How can I win him over???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
How can I win him over???
4
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 4:52am
There's a guy I've been seeing for about a month. We're not dating, we're not going out, we're basically just two people who like each other and who hang out. He seems to like me, he's the kind of guy who doesn't kiss a girl until they're official but we've already kissed and cuddled and everything. When we're alone I really like him, we goof around and have a lot of fun. Unfortunately he's a guy who's also big into sex, whether it's serious or casual, and I'm not into premarital sex at all. I'm very big into the whole "true love waits" thing and I think that for this reason I can't trust him, especially after I talked to him last night. When we got involved though, he seemed very adament that he wanted to become less sexual, he'd even been trying before we met (and succeeding I might add) and I want to believe that he still wants to be a good guy. We're not really a jealous couple or anything (almost all my friends are male and he's got tons of female friends too) but what he said last night really got to me. I thought we were really turning into something but his statement made me think that maybe we're not on the same page. Anway, I was talking to him, and he tells me about work and how he had to drive home one of his female coworkers. He goes on to say this: "She was really cute (that kinda stung a little), and she turned to me and said 'Andy, do you wanna have a little fun tonight?' (and I'm sure you know what she was talking about) and I was like 'heck yeah' but then I remembered I had work to do at home, so I couldn't." When he said that to me I was completely speechless (and I'm not even sure if I was suppose to find it funny or what! I mean, WHY would he tell ME that??). This made me think that he didn't really consider our relationship as important or as serious as I had. I got off the phone before he could see how upset I was and then I ignored his next call to me. I really want him to like me as much as I like him, but I just don't know what to do, I don't want to put out, it would conflict with my beliefs and with the way I want him to think of me. I know he likes me better than any other girls, but I also want to be the only girl he sees (we're not exclusive yet, so he technically didn't do anything wrong). It also bugs me how he ignores me or disrespects me around his friends sometimes. I know he's used to more "lower class" women (to put it nicely) but I really want to teach him that he can't act like that for me. Unfotunately I'm at the bad end of this relationship, I need him and he doesn't need me, and we both know it. Usually he does respect me, however, but I need him to realize he needs to ALL the time. I want to teach him how to have a more mature relationship. I want to seem like a harder and better catch to him and I want him to ask me to be more, I don't want to ask him. I really need to get a little control in this relationship. If you have any ideas please let me know, I really want to get him and keep him. Thanks so much for all your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 7:15am
People today different all the time from each other. There are those with high moral values. And then there are those with lower moral values. It is mostly the lower class person that has lower moral standards. It is difficult for a woman to have a guy’s attention especially when she likes him.

I think you must set your mind in a more relaxed mode. It is very clear that you and this person are on different waves. You might be more mature with good moral standards and want to settle down in a steady relation. You must know that you cannot change some one. Your friend must also have the same idea in life as you. You cannot have a relationship with someone, and in yourself you know he enjoys having casual sex. You will put yourself through a lot of pain.

You need to treat him the same as all your friends. You can give him now and then a hint you like him. But do not go out of your way for him. By keeping a little of distance you might pull him closer. Once things are getting serious you can set your standards and limits. And if he is willing to go along with it and he knows the moral standards of life you can consider it.

Personally I think he is not yet ready to settle. He needs to stay away from woman completely when it comes to sex. He can still keep all his woman friends. But in this period he needs to find him self as a person. What he likes in a woman, and what he would like to have in a woman. He needs to find out what he wants to do in life, and what type of woman will suit him. Then only he can go out and see what he likes. It does not say that you will be the person he would want in his life. He could maybe end up choosing something completely different. And it does not look asif your friend have reach this conclusion yet.

Be care full that you do not over react on your feelings for him and ending up having sex, and it is for him just another enjoyment.

Maybe you must let your eyes fall around more, you will be surprise once you relise on what you can get……

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 9:30am
There's a simple value problem here--you're imposing your values on him. He's a person who doesn't mind pre-marital sex and you're a person who won't have pre-marital sex. Right there is a big flag waving. You're trying for a relationship with a guy who doesn't have your values, who dates 'lower class' women and who doesn't respect you. Why would you try to force the square peg into a circular hole? It's just going to be frustrating for you.

His comment to me, whether it be true or not is just one to get a rise out of you. But then again, if you're not dating and you're not going out, the comment shouldn't really matter. You're just basically friends...

Right now you have nothing with this guy. I would keep it that way. If you have to teach a person all the lessons you want to teach him, then it's really not worth it. He is who he is, you are who you are. No judgements. No he's wrong, I'm right... The only important thing is: Are the two of you compatible? From the sounds of it, I would say no.

Find someone who holds your same beliefs and values the same ideas.

Hope this helps. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 11:18am
Hello kreativespirit!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 1:31pm
Sounds like you two have a different set of values.
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