Honesty
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 09-26-2006 - 2:05pm |
First and foremost, I want to say that I'm not a jealous person when it comes to my boyfriend. I love him, I trust him very much, and he has never done anything in our 3 years together (almost 2 of it long distance) or in our 5 years of friendship to ever make me think twice about not beleiving him. He has girls as friends, I know most of them and I'm fine with them going out as a group and having a good time. They don't go out just the two of them, because he understands that would bother me, and I wouldn't do the same with one of my guy friends.
Here's the problem.........
His co worker Melissa has been sending him all kinds of text messages and phone calls for the last month. I've met her, briefly, at their company volleyball and softball games. I don't remember much about her, except that she has a boyfriend and lives out of town. That's all I know.
She sees in M-F from 8-6, plays volleyball with him on Monday's, softball on Thursdays, and still has the nerve to text message him and randomly call him at 10pm on a Sunday night. We went to a pro-baseball game a month ago in the afternoon.... she called twice. She called again later that night. Sunday night while we were watching a movie, she calls at 10:30pm. Why is this girl calling my boyfriend all weekend? If she needs something, like to tell him when the games are, then she can leave a message... when he doesn't answer, she sends him messages like "why aren't you answering my calls?"
We are in a long distance relationship because I have a year left of school. Up until this past weekend, we hadn't seen each other in three weeks. Labor Day was the last time we saw each other. The weekend of the 16th was my sister's bridal shower, so I didn't visit him. He went out that Friday night with his guy friends, Melissa called and asked if he was going out, he said yes and told them where they were going.
He told me this when he called me at 3am after he got home, and I told him that she likes him, and that he shouldn't be hanging around with her when she's always texting him and calling him... like he's HER boyfriend. So I know they were dancing and drinking... he tells me that she doesn't have alot of friens and he was trying to be nice. We hang up.
That Saturday afternoon he calls and I again repeat myself about Melissa. He says "is my girlfriend getting jealous" and I told him yeah, kinda. When she sees you at work five days a week, and then two nights during the week, and then on the weekends and I haven't seen you in three weeks, then YES. I am jealous. So we hang up.
He goes out Saturday night and calls me the next day. I ask him what he did, and he tells me and who with. No big deal. UNTIL this weekend. I check his phone for her text messages, because he keeps playing down that fact that she likes him. I know she's textiing and calling, and I want to know why. Yes, I snooped, but he didn't get too upset about it.
She has sent him messages like "I don't see a ring on your finger, you can do what you want." ... " I hope you miss me this weekend because I'll miss dancing and drinking with you"... "Hope you have as much fun this weekend as we did last weekend" ... "I wish you would have stayed".... "Why are you acting wierd"... "you weren't very talkative at work today"... "Why are you getting wierd on me"... "Are you mad at me"....
So I ask him again Sunday morning who all went out. He tells me about the guys, then adds that Melissa and Laura went. I asked him why he lied to me and he said because he knew it would bother me. I told him I saw the text messages. He said that he doesn't know why she keeps doing it because she has a boyfriend. I asked if he told her directly that he had a girlfriend, and he said "She knows I have a gilfriend". I ask if I'm over-reacting, he says no. I ask if he thought I was over-reacting when I first told him that she liked him. He says that he thought I was at the time, but he doesn't know because now he knows she likes him. I asked him how he figured it out, and he said because of the way she was acting and the things she was saying.
I know he would never cheat on me. I asked if he'd ever been to her place, he said no. I asked if she had ever been at his, he said no. He said the only time they've ever been anywhere together were the bars.
He said that he'll talk to her and tell her to knock it off. He was somewhat mad that I looked through his phone, but I told him that anytime he wants to look through mine, go right ahead. I have nothing to hide. He said he'd talk to her... but my question is what if that doesn't get through to her? What if she continues to do it?
I don't know why she thinks that she can text him and call him and say these things when she KNOWS he has a serious girlfriend and she has a boyfriend.... I will continue to check his phone until it stops. That my sound obcessive, but I will. If he's not going to tell me that she's stopped, then I'll find out for myself.
I'm going to their last softball game in two weeks. She'll be there. I want to say something to her, not bitch at her or yell, but I want to pull her aside and get it through her stupid head that he is mine and she has no right to be doing these things. I know that I shouldn't, and I probably won't, but if this keeps happening that what do I do?
He says he'll talk to her and tell her to stop. He's a very nice guy and not the kind of person to cut off all ties, especially when he has to be around her at work all day. It would make for an uncomfortable atmosphere.
She sent him one last night saying "I guess you're mad at me"... because he hadn't answered any of her text messages since I got to his house Friday night.
What do I do?

Talking to Melissa is wasting your breath. You aren't in a relationship with Melissa. The reason Melissa is text message, calling and partying with your boyfriend is because he is a willing participant. He doesn't see anything wrong with late night text messages, phone calls and discussions. However, IMHO, he is stepping over the line. Melissa clearly thinks there is something going on between the two of them and, so far, boyfriend hasn't done much to convince her otherwise.
You've already told boyfriend that this is not okay. If he doesn't tell Melissa to scale the communication back then that should tell you about the mindset of boyfriend.
Your BF's ego is getting bigger by the minute. Melissa is chasing him, you're feeling jealous and he's feeling like a king, desired by you all.
At the game I wouldn't talk to Melissa because she's not in your relationship. She's the thrid party. You'll look like the jealous GF that will fire even more her intentions to get him. Your BF is telling you what you want to hear "I'll talk to her and I'll tell her to stop"...hmmmmm, that he could have done long time ago.
I'd give your BF an ultimatum. 5 years together, 3 dating and in a LDR may have lead your BF to feel that he needs someone local. If you find more text messages that personal I'd tell him to take all her calls and be with her. He's not respecting your wishes and is ignoring your needs. Tough situation though.