How to deal with unresolved Issues?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
How to deal with unresolved Issues?
2
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:40am
An ex that I have been involved in for a year and a half said he didn't want to talk to me anymore a couple of days ago. That evening I listened to all he had to say. I even listened calmly when he said things that would ordinarily make me angry and just asked for clarification and let him explain. At first, I felt good because I left graciously. But, that morning all of these unresolved feelings wrestled me down. I realized that I listened to all he had to say and didn't say how I felt. So, I called and said that I wanted to say goodbye and find closure. I thought he would understand, because I depended on him so much. He was the first person I told about the sexual abuse and the only person who was supportive if I called in the middle of the night with a flashback. I felt deserted because I depended on him, so much. But, when I said he deserted me he cut me off half way through what I needed to say and wouldn't let me finish. I know I should have said "I felt" But, in the other conversation I listened to him even when he said "you are trouble," which wasn't the best way for him to get his point across either. I asked him to at least just let me leave a message saying the rest and he can choose whether to listen once he calmed down. He said if I left a message it would be stalking. I was so hurt that someone I opened up to so much, who said he cared about my well being would say something like that. Or that he would not want to at least end on a good note with both parties walking away from the conversation satisfied. I wasn't trying to reconnect. I just wanted say goodbye, close things and let us leave feeling like we said most if not all of what we needed to say.

So, now, how do I express these unresolved feelings. I have journaled, I have wrote and said out loud and I still feel shorted. I still lack closure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:14pm
Why not just "let go"...talking to him won't give you closure. However, you can give yourself closure by thinking that he was your life when you needed him the most but that the cycle has been completed and that he needs to move on. He did what he needed to do for his own good. Perhaps he wasn't that delicate in putting his ideas into words but you got the message. He's told you he doesn't want to talk to you so respect his wishes. For your own wellbeing you should try to move on as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 1:23pm
Closure is what you give yourself when you say "it's over and i must find another way to figure out how to become who I wish to become".

I highly recommend NOT turning to someone else - but turning inward.

Erin

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