how do I approach paying?
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how do I approach paying?
| Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:14am |
Ok i have truly met the most wonderful guy in the world. (how cliche) but this guy is really great especially compared to my ex boyfriend whom i broke up with only about a month ago. One of the main reasons we broke up was because he did not move off of his couch...AT HOME (yep, lived with parents). It would be one thing if he lived with his parents (he's 23) to save money and to get things figured out about his life, but he only works 15 hours a week (if that) and in the 3 years we have been together, we have gone out to dinner less than 7 times. 2 of which were Valentine's day. He's super cheap and used to make me drive everywhere because he didn't like to get gas. I work 30 hrs a week and am a full time student. Oh, his mom paid for the gas, but he just hated having to go get it. Well I graduate from college in may and told him that i couldn't live my life that and that i need to live a more fulfilling life because according to him, he's already lived his life. (remember he is only 23) Well anyway, I started hanging out with this guy that I work with and he is truly great. He wants to take me places all the time and is just everything that my life has been void of. THe only thing is that I don't know how to act! I'm so used to paying for at least half of everything and the other night, he refused to let me buy him a beer or even myself one! AFter a couple of weeks of hanging out, he asked me to go to this show in Cincinnati with him in a couple of weeks and he wants to take me to Memphis next week. I am the hugest Elvis fan ever and I always talk about how I want to go to Graceland. Well yesterday, he's like ok, on Monday and Tuesday, I'm going to take you to Graceland (about 7 hrs away). After me protesting that I didn't want him to do that, he refused and is making arrangements right now. (my ex would need 2 weeks advance notice to go out to dinner). OK so I guess my question is what should I pay for and how should I approach it. I simply can't let him pay for everything. Should I just take it apon myself to pay for gas when we stop, pay for the hotel, or tickets? I just need advice on how to approach it. Thanks so much for listening (reading) and I appreciate any advice anyone has! Thanks!!

I'd be the same way, I hate having someone always pay my way. It makes me feel like I "owe" them something.
The guy I'm dating now was paying for things for awhile all the time when we first started dating. One night, we were taking a drive, I suggested stopping for ice cream and just told him it was my turn to buy since it was my idea. He seemed a little unsure of this at first, but he did let me pay. Since then we've both paid for things (dinners, groceries, clothing - many items) and we don't even live together. Sometimes one of us pays for the meal, the other leaves the tip. I like this, because I don't want to end up in a relationship where "mine and yours money" turns into a big issue. We don't keep track of who owes who what, we just pay for things, thats that. I'm glad he lets things be this way!
As for your Graceland trip, has he bought the tickets for the actual park, yet? I think you can pay in advance online or by phone. If he hasn't, this would be an easy way for you to contribute. Also, offer to bring some things for the car trip, like snacks or cds. There are subtle ways to chip in, too.
And try not to worry so much about him paying for everything right now. He's only trying to show you that he likes you by taking care of things. He'll losen up a bit with time.
I asked my present SO and he told me that once you get past dating mode and into relationship mode, then you can begin splitting the bill...but he still mostly pays for everything. And yes, this includes vacations...but we're an 'established' couple. On our first vacation, we split it. You can try to whip out your credit card a couple of times and see if he'll let you...I think the most important thing is for you to talk about how you're feeling about it and share with him your past experiences and go from there.
On a subconscious level, you worked very hard to"buy" someone in that last boyfriend - you tried to upgrade and improve him at your expense. And that is "comfortable" for you - that give syou assure that you won't be left or abandoned - if you're the provider and superior one in the relationship.
Here's the thing.....dating is not "a relationship". In a relationship of commitment and longevity - you can eaisly pay for things and split tabs and so on because there is a "we" as an entity that you're giving to.
But in dating.....how to put this....some guys pay for the pleasure of your company, your conversation, they consider the investment of the date a worthwhile one because they're getting to know you.....that is the "investment" they make you as a person becuase they're seeking companionship (not sex).
And some guys pay for the date, to ensure that you go home. What they don't want is commitment or partnership, and if they pay for the dating experience then they're assured that when they're done paying -you'll go away and they don't have ot facilitate or accommodate you anymore. In other words, those guys are putting on a facade of being someone they're not in terms of being nice and sweet and caring, and genereally their idea of "dating" is always a big production. It's a go places, do things whirlwind that never stops - there isn't real conversation between the two of you about important issues in life, shared political views, shared interests....theri idea of dating is just a whirlwind courtship where there is little emotional involvement or attachment - becuase you're always going somewhere, doing something - sky diving, scuba diving, going on a cruse, you're always off to somewhre or out doing something exciting, new, adventurous - and that gives you time to discuss the events and interests that you're enjoying together - but it doesn't leave you any real time to get to know one another outside of fun, sex, if you're willing - and companionship in the moment. Those people are NOT wanting to date to find a partner...they're dating for fun, sex, companionship - pay to have you go home when the "fun is done"..and after awhile if itis getting expensive enough to do all this - they'll gladly let you pay half if not all.
But this guy sounds like he want sto impress and please you - which is natural in the beginning of any dating situation. Whether he wnats a relationship and a partner - who's to say. Only he knows.
But what you're approach is going to do is this....you're going pay for things, attempt to pay half, always be trying to grab the check, or prepay something....and he's going to go "oh, i get it - she doesn't want me to invest in her emotionally or as a person - she just wants fun, sex, companionship and to have a good time in the moment."
If he wants a partnership and relationship - he'll stop dating you - you won't be wanting what he wants. IF he doesn't want a partnership, you two will grapple or sidestep your way around this "who's paying for what" issue for a long time - you two will be hanging out more as "friend with benefits" in terms of the emotional investment and attachment he'll have to you based on his "investment and involvement" in you as a person - and when you fall hard for him, and want him to want you as a romantic interest - he won't.
He'll consider you a good friend, a good lay, a good fun chick who is cool to od things with...but who's very independent, doesn't want a guy to get attached, is very into her own goals and agenda, that's why she pays and has sex without emotional attachment - she doesn't want a relationship.
Generally, a dynamic stays where it starts...which is where lots of women make the big mistakein dating - particularly when comparing him to an immature, irrresponsible ex and saying "you're so great by comaprison to this loser".
You're not wnating this "good thing" to get away -and you figure if you pay halfsies he won't figure tha tyou're a gold digger and stick around. That would be true - if you were dealing with another loser. But if you're not....your approach will have them not emotionally attaching or investment in you romantically and you'll lose the very thing that you're seeking to get.
Don't do what you did with the loser...unless you want to either a) lose a guy that's not a loser or b) get another loser.
Doing what you did...gets you more of what you got. It's imperative to realize that the dynamic in that previous relationship was what suited your emotional comfort zone on a fundamental level. Taht's why youo're having such difficulty with this other dynamic -and why you're trying ot get it to revert to the previous dynamic you had with the loser.
ERin
quickblade14@hotmail.com