How Aggressive Do Guys Like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
How Aggressive Do Guys Like?
16
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:27pm
Grr, I hate dating! For me, there's so much tension about little things that I would ordinarily never think twice about!

I know there are plenty of guys with varying opinions, but I'd like to hear from some of you what is your take and why?

How many moves do you like a girl to make (dating - not sex)? For instance, should it be like a tennis match - tit for tat? Do you like the girl to initiate and plan dates? Do you like the thrill of the chase?

Please help a confused girl!!!

I met a guy who I seem to have hit it off with, in a basic like-at-first-sight kind of way. We were supposed to meet up Saturday, if he could get out of a prior commitment in time. He called first to say he was still there, and later he called me just to say good night and sorry he couldn't get away in time and asked what I was doing Sunday. I told him I was supposed to meet up with a friend of mine the next day, but I'd call him later in the day. When I did speak to him, now he was back out, but he told me if it wasn't too late he'd try and catch up with me. He didn't call, which I assumed meant he got out pretty late. I thought for sure he'd call Monday, but didn't. Then I thought he'd call yesterday, but no. So I called, got his voicemail. I thought he'd at least call back.

What happened?? Did I come off as "too busy?" Should I call one final time (which would make it twice that I called with no response?) this weekend?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:41pm
I think the ball is in his court and that it is generally ineffective - if you are looking for a relationship - to pursue a man in the beginning - better to let him do most of the initiating and planning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:48pm

Hello immortalorchid!


Pardon me for feeling the way I do about this if my remarks bother you but, I am a wee bit older than you and am reflecting back over a few years and the changes in dating styles...


I simply cannot understand why it is all so complicated. Why do there have to be rules? Why is everybody so insistent on keeping score? Why does it have to be somebody's "move"?


I really wonder what happened to the old days where everyone took things in stride and everything was not such a huge issue.


For example... in this case, here is a guy that you only met. It appears you know very little about him, his lifestyle, his work ethic, or his commitment to responsibility. Yet you are already posing questions about "why didn't he call"? "should I call?" and so forth... Just do what you feel comfortable with... there is no right or wrong. As for agressive... ask 20 people and you will get 20 different answers...


You are taking something simple and making it complicated...


If you want to talk to him, call him. If he wants to talk to you, he will call you. It really is that simple.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:01pm
Hey Terry,

I certainly appreciate your point... dating shouldn't be like a tennis or chess match where it's somebody's "move." But that's just lingo, hon. What we're talking about is COURTESY and the normal give-and-take when you're trying to get to know someone. Both people have a part to play, if the acquaintance is going to go anywhere.

In my opinion, it is absolutely necessary to pay attention to "who's turn is it to call?" Because you can KILL the chance of a nice, future relationship by OVER-calling, and ignoring calls. If I met someone tonight, and by tomorrow night he had already called me 3 times, I would be kind of freaked. By the same token, if I meet someone tonight and give him my number but I don't hear from him, I will NOT call him. The agreement was that he would call me. People should honor their agreements.

The situation HAS been further complicated by the advent of answering machines, cell phones, email, call-waiting, caller ID, and text messaging. When I was in my 20's, all we had were answering machines on cassette tapes! And everybody didn't have a machine.

But today, if you don't reach someone through one or all of those various technologies, it's usually because they don't WANT to be reached.

That's what we try to get women to understand here. READ the handwriting on the wall. If he isn't calling, he isn't interested!!! And if he is interested, he will call. Most men will take the initiative... they won't expect her to do it.

There's no reason to repeatedly call some man who hasn't returned your FIRST message yet, even if you feel like calling. That's not just being aggressive, that's bordering on being a pest. Likewise, men generally know when they want to ask a woman out... they don't expect the woman to beat them to it!

Once a real friendship or longterm relationship has been established, things become much more relaxed for both people. But we still must be careful to observe many of the same courtesies and sensibilities as we did when we first began dating, to keep things "interesting" and to avoid taking our partners for granted.

Perhaps you were and are a lot more tolerant and easy about women taking the initiative and pursuing, and such. But I venture to say you are not the norm out here. Men BACK OFF from US when we try to go after them... even in 2004. Personally, I don't mind because it takes the responsibility of "chasing" someone off me. I don't have to do it, and I don't wanna do it!!

Just my 2 cents...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:18pm
I like women who aren't so passive all the time. Personally I HATE making plans when i don't know someone very well b/c I don't know what kind of places they like to go yet. I'll usually call up and ask if she'd like to get together, but I love it when they suggest places to go. In your case, I say he has to call you back because if you call too much you're going to seem desperate. However, if he does call back then i say call him every now and then, he shouldn't have to do all the pursuing if you like him. Show some interest. that's sexy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:24pm

jilly, perhaps you are right... as I said though, I only know about me... everyone is different and rather than generalize (as some do) and say "men don't like..." or "men do like..." I can only speak from my point of view and my experiences.


