How can I trust him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
How can I trust him again?
8
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 10:49am
I caught my fiance of 2 years looking at porn. I know to some women this isnt a big deal, but to me it is. I feel that if you are in a serious relationship then there is no reason for looking at other naked people. This was the first time that I caught him and he tells me that the only reason he was looking at it was to make me jealous. What is that supposed to mean?

Is it normal for all guys to have the urge to look at other naked women besides their comitted partner? If so, why has this society made it seem okay for men to do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:05am
Men are visual and they like to look.

He will most likely continue to view it but he'll just get better at hiding it from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:03pm
Agree with post (2). IF he likes porn , it won't stop. Personally, I think some porn stuff is healthy, etc....and can improve sexual relationship.... and can be fun/funny. People fantasize, men fantasize about OTHER women all the time, no matter what they tell you. I think this is NORMAL. Porn ,etc.....also turns some people on! Question: Have you seen any porn? or movies? Maybe you two should try looking at some of it together, try to be a little bit more open. You never know, you may learn something as well. hehe

Have fun!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 2:51pm
Do you also expect him to wait for you to come home and cook every meal for him too? What if he gets hungry and you aren't around? You'd like to think that he'd just take care of his hunger himself. Well, that's how men see it. He's just satisfying a hunger since you aren't around. So Julia Child helped him whip something up to satisfy his hunger. Does that mean he values your cooking any less? NO. Porn has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. And if you feel so strongly about the subject the only fair thing to do it to take some suggestive pictures of yourself for him to look at when he's hungry.

Most likely he said he was looking to make you jealous because either 1) he was joking or 2) he didn't think you would understand.

 
 
Avatar for jax71868
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 5:17pm
I agree with this post. I have looked at porn with ex boyfriends in the past - it's no big deal to me. Besides, maybe you can learn a few things to spice up your sex life from porn. That's what I've always thought and I've watched it by myself, too. It's just a way to add some variety to a couple's sex life. Men are visual creatures and that's part of why porn is important to them. I wouldn't make a big deal of this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 9:57pm
A good percentage of men look at porn. Like everyone else has said, men are very visual. I think of it more as "human nature" as opposed to "society deeming pornography okay." I have a feeling he's looked at porn many of times before you've caught him. I hate to break it to you, but I don't believe he will stop looking at porn, even if you ask him to. He'll sneak behind your back because it's an "aid" (if you will) for guys. I don't think you should feel like you're not enough for him or anything because he likes to view pornography. Guys like to masturbate as do women and it's perfectly healthy, even if you're in a commited relationship. If he needs an aid, I don't see the problem. Like you said, to a lot of women, it's not a big deal. Sure, I'll get jealous when my partners look at pornography, but there's nothing I can do about it. If it starts affecting your sex life, then I'd have a right to be angry. But until then, I think there are worse problems you could be dealing with besides a little porn here and there.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:39am
I dont expect him to do anything. I feel that out of respect for me he should be able to fight his urge to look at other naked women. There is nothing natural about it. Its a matter of self control. A relationship is give and take, if he cant give up something like this then that is very sad. I have seen porn before and found it extremely discusting. I also find it sad that there are so many women out there who would rather let their husbands/boyfriends/fiances look at porn then tell them that its wrong and that it hurts their feelings. Sorry to break it to you but I'm not that spinless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 10:46am
<<< also find it sad that there are so many women out there who would rather let their husbands/boyfriends/fiances look at porn then tell them that its wrong and that it hurts their feelings. Sorry to break it to you but I'm not that spinless.>>

What makes you think we don't say anything because we are spineless?? I personally don't think there is anything wrong with pornography...I'm secure in my body, my sexuality and my SO's affection for me not to be offended if he looks at porn. It has nothing to do with me being spineless, it has to do with me feeling secure in myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 11:38am
I'm not spineless, I just don't have those kind of self-esteem issues. What you are talking about here is not about the porn, it's about CONTROL! You don't think porn is too much for him to give up? Well, maybe he doesn't like it when you go out with your friends. Maybe he feels that he should be enough company for you, and that out of respect for him you should give it up. It's a two way street and if you can't do it then why should you expect it from him? A relationship is about compromises, not two people trying to dictact and exert control over each other!

As for porn, I don't believe it's wrong. It doesn't hurt my feelings. I know I'm hot and I also know that no man expects me to look like the girls in the mag. I also know that men realize that no one really looks like those models, and that the best way to get girls like those in the mag is to have a fat wallet.

But if you want him to stop looking at pictures of other women then I believe the only solution is to provide him pictures of yourself! That way you're happy, he's happy, and you can avoid the power struggle that you seem determined to begin!