how can I stop feeling like this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
how can I stop feeling like this??
4
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:04pm
OK, I've posted a couple of times before, but I REALLY need everybody's help over this! I met this guy a couple of weeks ago, and we've been dating practically every other day. Things have gone great, really since the beginning, I feel totally comfortable around him, we have tons in common, and can talk for hours, with a great connection, both mentally and physically. The thing is, I'm 24 and this would be the first time this has happened to me, I had never met somebody I really liked (yes, I'm a virgin- he knows this and totally respects it), never had a relationship before, so this it totally new for me. He has been amazing all the time, calls whenever we can't see each other, he stayed over the other day (no sex- just sleeping, he lives too far), basically it's wonderful.. which makes me think, what if it's too good to be true? I know he's with me because he's interested in me, not in a casual thing, but I still get my moments of insecurity.. totally unfounded, but the thing is, I don't have a point of comparison here, I hadn't had a relationship before, so I don't know what to think of it. I know he's not seeing anybody else, and neither am I (although we haven't really talked about exclusivity), but the connection we are having is amazing, and it's both ways. My question is, how can I stop getting these feelings of insecurity, being afraid that it's too good to be true, almost like I don't deserve it (although I know I totally do!!), that he's not really that interested, that this could be over in a second, etc... help me please!! I hate feeling like this!

Thanks everybody!

Andie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:34pm
I think it's actually kind of healthy to have a certain amount of CAUTION so very early in the relationship. You should be aware that this is all very new, and things can change quickly while you are still getting to know one another.

But that doesn't mean you should be fearful, or that you should feel undeserving. Because that feeling of UNWORTHINESS is what will kill your relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone who is desperate and insecure.

If you do not see your own value, you might need outside therapy. Your feelings of insecurity might go far beyond fear of a relationship ending. You might want to explore these thoughts with a professional.

Otherwise, just try to relax and enjoy the ride! Have a good time with this young man, and tell yourself every day that you DESERVE to be treated like a princess because you are a good woman with lots to offer!

But don't build your whole social world around this guy... make sure you do other things you enjoy and continue to keep up with old friends and family. Staying busy will keep you from obsessing over the new relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:38pm
HEre's the thing....the first 3-9 months at least are "I feel so great about myself based on your desire for me, I can't get enough of you" - that's "infatuation".

That's what you're in right now. Everything that is shared while you think it's deep and personal and highly profound as proving that you share values, priroities, definitions of a greatl life and how to achieve it- it's just you two conversing on what is general levels based on lack of experience with one another in a myriad of situations. Tehre's lots of assuming and projecting going on based on what you two say - that'll be proven out or not as time goes on and infatuation fades.

So enjoy infatuation - but realize itis not "I like admire, respect, and appreciate and accept you as a great individual" - it's "I like you because you like me, and your desire for me makes me feel great about myself".

So enjoy infatuation - just don't give anything in this relationship that you don't want him to 'have' - not based on a future - just based on the present.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 3:27pm
Congragulations! It is such a great feeling in the first stages of a relationship. It's my favorite time. I would just enjoy it, and take things as they come. Don't think about what could happen, because if you dwell on it too long, those things will happen, or you will make yourself think it happened. I've gotten myself in trouble by over analyzing things like that. Just go with the flow and have fun. Since you haven't actually defined your relationship, just think of it as a fun experience. Good luck with everything!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:03pm

Hello me_sweet... welcome back to the board!


Actually, it's only been two weeks and like everyone else has said... it is the "newness" of the relationship... but, in this case, it is also a fear of the unknown... you are venturing into waters you have never been in before.


Enjoy it, see where it leads - it's what's known as "experience"...


tg

Terry Owens