How to be more than just one of the guys

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
How to be more than just one of the guys
2
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:14am

I'm a grad student in a very maled dominated field (about 95%). All through undergrad and now grad school I've had this constant struggle between fitting in with the guys, since they're who I'm pretty much forced to spend most of my time with, and being treated like a woman. I think this has severely effected my personal life. Every relationship I've had ended with the guy told me he found me very attractive and I was his best friend but something was missing.

Since starting grad school, I've made a group of friends, one in particular I was interested in immediately. We've grown very close over the past several months. We all go out together for a bit on the weekends, and I've had at least two mutual friends every week ask how things were going with me and this guy because they felt there was an obvious connection. The end of the nights we go out are the only times we've had alone together and we always end up at one of our places making out. This weekend we were out and I saw him with his arm around another girl, getting her phone number. We finally talked about everything and he said I was his best friend and he cared about me so much and finds me very attractive and that we have so much in common but something is missing. He says I'm really important to him and he doesn't want things to change between us. Obviously more is going to have to change than us not making out anymore since this close friendship he claims we have is based on my really poor interpretation of his behavior.

I'm really just tired of the "you're my best friend but..." line that I can't stop getting. What am I doing wrong that this keeps happening? I know I need to fit in with the guys or my life will be miserable, but for once I would like one of them to see me as more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:42am

You are one of the guys, you are treading water in an all-male pond and for professional purposes you need to be one of the guys, act like one of the guys or you will get eaten alive. I know, I have been where you are now.

However, this predicament has a down side for you, as they aren't seeing you in a romantic light. Rather than looking for a romantic interest at school, you might look for one elsewhere, a man that does not see you on a day to day basis. He can see you as date-worthy. Of course, you are going to let him open doors, pay for dinner and see you as a lady rather than a buddy or coworker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:28pm

I totally agree with chamey, it's a tough road and a double-edged sword being

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