talk about it or anything. He started screaming, “I don’t want to get married, I don’t want a relationship right now, etc.” I’d never seen him act like that. I told him that I didn’t mention a relationship and that my mind was so far away from marriage that I didn’t know where he got that from. I just wanted to know why he would take me home and not have sex with me, to which he wouldn’t give the answer. I got out, slammed the door and went inside. The things he said bothered me so much that I couldn’t sleep that night and ended up waking up at 6:00 a.m. to write it all down and release it. I swore I’d never talk to him again. But things happen, as we all know.

While we were at college, we never went home together again. He graduated and came back home while I stayed and finished my degree. When I did graduate, I moved back home as well. I didn’t want to. I had plans with a friend to move to New York City. Plans fell through and I had no backup plan, so I stayed home. I’ve tried to leave twice since then and nothing has panned out. For some reason, I believe I’m supposed to be here.

So we both live at home now. He lives two blocks away from me. We’re part of the same clubs, work in the same field, have the same friends; go out to the same places.

I see him when I go out with friends. He usually won’t talk to me, but he’ll stare at me from across the bar. He’ll stand or sit in places that are directly in my view. One night recently, I went out with my three best friends and one of their friends, all girls. We went to a bar and he was there with his friends. I was sitting at the bar ordering us drinks and I saw him down the way. We caught each other’s eye and both turned away quickly. By the time I got the drinks and turned around, he had gotten up from the bar (I couldn’t see him because of where he was unless I leaned on the bar to get a drink) and moved into my line of view. He then moved again and sat on a bar stool directly across from me. He watched my every move while I tried to ignore him. I hate when he does this, so I think if I ignore him, he’ll stop and talk to me like a normal person. Then, when I didn’t pay attention to him, he came up to us and put his arm around one of my friends. She said “Hey, Bob” and he didn’t answer her. He just stared at me with this look on his face like “ha, ha” to get me jealous. I laughed. It was so obvious. He smiled and walked off. The friend who he’d put his arm around told me that he’s so blatant. She saw the entire thing. And she’s seen him do this more than once. The staring, the little games, etc. He sat back down on his stool. A few minutes later, he went up to the friend that had come out with us. She doesn’t know who he is and he doesn’t know her. He went up to her from behind while a rap song was on and starting dancing on her, while looking at me. I laughed because I knew she’d flip out. She didn’t know who he was and he was being so blatant about making me mad. Soon after, we left and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. Why does he DO those kinds of things? What IS that? We’ve been home together before and we never hook up. I don’t know why he tries to get my attention, take me home and then not hook up. What’s the big deal? What’s the point of taking me home if we’re not going to do the deed?

Before this incident, we hooked up twice since I’ve moved back home. The first time, we were both wasted. We had a conversation before we left the bar and I don’t remember most of it. I do remember him pulling me over to the side and telling me that I’m mean. I told him that I never meant to be mean and I apologized. I said, “let’s just start over” and he said okay. We left, went back to his place and didn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. A couple of months later, I was out with my cousin and he was out with friends. We were sitting at the bar ordering a drink and he came up and said something silly to start small talk. I’m a bit of a smart ass, so I introduced him to my cousin. I said, “Bob, this is Audra. Audra, this is the meanest person in the whole wide world,” to break the ice. He laughed and we talked. He was sitting on the stool next to me and when one of our friends came up, he told him to sit next to me because he didn’t want to anymore. He did it on purpose. So as I got up and passed him, I made a smart comment about him. Later on, he came up to me again and we started talking. My cousin went home with her boyfriend and Bob told her to let me stay with him and he’d take me home. We were play arguing about something and his best friend looked at us and said, “why don’t you two just get married already?” We both ignored him. From then on, he acting like we were together. He pulled me over to him to sit on his lap, stood by my side all night and would get agitated if I talked to another guy or gave someone else my attention. It came time to go home, so I went with him. We were in bed and getting intimate when my cell phone rang. I got up to answer it, told my friend I had to go and got back in bed. When I did, he rolled over and said that I’d “done f*cked up.” He would not touch me and went to bed. The next morning things were fine as he drove me home. We said bye on good terms and that was that. We haven’t hooked up since. After that was the night he stared at me and circled me like a shark. I haven’t seen him since then.

