How can someone you just met do this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
How can someone you just met do this??
6
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:30am

Ok here's the story everyone… First of all, go easy on me because I was hesitant to even post this here because I'm so embarrassed about it, but I feel really bad about it so I'm hoping you ladies can give me some good uplifting advice. Here's the story…

I have been single for a year now and have just recently begun dating again. I've been going on a few dates here and there, nothing has really gotten past the first meet stage except for one person who agreed to be friends with me even though there was no "spark" there in that way on my end. I made this abundantly clear from the start, but he insisted that he understood and that he enjoyed my company and liked me too much as a person to lose me as a friend so he'd rather have me in his life like that than nothing at all. Fine. So we met up one more time and just walked around the mall and caught the football game at a restaurant while having lunch. It was a nice time, but after that I kept just catching him in all sorts of stupid lies online. I told him he didn’t even need to lie to me because I wasn’t his girlfriend. That part is not important, let's just say this man is a compulsive liar and leave it at that.

Anyway, last night I don’t know how, but I allowed this person to bring me to tears and upset me beyond belief with something he said. We got in an argument over the lying and the word "respect" came up. So I told him he didn’t respect anyone but himself. I told him he didn’t respect me and he said outright "no, I don’t". I was absolutely stunned and floored. For some reason that just froze me and brought me to tears. This is not the first time he has said something to upset me and then just later apologized. He then later admitted that the reason for his actions was partly because he was a little mad all along that he had feelings for me and I didn’t have them back for him. I told him that is not my fault, I was upfront from minute one and if he didn’t think he could handle it he could've told me and walked and I would've completely understood. Theres things that I'm leaving out too. Like the fact that he bought me a $350 coach bag as a "gift" (when he told me about it I told him I refused to take it)… So I finally came to the realization "why am I allowing this person that I just met pretty much to bring me to this level of upset? Something is wrong… I am not going to allow this" - and I hung up the phone on him.

It was funny because I have a date tomorrow night that I'm very excited about, he sounds very nice, calls when he says he will, we had fun on the phone, so far so good, etc. and he called right after I hung up on this other one. Then while I was on the phone with him (trying to hide the fact that I'd been crying) - the other guy kept ringing in. He then left me a text message at 6am this morning that said "I'm sorry for upsetting you". How is it that we can sometimes allow virtual strangers to hurt us so bad? And this guy keeps on trying to contact me now, but I havent answered since I hung up on him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 11:17am

I don't think your situation is so bad. You were honest with the guy that you had no romantic interest, you recognized the fact he had issues, you attempted to be friendly with him and then he said some really stupid things.

Obviously, he is some sort of drama queen and enjoys getting a rise out of people. He attacks people and then when he goes too far he makes it all better with empty apologies. You don't know this guy well and you couldn't predict what would happen.

But now you do.

So it is time to implement Call Block, Email block and IM block and move on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:43pm

You didn't do anything to be ashamed of, so don't worry about how folks here will respond. You simply tried to be friends with a man who said he wanted to be your friend, despite being attracted to you. Nothing wrong with that... except now you know why it hardly ever works right after a "dumping." Someone is always resentful, spiteful, jealous, desperate-acting, or just too sad to be a real friend.

In this case, the guy was not only mean to you (because of his wounded pride), you found out he's a habitual LIAR. Hon, you know there's no way to have a healthy friendship with someone who constantly lies to you.

I agree with Chamey that you should immediately block him from all your equipment. That last conversation should have been enough to let him know he is no longer welcome in your life. But if he keeps calling, you might want to accept ONE more call from him... so you can tell him to stop contacting you. Just say you don't think you're compatible as friends and you don't want that tension in your life. If he tries to argue with you about it, tell him goodbye and hang up the phone. I sincerely hope that is The End of him.

And I wish you much luck with the new guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 4:34pm

Yes, don't have any further contact with this person. Why do we allow others to get to us, virtual strangers, and people we're not that hooked into? It's not uncommon, we are all fragile and narcisistic and want everyone to like and want us. This is something you should think about for yourself so that you don't give people who aren't even really in your life power over you


And definitely dont respond to him anymore

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 8:30am

Hi Everyone,

Just an update on everything... FIRST (lol), no I did not keep (or even accept) the bag. No way was I gonna accept it and let this guy have something to hold over my head. Second, I have not answered any of his calls/texts/emails since that last time I hung up on him. And he hasnt really stopped trying. It's not a constant thing, but here and there i'm getting stuff. I'm sure it'll stop once he sees i'm really serious about not wanting to talk to him ever again. Oh, and about that other date I was so excited about?? That guy completely blew me off. I called him saturday just like we planned, and he says to me "oh, i'm JUST JUST about to get in the shower, can I call you back?" and I go "yeah, I was just calling to see if we're still on for tonight" and he goes "yeah, definately, i'll call you back" and guess what... no call. This from a guy who pursued ME first and wasted my time on the phone saying how excited he was to meet me. I dont know... Sometimes I just dont understand. Oh well. But hey, I have something else already set up for Tuesday lol... Hopefully this one wont cancel or blow me off ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 11:29am
Yes don't give this guy power over you, which he will get if you react one way or the other. Ignore him and he will go away
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:48pm
you should be HAPPY that you didn't end up liking that guy or else you would have hurt even more. somehow i can relate to how he feels though. his selfish actions are caused by his own insecurities and that's something he's gotta deal with on his own, no women can ever changed that for him. part of "growing" up is to learn how to be considerate of other people's feelings. i know, i've been there. :) it's great you have someone new to look forward to so you don't have to stress over someone undeserving.