Take my relationship, for example... If I don't call my SO one night she doesn't panic... she figures that I was tired, fell asleep and am slumbering peacefully, all the while dreaming of her... :-) And, ya know what? She's right! And, the same for me... If I don't hear from her I don't assume that she is out with someone else or that she doesn't want to talk to me or that she hates me or that she left the country (although she has done that and plans to again! I think her whole philosophy is that it is hard to hit a moving target!)


But, to me it doesn't make a difference who calls who... it never has. And, I don't think it does to her either (maybe we can get her to come over here from her boards and tell us how she feels about this one...)


But, as I said... times have changed and maybe there is just a lot that I don't understand these days. That's why I am on this board, to learn. (You thought I was here to help, didn't you?)


I guess I just don't understand... why does it matter who calls who if you want to talk? If a person isn't interested they can tell you. Maybe there are just too many who prefer to duck and run and hide behind the electronic convenience devices these days...


Anyway, that's why I said what I did... I just feel like anyone can make an effort, it doesn't matter who it is. And, if their efforts aren't reciprocated than you have your answer. No one likes to be the only one putting forth effort (and no relationship can survive that way either).


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:59pm
I hear ya..

And I wouldn't panic either if I didn't hear from my boyfriend tonight. Like you, I would assume that he got busy or fell asleep. It would be FINE if I called him to see how he's doing. (but I have a lot to do this evening, so I probably wouldn't call him) But that's because you and I have established relationships with our SO's. When you're just starting out, it's safer to keep things a little more formal. Calling whenever it occurs to you is probably NOT a good thing because you end up calling too much, and that makes you appear over-eager or desperate.

Of course a woman HAS to show enough interest in order for a man to continue "courting" her. Without reciprocation, and appropriate initiation, the relationship will die. If he calls and asks her to call him back it is correct to call him back. But having left the dating trenches a year ago, I can tell you that MOST men (not all) don't want women calling them every day, day and night. They start talking about "fatal attraction."

And I know it wasn't you who used this word, but it's not about being "passive." It's about being careful.

There is also an etiquette to phone calling and to dating. Maybe I'm the hopelessly old-fashioned one, but I believe in gentlemen doing gentlemanly things, and I think it's simply good manners to call when it's your "turn." If you miss occasionally, it's not a mortal sin, but if you chronically neglect phone calls it indicates something is lacking in your "relationship" or level of interest.

It would be simpler if people just called each other and said "I just called to tell you I'm not interested in you," but how nice is that? When you've only just met someone or been out with her a couple of times, no big announcement is required. Most people prefer the "fade away" method. If the phone calls stop and the dates dwindle, that should be enough to tell you the interest has faded.

Sorry, didn't mean to get back on the soapbox. I think you're a terrific man, and your girlfriend is really lucky that you have such an open attitude about all this. It would be easier on women if more guys were like you ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:14pm

Oh, you aren't on a soapbox! (well, maybe we both are... that's good though, I can look you eye-to-eye.


ok, you cornered me! The fact is, I don't know the rules. And, yes you and I have a more established relationship. With time comes comfort, right? You get comfortable and more secure as time goes along and you can tolerate better.


I do see your point but, to reflect back on the original post (bet you thought I had forgotten, huh?), it's difficult to asnser a question like that - some men like agressive women and some don't. I love it when my SO calls. She can call 5 times a day if she wants (I usually don't listen to her anyway...) (Honey... I'm just kidding, honest!) (she'll come over here from her board, read this and shoot me!). But, bvelieve me, I do understand what everyone is saying here.


I just guess that it really depends on the man and what his preferences are and that is something that each woman has to determine on her own (I'm no help at all here, am I?)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:47pm
Sounds to me like he's been busy. I've had times like that in my life, where I've been so busy that I just couldn't get back to people. It doesn't feel good when they have a hard time being understanding about it. Some people are crazy busy all the time. And some people have periodic phases. It happens. And if he's a decent human being, he will likely be sensitive to the possibility that his busy-ness may have had an effect on you. Depending on his previous experiences, he may be hesitant to follow through when he does become available. If his previous experiences are that the woman is indignant, angry and hurt, he's not likely to come around. But you don't know.

So, what I would do is shrug it off as he had a busy spell. And if you don't hear from him, in a few weeks leave him a light and casual voicemail saying that you were calling to say hi.

Then he'll know that it's safe to approach you. And meanwhile keep yourself busy with your own interests and friends. But you already know that.

Just remember, have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:08am
You have no way of knowing what he's thinking, about you or your actions.

I can tell you one thing, though, if a guy says he'll "call soon", multiply what you mean by soon by 7, and you may well be on the same wavelength. I wouldn't read anything into the fact that he hasn't called yet.

But no, don't call him again. He's gotten your message. He'll have to decide what he wants to do with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:25pm
Yes, I think you are totally right. I did the mistake to call many times and always plan things until I realized he's not that excited about it.

Now I'm more of a believer of the natural apporach. If you feel like calling him the first time, call, but do not repeat. You want to come across as interested and bold but not clingy. He should call beack no matter whether interested or not. This is courtesy and if he lacks it from the very beginning, he's not worth.

This should happen easily wthout effort. If it takes you or him much effort to pull it, that it is not going the right way.

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