How can I trust him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
How can I trust him?
13
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:23am
I really need some good advice. I met a great guy back in October on a work trip. We really hit it off and had a great time together even if it was for just a short amount of time. In my opinion, we had a great connection, both emotionally and physically. I never expected to hear from him again, assuming he was a typical 25 year old, but we have kept in touch for the past three months. We email very frequently and he calls about once a week, sometimes a little less. This past weekend, he had a work trip that was very close to where a live. We got together and went out on what I would call a "real date". Just coming out of a long-term, very bad relatinship, he was a nice change. He was so complimentary and acted like a gentleman - many compliments, very polite. I was so nervous, but it ended up being one of the most comfortable dates I had been on. We had a nice dinner, watched the Super Bowl a little, and went back to the hotel. Everything felt so right, and I did have sex with him. Just a little bit afterwards, as we were laying in bed, he asked me if I had a boyfriend, with which I honestly responded no. I asked him the same question, and he, too, said no. But I don't believe him!!! I still worry that maybe I was just a challenge to him - since I wouldn't do much with him in October, it was a personal challenge to get me this time. The phone rang a couple of times while we were hooking up, and my paranoid mind assumes this was his girlfriend wondering why he didn't answer the phone. I am so confused right now - how can I read his signals and tell what he really thinks? I really do like him. Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:38am
I hthink you have to give people the benifit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions, but I know if I get a gut feeling I'm usually right! Womans intuition but you could be completely wrong and he's completely singole and a nice guy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:44pm
Thank you, dubhgirl - I agree with the intuition thing, but sometimes it's hard for me to distinguish when I'm being paranoid and insecure vs. what is a true feeling. I sent him an email on Monday, late afternoon, and haven't heard from him yet ... Should I try to contact him again? I guess I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt ... I'm so sad!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:56pm
I think you made your choice - prioritizing sex and hooking up over getting to know someone in person over time before becoming intimate, knowing that you get emotionally attached through sex which is obvious from your post. If you don't trust him why in the world would you let him be inside of you and risk STD's and pregnancy and getting so attached? I am not saying he is not trustworthy, just that while you seem to want more than sex your actions speak otherwise and probably to him as well. My advice would be to move on unless you can see him consistently in person and over time and let him court you and don't have sex until you're exclusive and committed. If your priorities are truly hooking up then accept that and realize that you will have to deal with your insecurities - it is not his problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:58pm
I disagree - why give the benefit of the doubt - to the extent of having intercourse - to someone you have been out with on two dates - would you buy a house without having it inspected, for example, or take a job based on one interview and not ask any questions? Her "intuition" is based on almost no information - she has only been with him in person, twice - trust is built over time and by actions and she has no basis here to know whether he is trustworthy.
Avatar for jentwine
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 1:26pm
I agree with Deena. All these "worries" you should have had BEFORE you had sex with him not AFTER. But -- what's done is done. I suggest you stop having sex with him and get to know him, as Erin Doubleblade likes to say, vertically rather than horisontally. That's the only way to really find out if someone is trustworthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 1:42pm
Don't know if you'll be able to relate to this advice since I can't really relate to the way you think and behave, but girl -- BEFORE you have sex with a person is the time to build trust, the time to get to know him, the time to ask if he's seeing anyone else (or sleeping with anyone else). You did everything backwards IMO. How can you trust him? You can't yet. You don't know him well enough and you're not taking the time to ask the right questions before you get in too deep physically and emotionally. You are correct in thinking that he may be dating others, sleeping around, or in a committed relationship of some type with another woman. But since you never set the standard for yourself to find that out, or only become involved with a man who's unattached and emotionally available, you're feeling doubtful and insecure and rightly so. Security and trust comes from knowledge about the other person. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 1:54pm
I'm not sure I like the way I'm being made to appear on this message board. With comments like "I can't relate to how you think and behave" and not thinking about STDs and pregnancy. Although I did not see this guy in person very many times, we had gotten to know each other over a 3 month period. The time I spent with him when we first met - I did nothing sexual with him for the simple reason that we did not know each other and he had done nothing to earn that part of me. My decision wasn't based on not thinking or just "putting out". Having sex with random guys is not something that I condone or partake in myself. This is as random as it has gotten for me. I didn't fall for him the other night. I feel for him a couple months ago as we got to learn about each other over the phone and via email. It's not like I took a random guy home from the bar and had sex with him. Maybe better word choice would be advised in the future - you have made me feel cheap and dirty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 2:13pm
Stop trying to read signals or read his mind to understand what he is thinking. You are creating your own confusion and you are 100% accountable for it through your actions. The biggest part of trust is the ability to trust yourself that you can deal with whatever circumstances arise within your own personal boundaries.

Consider this for a minute. What would he have to do to prove that he does not have another relationship? Is this a reasonable request for you to make and something that you would also do to prove to him that you do not have another relationship?

You are accountable for the situations you create so you must also be accountable for offering and receiving the level of trust you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 2:22pm
I do not think you're cheap and dirty just not treating yourself with care or honesty by sleeping with someone that soon where you know you get emotionally attached, prioritizig lust over carig for your physical and emotional health and deciding to evade the trust issues in favor of having sex. I do not think 3 months of typing and talking is the same as in person consistent dating - at all.

If you feel cheap and dirty that is your issue - you seem to have a trouble owning your choices - I think casual sex between two consenting adults is fine and that the adults need to be honest with themselves about expectations - you were not and so you're feeling vulnerable now.

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 3:03pm
No one here wants you to feel cheap and dirty; I think that us 30-something + posters just get frustrated sometimes towards the younger posters (you seem younger from your lack of experience in this situation), because we're older and wiser- we really are! : )

The point that everyone is trying to tell you, is that you should have KNOWN whether or not he had a serious relationship going on, besides for you, BEFORE you slept with him. That's all. How well can you know a guy if you don't even know IF he is in another relationship? Be honest with yourself.

Next time, just take things slower (especially sexually) so that you don't get hurt or stuck wondering again. You do not seem like you want a casual sex setting, make precautions to ensure that such a setting doesn't happen from the get go! Live and learn, that's all you an do..............

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