How do I bring up the subject of orgasms

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
How do I bring up the subject of orgasms
10
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 2:03pm
I have recently started dating a wonderful man. We both feel a tremendous amount of "sexual energy" between us, but have decided that we want to wait to have sex until we are both sure that sex isn't the only thing that is bringing us together. We both feel that there is a great deal of potential for us to have a meaningful relationship, and we are both willing to wait until the time is right.

Here is my dilemna. In past relationships, I have very rarely been orgasmic during intercourse, including oral or manual stimulation. I do feel aroused during sex, but for the most part, only acheive orgasm through masturbation. During my marriage, I "faked it" on a regular basis. I do not want to get into that situation again.

In light of this incredible heat that we both feel, (I do get extremely aroused when we are necking), how do I broach the subject of not being readily orgasmic? I realize that during our first sexual encounter would not be the best time...and that perhaps before that would be appropriate. But how do I bring that up? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 4:55pm
Well, you don't bring it up with him. You're saying in a significantly low number of times in view of the entire number of times you've had sex...that you've had an orgasm.

Meaning, YOU are the common denominator, the men are not "doing something wrong, or not doing something right". You have an "issue" with having an orgasm during intercourse (good girls don't, I shouldn't be doing this till I get married, I'm not entitled to get enjoyment of of this...the list is endless really)...and you can talk to a therapist, find out what that issue is, resolve it and move on to great sex with every partner you ever have....or you can be forever sexually frustrated.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 5:00pm
I'm not really sure that is what I wanted to hear. Are you saying that all women that are not able to achieve orgasm during intercourse are "dysfunctional" and need therapy?? The advice that I'm looking for is how do I broach the subject that I love having sex, and I get aroused before and during sex, but that the "payoff" of an orgasm is not always necessarily part of the experience, and I'm ok with that.....but generally guys ask...."did you come"....during the act, well, i want to avoid having to say no during the act... and let him know ahead of time that for me, it's not always about the orgasm.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 5:45pm

I think that would just be

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 5:46pm
Well, you could have a physical reason you don't orgasm during intercourse....but if that were the case and the physical reason was within you - you'd have never had that during intercourse with any partner. And, you have.

If you've only had that experience with ONE of your partners..and none of the rest...there was something within the physical dynamic of that relationship, or the emotional component that made that a possibility in that relationship. Meaning, if it is a physical issue - your next partner would have to be identical to him in that physical issue - in order to achieve that result with you. And if it was an emotional component, it's not possible for you to reach orgasm until that "emotional need/component is met/exists" - so it would be imperative for you to be EXTREMELY self-aware and self-responsible about yourself, life, future, actions - etc. because that would mean that anything you did or he did could "severe" the bond and whereas up to that point once the bond existed you could orgasm during intercourse, after that action on one of your parts, you could not. That would be incredibly frustrating for everybody involved.


But you've got a software problem......not a hardware problem (physical) most likely. This is kind of like a guy that can get aroused, and stay hard during foreplay and making out - only to EVERY TIME or almost every time go limp immediately upon 'getting to the act of sex' or shortly into it - by less than a minute. Those are guys that have "an issue with sex/women" - and they like the physical arousal and the fact that they can get aroused and stay in that state for a period of time when 'actual intercourse' is not involved indicates it's a software (emotional association/reasoning structure) problem, not a hardware problem that is in need of viagra. You've got the same issue.

Which doesn't mean it has to be resolved....it's fine if your'e going to withhold orgasms from yourself (which is basically what you're doing) unless you're masturbating - an if you're unable to achieve an orgasm if he masturbates you but you can when you're alone - then you know it's a software issue and you really ought to address it.

But, I'd get an entire physical and if the OB/GYN can't find a physical reason that orgasm isn't possible for you during intercourse, or if it would have to be a specification on a partner that would be required in order to achieve it based on your physical "layout" for lack of better wording, then you'll know it is NOT a hardware issue at all.

And then....if you're not going to go further and address the software issue...I'm not sure why youo're doing all this disclosing or hiding. Just tell 'em how it is - I don't generally orgasm during intercourse, I have to masterbate on my own to achieve orgasm. That way - they're not asking you if you're getting off, you're not having to fake it and put yourself through an entire routine.

