How Aggressive Do Guys Like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
How Aggressive Do Guys Like?
16
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:27pm
Grr, I hate dating! For me, there's so much tension about little things that I would ordinarily never think twice about!

I know there are plenty of guys with varying opinions, but I'd like to hear from some of you what is your take and why?

How many moves do you like a girl to make (dating - not sex)? For instance, should it be like a tennis match - tit for tat? Do you like the girl to initiate and plan dates? Do you like the thrill of the chase?

Please help a confused girl!!!

I met a guy who I seem to have hit it off with, in a basic like-at-first-sight kind of way. We were supposed to meet up Saturday, if he could get out of a prior commitment in time. He called first to say he was still there, and later he called me just to say good night and sorry he couldn't get away in time and asked what I was doing Sunday. I told him I was supposed to meet up with a friend of mine the next day, but I'd call him later in the day. When I did speak to him, now he was back out, but he told me if it wasn't too late he'd try and catch up with me. He didn't call, which I assumed meant he got out pretty late. I thought for sure he'd call Monday, but didn't. Then I thought he'd call yesterday, but no. So I called, got his voicemail. I thought he'd at least call back.

What happened?? Did I come off as "too busy?" Should I call one final time (which would make it twice that I called with no response?) this weekend?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:42pm
My girlfriend has had my attention since I met her. She always played it so cool. Basically, she never hounded me and she let me walk away from it all if I wanted to. She had her own life anyway, but she wanted me to be a part of it. So, she kept things even. I swear, she didn't do this, but it seems like she did.. check this out..

This sounds petty, but it's not! Here's an idea....

Simply do the following:

One a piece of paper, place your name and his name on it.

If he calls, make a mark by his name. Now, you owe him a call. You may not exceed 1 mark from him. So, if you are now even at 1-1, you may only call one more time.

If he asks you our for a date, now, it's your turn to come up with an idea. Not really pay for the date, but to initiate the idea for a date. Again, you may not exceed 1 mark from him.

If he buys you a gift.. same deal.

In other words, by doing this, you are keeping the playing field level. You are also seeing if he really cares about you without you kissing his behind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 2:28pm
I agree with you on phone courtesy. I'm glad you realize where you might have been going wrong. I hope your next experience is better :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 5:37pm
I am interested in reading your discussion very much. My situation is turning very badly now and I think what Jilly said is right. I have dated with a man 2 times. First time the weekend before Valentine's Day. Then Valentine week, he sent flowers and balloon to me without phone calls. In fact, I tried to call him the day I recieved flowers to say 'thank you' but I must left a message in his voicemail because he did not pick up on that night. He did not call me back, instead sent me a text message said that he was on travel. I did not want to call/ or send text message back because what he did hurt my feeling. A week later (actually 3 weeks after first date), he called and invited me out for the second date. I gave him another chance and hope that thing could be better. We went out and had fun. Since that day I have not heard from him (again 3 weeks from now) even a phone call. It has been so funny that he has not ever called me. I have not called him for 3 weeks because I have never heard from him. So when starting a relationship, I agree that man should take initiatives, but he did not do it. SHOULD I CALL HIM? and what do you think about our relationship? I think it a sign of showing 'not interest' any more, isn't it? I feel so hurt because I hope that our relationship will develop, but no signs of it.

Could you give me any advices for what I should do? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:02am
Hi All,

I think we are going ofbase here. The question is, she met a guy who promised to call but didn't. The question is, should she call or back off. The answer is backoff. Its obvious that he is not interested. Even if he was the very busy, he call you or email and tell you that I am not blowing you off. I have been tied up. I will call you as soon as I can. He decided, he is not interested and won't bother to extend the courtesy of returning the phone call.

I think alot of men enjoy, rejecting women and thats why, they won't return calls etc. Women are notorious for doing it. Some men follow suit. It just goes to show they are insecure about themselves. In that case, don't waste your time. Move on!!

Hope it helps!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 12:36pm

You know, I agree with a lot of this but I just feel that it really isn't important who calls who if there is a reason for the call... Now, if it becomes obvious that efforts are not returned in a likewise fashion then make a concious decision to move on to one who will appreciate and return the efforts.


Each person has to make a value judgement here... what is this worth? How much is it worth to you to sit and wait for someone to call you? Maybe it's because AI am older and have been over more speed bumps on life's highway but I value myself and my time more than to sit and wait for a call. You depend on yourself, not the other person. Don't depend on them to call but appreciate it when they do.


No, everyone is different but it just seems to me that there are far too many posts wondering why someone doesn't call or questioning when they will... Take control of the situation and of your own life... If there is a reason to call, call, don't expect that they will call you.


Actually, she had a lot of questions embedded in her original post... to sum it all up... in my opinion... if there is a reason to call him then by all means do so without hesitation. If not, then accept his lack of response as either indifference or lack of interest - neither of which are conducive to building a good relationship.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:59pm
My apologies for being so confusing in the original post. On the one hand, I wanted a general poll of whether or not men like to be pursued. I realize that all men are different, I just was curious to hear some viewpoints.

Then there was the issue about the particular guy. As it turned out, he did call - on Wednesday? He didn't mention why he didn't call before, and I didn't ask. I'm not quite sure what it means, but I'm not going to worry about it. He said he'd call Sunday, but didn't. Then I left him (what I hope was) a very casual, light voicemail on Monday. Then he finally called me back on Wednesday. I was not wondering if I should keep calling and keep calling, but if I should put in one extra phone call (which would be against the advice of the poster who suggested keeping the scorecard). Someone mentioned simply having busy periods, which is a possibility...as are a hundred other scenarios. So for now the ball is back in my court, and I am going to call him tonight. =)

I realize in the long run this would be a non-issue, but this is not a S.O. Not even close. This is only someone I've just begun speaking to a few weeks ago, so for me rules and etiquette are still very much important. No, I don't know him well - or at all - but the little that I have gotten to know are very intriguing. I am brand spanking new to the dating scene, and while I no longer believe in fairy tales (thanks to the ex), I do want to make sure that I'm not putting out wrong/mixed vibes that will lead to unsuccessful dating.

Thank you all for your input, and yes, I'm still curious to hear other men's viewpoints on pursuing vs. being pursued.

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