hopeless about men after disappointment
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| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 11:50am |
I dated someone for two months over the summer and I fell for him hard in that time because I haven't felt that kind of intensity in a long time. But he became unreliable as more and more time went on and I felt very insecure with him, especially since I was developing feelings for him. When I confronted him on it, I just said that I don't want to keep on seeing someone who doesn't want to see me, never stating I wanted to end things because I was hoping he'd apologize or say he would change his behavior...but he didn't. He basically told me that he doesn't know what he wants but he doesn't want to answer to anyone as in having a woman constantly call him up to see what he's doing. I never ever did that with him even though he did that with me all the time so I don't know where that was coming from and I pointed it out to him. He admitted to me that I am not at all demanding or needy so his explanation made no sense to me. He never gave me a good reason why letting me go was a choice he was willing to make so I was devasted by his lack of a good reason. I wanted to know that I guess because he acted like he was in love with me up until the very end and I also wanted to know if he even had any feelings for me because he never said it in words. I know how to make a man feel special without being clingy or a doormat so I know I was being good to him and honestly, I've never had guys give me up that easily so I guess it was a shock when he did.
So I tried moving on with my life despite the fact that I was obsessing over him and three weeks later, in a moment of weakness, I left him a message saying I just wanted to talk to him. The basic gist of the message was that I wasn't sure that breaking things off was the right thing. Though part of me was hoping that he wouldn't answer because I didn't think I'd have the strength to refuse him, part of me was hoping he would so we could talk things out and come to some kind of understanding. Well, I haven't heard from him since then and it's been three weeks though in the last week, I see him popping up on my buddy list constantly. I blocked him after the break up and have no intention of unblocking him since I have no desire to be his on-line buddy.
But now I find myself obsessing about him again since he's showing up on my buddy list and I find the best way to forget a guy is to find a new one but I have been unable to. Unfortunately, I am too busy in the next few months to date and even so, I've met new guys since the break up but noone who has made me say wow, I really want to get to know him better. As a result, I just have no enthusiasm about starting a new relationship, opening myself up to another guy again and risking the pain/rejection. For some people, it may be fun, but I find I grow more exhausted with the whole process with every new relationship because of how stressed it makes me feel. I've had a rough life and I don't feel like telling anyone about it unless I feel safe that's he'll stick around and from experience, the guys I feel connected to/care for don't stick around long enough for me to feel safe enough to share these things with them. Something always goes wrong. If they do stick around for long enough, it's usually the guys who I feel don't understand me or love me and I don't love them back as a result so I end up ending things with them or the relationships just die because of the lack of connection.
Every new guy I meet I think it's not going to work out with in the end anyway so I just say to myself, why even bother starting things up? I want to be more optimistic but I really do feel hopeless about ever meeting the right guy because I completely trusted this guy, felt so comfortable around him from the very beginning and was crazy for him, all the time thinking he felt the same way about me, and he let me down so badly. I also don't fall in love that easily with men and I felt like he was the first guy in a long time who I had so much in common with and I connected with, and I guess I'm upset that he didn't see it or appreciate it for what it was worth. How do I get out of this rut? Any advice would help.

ising101...
Pianoguy (who is a male) knows a few things about the male side of a relationship:
1. We're NEVER going to react the way a woman expects us to. Although some of us "may give off the signals" that might trigger a long-lasting relationship, this ISN'T A GIVEN.
2. Women---who according to research analyze a heck of a lot more than men do---often mix up "analyzation and fantasy!" This isn't to say that the majority of you ladies AREN'T 'thinking accurately' when it comes to the signals we give off? But...more than a few of you "project" feelings that you think we're displaying....and WE'RE NOT!
3. If a man tells you "he doesn't know what he wants"---then don't take him into your bedroom! If you choose to ignore this remark in favor of A NIGHT OF PLEASURE...then DON'T EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE HIS MIND just because the 2 of you were incredibly great in bed!!!
4. "OBSESSING" over anybody (male or female) makes no sense at all since the life you're living is YOURS! If you rely on somebody else to completely fulfill you, you'll probably leave this planet very unhappy?
Pianoguy-----who like everybody else---has HIS 'good and bad emotional days!'
You are still having indirect contact with him, that's at least part of why you can't move on. Take him OFF your buddy list so you can see him...blocking him is not enough.
Then, focus on accepting that this man is not right for you. That doesn't mean no other man will be, just that he wasn't. Give some thought to the qualities you want your next partner to have: a good book on that topic is "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara Deangelo (sp?).
I would also focus on YOU while you are working through the grief and recovery process...focus on making yourself the best person you can be. A great inspirational book along these lines is "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant.
I would NOT focus on dating right now. Even though you apparently haven't experienced it yet, it is *entirely* possible to get over one man without getting involved with another.
Sheri
In reply pianoguy, for the record, this guy told me he didn't know what he wanted the last day I saw him after I probed him to find out what he wants relationshipwise since he was acting very confusing. I haven't seen or spoken to him since then so I didn't go to bed with him after he told me that and don't have any intention to if a guy tells me he doesn't want a relationship with a woman. However, this guy seemed to be actively looking for a relationship since he spent a lot of time with me in person/on the phone and took me out, etc. He wasn't just looking for a fling judging from his outward behavior or I would have been out the door before you know it. I go through days at a time when I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again and what I'll say then. That's what I mean by obsessing. Did I say that I'm happy I'm obsessing over him or that it's emotionally healthy? No, I would rather not but I can't help it. I seriously doubt I'll contact him again if he doesn't initiate but that doesn't stop the thoughts. So I came to this board to find out how I can stop the thoughts of him or just to see if anyone else has been in the same shoes as me and how they've come out of it...hopefully positively. You know, some inspiration for when I'm down.
To Sheri, I tend not to delete contacts and block them instead because I'm not sure if they can see me on-line if I remove them. I've had people contact me on MSN after I deleted them but regardless, seeing his name is not that big an issue. It's the thoughts I can't stop but hopefully, as you say, I don't have to date someone new to forget about previous guy. I'm hoping that day will be soon. Thanks.
Edited 9/23/2005 3:20 pm ET ET by ising101
You CAN stop your obsessive thoughts, btw. It's not easy, but with practice it's very possible. There's a post on the breaking up is hard to do board about thought-stopping. I'll bring it up to the top for you on that board...
Sheri