If a relationship is a healthy and positive one for you - you might overcome whatever issues you've got over time with a solid relationship, and a loving and reliable partner that you respect, admire, and who does the same for you - outside of bed...so that in bed you're able to let loose and enjoy yourself completely.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:56pm
I agree that you shouldn't discuss this topic unless and until it actually becomes an issue (ie, if he's preoccupied with making you have an orgasm). Otherwise, why make an issue of it at all? A pretty large number of women don't have orgasms during intercourse, so I wouldn't get too worried about it. When the time comes that you are in a serious relationship and if you are really close, you could explore the topic together, do some research about it and try different things together. But personally I'd have to be in a really close relationship with someone before I dove into all that. Try to relax and enjoy. (And do you really have to ask a guy if he comes? Can't you just....tell?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:55pm
Hi there!

I read your message and all the replies. I see your frustration with the replies. They are not addressing the question, but trying to tackle your "problem". Well intentioned (I think) though a bit harsh in places.

I have this same issue! I am even multi-orgasmic when masterbating and rarely, if at all with my partners. These are men who I have loved deeply, felt comfortable with, I am very sexual and feel very comfortable with my sexuality, I love my body and feel deeply that I deserve my orgasms, so these are not the problem. I think its just tricky for get me there, so often I will touch myself with my partner watching or during our lovemaking.

As for talking about this with your partner. I'm not sure I would at first. I have in the past but it seems to create a challenge for my partners. They will try super hard to make it happen and this is not good. It seems to make things worse. I feel pressured to orgasm which of course makes it ever more elusive.

Perhaps, if you feel comfortable doing so, touch yourself while you are with him. Many men enjoy this a great deal. I can do this sometimes and sometimes I cannot but in either case I hate to see and feel the disappointment of my partner if he knows I haven't orgasmed.

Just my thoughts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:44pm
You bring up a question that's interesting to me, but I can never get any discussion going about it. That is, what is different or what are the characteristics of women who always reach orgasm during intercourse? Is it something about them, or the relationship, or what? It seems like a natural question, but I've rarely seen it discussed.

A couple of ideas: I read a book once by a writer named Barbara de Angelis -- not everyone likes her -- who suggested stopping masturbation and just concentrating on feelings toward the husband/boyfriend. And not worry about orgasm for a while.

There was also a book a few years back about a so-called "Coital Alignment Technique" that supposedly produces much more orgasm during intercourse.

As for you question -- I think it might not be a bad idea to talk about it with your boyfriend, but only when it feels "right" to you. Not if it feels at all "weird". It obviously is of concern to you, including his likely reaction. Maybe better to deal with it before than after. You might learn a lot about him in a lot of ways from his reaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:12pm
Rarely seen this discussed? Really? Have you explored the more sex-orientated boards at ivillage? I have seen it discussed at great length on these boards, many times over the course of the many years I've been here. Keep looking (and look in the archives as well).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 11:00pm
Thank you for finally seeing my point of view......to be told that I had a "Problem" was not what I wanted to hear.....I do appreciate your suggestion, about bringing masturbation into the lovemaking.....I have not really been comfortable doing this in the past, but I think that it might be a possible solution. Believe me, I would love to have orgasms with this partner, and from what he and I have talked about, about our sexual proclivities and preferences, I don't think it would be at all inappropriate to introduce this additional facet to our sessions. And if in fact that does help bring me to orgasm during sex with my partner, I will continue to include it. If it does not, perhaps that will be the way to open up the discussion.

Thank you for your insights and openness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 11:25am
Nope, haven't seen discussed the difference in women who have *no trouble* reaching orgasm during intercourse. Plenty on women who *do* have trouble and then find ways around it mainly masturbation of one sort or another.

The only place I've really seen it discussed is a chapter in an old book by Natalie Gittelson called "The Erotic Life of the American Wife". Her conclusion seems to be that these women are the same ones as those who are in what she calls "green marriages". They are crazy about their husbands seems to be what it comes down to. Now whether they come easily because they are crazy about their husbands or are crazy about their husbands because they come easily isn't answered. Kind of a chicken and egg question I guess.