how to confort him about lying?
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how to confort him about lying?
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:44pm |
This is over a silly thing BUT it concerns me because if he lies about something silly, then maybe he will lie to about bigger things...
this morning coming to work i was waiting at the traffic lights and looked up at the car in front of me. the car didn't look familiar but the person in it did. i was certain it was the guy i have been seeing. i followed him to the parking lot and he took a turn that the guy i am seeing would not really take. at that point i was 100% sure it was him.
I get to the office and about 5 minutes later he walks by. so i went over to his office to talk to him and asked him why he isn't driving his own car...he denied it and said "yes, i drove my own car to work today, what are you talking about?" I brushed it off and thought that maybe I had just seen wrong.
well later on during the day i became convinced again that he had been driving the car as something (i wont go into the details here, but i am 110% sure now) came up that totally proved he was not driving his own car.
Now, why is he lying about this??? I don't know whether he can't afford(he is a full time student and can only be at the office 22 hours a week) the payments on his brand new car and had to sell it and drive his sister's car (which I am quite sure it is her car) and he is embarrassed to tell me or what is up. I have accused him of lying to me before and he went mad...this worries me. if he lies about something so trivial as this, I am worried he'd lie to me about other things too...i want to confront him but i am afraid he'll jump on me and say "dont EVER accuse me of being a liar" like he did before...what do i do???
this morning coming to work i was waiting at the traffic lights and looked up at the car in front of me. the car didn't look familiar but the person in it did. i was certain it was the guy i have been seeing. i followed him to the parking lot and he took a turn that the guy i am seeing would not really take. at that point i was 100% sure it was him.
I get to the office and about 5 minutes later he walks by. so i went over to his office to talk to him and asked him why he isn't driving his own car...he denied it and said "yes, i drove my own car to work today, what are you talking about?" I brushed it off and thought that maybe I had just seen wrong.
well later on during the day i became convinced again that he had been driving the car as something (i wont go into the details here, but i am 110% sure now) came up that totally proved he was not driving his own car.
Now, why is he lying about this??? I don't know whether he can't afford(he is a full time student and can only be at the office 22 hours a week) the payments on his brand new car and had to sell it and drive his sister's car (which I am quite sure it is her car) and he is embarrassed to tell me or what is up. I have accused him of lying to me before and he went mad...this worries me. if he lies about something so trivial as this, I am worried he'd lie to me about other things too...i want to confront him but i am afraid he'll jump on me and say "dont EVER accuse me of being a liar" like he did before...what do i do???

I wouldn't worry about it too much. To me, it sounds like a lie told out of embarrassment. Yes, lying is a bad sign, but lying about something like that is a bit different than had he lied abuut something more significant.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
A mature person would have said "I saw you driving a Chrysler Cordova this morning, are you having trouble with your car?"
That tells them what you know and saw....and it let's them know what your concern is.
However, your approach of not saying what you saw, or ho you know what you know - leads people to believe if you've been stalking or spying on them, or if you've seen something they don't want you to see and are about to be hit over the head with.
He could have lent his car to another woman....not necessarily a fling or a date.....and in that he's not sure what you saw...for all he knows - you saw a woman going the other way on the street that you THOUGHT was his car...and you were about to jump all over him for "what's another woman doing driving your vehicle?"
Basically, you really don't know much. Unless you've seen the title - ou don't know that the original car is "his" or was just a loan.
And unless you know the car he was driving was his sisters and has to do with the reason you stated - you're making a speculation.
Funny, how your mind didn't run to "I wonder if he slept with someone else last night and she has his car?".....is that too unthinkable to deal with as a concept? Or is it something you'd have no clue as to how to "cleverly confront to get him to lie so that you could catch him at it?"
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
The thing is, I have been suspicious of him before, which actually JUST occurred. I went to his house and went to get a condom from his "condom drawer"...well I could not find the opened pack which had 2 condoms left(from which we took one last time a week ago), only some other ones. He acted all innocent and said "i don't know what pack you are talking about, we used them all last time"...I had to hold myself back, but now I wish I had gone to his car and checked his glovebox as that's where he at least used to have condoms. I am quite sure I would have found the rest of the pack there, which you HAVE to agree with me, is very very concerning(especially since he went out last weekend with his friend and supposedly came home at 6 in the morning)...am I being a total psychopath? It's hard to trust him when I KNOW he lies to me at times...
Basically, you've known this guy 3 months. You've had enough interaction and communication to know one thing "your attention and desire for me makes me really like myself, I like your attention".
But you don't know a thing about his character or his values....because you haven't had enough unrehearsed interaction with him to see his "spontaneous reaction" to situations or circumstances.
You KNOW he's a liar.
Here's where you're getting yourself "confused".
You think because you've only been dating 3 months - he probably is uncomfortable disclosing his financial problems if they exist.
That's true. He also might be uncomfortable with that if you dated 3 years...as well.
So you can disregard the "why you think he's lying possibility" adn stick with the facts.
You two have been dating 3 months - that it.
Do you have an agreement on physical exclusivity? IF not...you need to sit down and talk. Because you two have not developed the relationship yet that is based on "I admire and respect you as a person and cherish your involvement in my life as a result of that respect that I have for you."
So, if you're sleeping with him...that's fine. But realize that dating and sleeping together doesn't mean that either of you share the definition of a great relationship...and you really don't know one another well enough to discuss things except in generalities.
So, if you haven't discussed physical exclusivity so that you can both get your sexual desires met with only one another...you should.
Again - facts are what you review
You've been dating 3 months - yes.
Do you have a mutual agreement via honest communication regarding physical exclusivity? I dont know - I'm sure you do.
You're now telling him waht you know...and he's lying.
I'm not sure what more "proof" you want that he's a liar...and I don't you don't wnat to face the fact he's a liar....becuse somewhere in your values system you probably have a "boundary" that says "I don't date people that I KNOW to be liars".
You can't trust liars. Don't wonder why you can't -it's because they tell you waht you want to hear that gets them what you want.....that is why you can't trust a liar. And people don't lie "situationally"...they either lie or they don't. And if they do lie - they'll lie in ANY situation that it would beneefit them to tell a lie in.
And therein lies your NEXT connundrum....what does he value and prioritize? YOu don't know.....you've only been dating two months, you're still in the heat of infatuation.
So you're saying "I know he is a liar" - and rather than try to find justifications or reasons that he's lying - it's much more mature and self-responsible to say "I am dating a liar"...and face that reality and deal with it.
If you want to continue to date a liar - you absolutely can. YOu'll nver trust them...but you can date them if you choose.
What you don't have th eoption to do is "make him not lie" - by being "all that he wants in a girlfriend" or some other such silly notion.
He lies becuase he wants to and believes he has th right to and it is right to do. What people do "for" you - they'll do with, to, toward, about, in spite of, despite, and because of you as well. The common denominator in all of our lives - is "us" as individuals.
He's not lying "to you in this situation because of his embarrassment".
he's lying and you know it. YOu're just trying to find rationalization or excuses so that you don't have to admit 'he's a liar and I am dating him by choice."
Erin
quickblade14@homail.com