I know this is a very long story and it sounds very weird, but it is. All of the things that happened in the past, all of the arguments after we broke up, all of the things his friends tell me, everything, haunts me. Does he still like me? If so, why won’t he have sex with me when we go home together? The night that we almost did, I had to initiate it. He was so not into it. It makes me feel like crap. One New Year’s, after we had just broke up, we were talking and I wanted to go home with him. He said no. We got into an argument that my best friend at the time had to break up. I told him I refused to deal with him anymore and he freaked. Said “You can REFUSE to deal with me!” among other things and I walked away. My friend stayed behind to talk to him and told me what he said later. She said that he wouldn’t go home with me because he said that “feelings were still involved.” I didn’t know if he meant that he still had feelings for me or that he knew I still had feelings for him.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I haven’t had a boyfriend since Bob. I’ve tried, trust me. And there have been a couple of guys that I really, really liked and things just didn’t work out. My mind always goes back to him. I think we really had something special and I think he knows it. We were young, yes, but we are around each other and we’re acting like normal people, we get along great. He still makes me laugh, he still looks at me with that little sparkle in his eye, I still get giddy around him. I want to be with him again. He may not be the man I’m supposed to be with for the rest of my life, but I won’t know until we try. I’d rather try and fail than not say anything and wonder about it forever. Men, please tell me what you think is wrong here and why he may be doing the things he does. Ladies, what would you do? Give up and let it go or hold on? What can I do to find out if he still has feelings for me? I’m afraid to scare him off, so telling him we “have to talk” may not be the best thing. I hate to say it, but the only chance I’ll have is the next time I see him out. Please, someone throw me a bone here. I’m sorry for the length of this, but it’s the only way I’ll get opinions about the entire situation. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:52pm
As a matter of fact, no. Regardless of whatever has gone on with him, I have lived my life. I have dated since him, went to college and graduated, got a great job while having the best time of my life. The only time I waste on him is the nights we go home togehter, which is what, three nights for every six months? I didn't sit around moping waiting for this guy to come back. I got out and lived my life as if I'd never met him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:57pm
Thats GREAAAT! Then let me make a suggestion...I suggest that you now spend ZERO nights out of every lifetime you have on this guy...and honey, you'll be good to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:12pm
Okay,okay. But, let me ask for one more piece of advice. My best friend and her fiance are coming into town tonight and they will want to go out tomorrow night. Bob is friends with the fiance and chances are we will run into each other or end up being around each other all night. It's hard because we have the same friends; his friends are friends of mine, etc. so I can't get away from him. So, when I see him tomorrow night, do I ignore him, tell him hello and leave it at that or what? If he starts the whole staring at me thing, I'm thinking I may just go up to him and ask him why he does it. Would that be wrong? At least if I confront him during one of his stunts, I could get some sort of response. And whoever said that he's jealous and controlling is VERY, VERY right. He's very jealous and even though we've been broken up for a while, he still gets mad when I talk to other guys and he's also still angry because I slept with his cousin. (oops!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:16pm
Okay, you're right, he's jerk. I don't know why I still stick up for him. Read what I wrote (#13 of replies) and tell me what you think. One more thing I forgot; last time a mutual friend of ours (who's a guy) asked him about me, he said that he liked me then and now he really doesn't know me anymore but that he doesn't hate me. The friend asked if he would date me again and all Bob said was that I slept with his cousin and I still smoke cigarettes (he asked me to quit when we were together.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 3:59pm
If you happen to run into him be cordial and polite...just say hello and leave it at that...just like you would with any acquaintance. Then go about your business and have fun socializing with your friends. But IGNORE him in the process. Don't give him the satisfaction of asking him why he does these things.....you already KNOW why he does and if you continue to acknowledge his game playing..he knows it is working and is gonna keep right on doing it. IGNORE him and he will eventually stop. Remember....If you ALLOW him to play games with you he WILL. I-G-N-O-R-E him

ps I was the one who said he is jealous and controlling ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 4:06pm
Don't waste any more of your time beating a dead horse, honey. When you look back on this in the future I PROMISE you you will think to yourself...what the hell was I thinking and why the hell did I put up with all this emotional BS for soo long. Been there....done that, love.

By the way....Have a great fun night out and pick up men not because you want to show off to him but because you find someone actually worth your time : )

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 4:07pm

What I want to know is who the heck ANSWERS THEIR CELL PHONE while they are in bed with someone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 7:53pm
This may not be good advice (as I did not read the entire post) but I think the guy still has feelings for you but he does not feel that you're the one he should be with because of other incompatible things i.e. the smoking, you slept with his cousin, just stuff like that. I think it's just hard on him because there are so many things that stop him from wanting to be with you yet he still has feelings for you.

uh, to sum it up, let it go. i think you should politely greet him and all but don't act like you're all into him i.e. basically ignore him, but if he continues the staring thing perhaps you should go up and ask him what's going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 8:55pm
Let it go already. How many years are you going to beat your head against a wall like this?! The sad part is, unless you move away and get a life somewhere else, this will probably still be going on 10 years from now. What an incredible waste of time. You're not going to be able to go back and do all these years over, you know. That light will dawn on you some day. Discuss this with him now -- let him know if he's not interested in growing up and having a real relationship with you to say so once and for all, then move on if that's his answer. If you're afraid about regrets, know that you're going to regret wasting all this precious time playing these childish games when you could've been really accomplishing something great in your life (and maybe even finding a person capable of a healthy relationship along the way).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:58am
Good question! Normally, I don't answer phones when I'm in bed, but I have a Nextel. I don't know if any of you have one, but they're the most annoying phones ever. If someone alerts me, which was the case that night, it keeps beeping every minute until you clear the call or answer it. So, if I wouldn't have answered it, it would have gone off over and over again.