how do I change myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
how do I change myself?
5
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:05am
i was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. it was great at the beginning, but then things started to change..nothing new..but i noticed it just kept getting worse and worse. a lot of it was my own fault, always starting arguments, getting mad for stupid things, not thinking before i speak, taking things out on him for no reason...it just goes on and on...we broke up back in november and got back together in december. we tried again for these past few months, and out of 7 days in a week, only 1 would be a good day. the rest would end up with some sort of argument. and nine out of 10 times i would start it. so many times i have tried to change, but it always goes back to the same thing. yesterday he broke up with me again, but now i'm thinking this time it was for good. he can't handle it any more, and we were both unhappy. he said every time he thinks its going well, something goes wrong again. i know that if i had just treated him better and changed the way i was supposed to, this wouldnt have happened. it would have been our 2 year annniversary in april, and i'm already thinking to do something to recreate when he first asked me out. but in this month in a half that i have, i want to change. although i complained so much about him, there were things that i know i truly loved about him and i cannot just let him go. if he gave me another chance, the things i need to change are my complaining, trust in him, bad temper, stress, and being more appreciative. i notice that when i have tried in the past, it would be ok for a week, then i would go back to the way i used to be. i dont know what to do, because i do not seem to learn from my mistakes. is there any way i can change for good so we could have a better relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:15am
Having been in your shoes once upon a not too distant time ago I can impart what I've learned.

First and foremost, stop trying to change yourself to suit someone else! You're not trying to make changes so you'll be happy in your day-to-day life, you're trying to change to keep a hold of a relationship that has never stood on a solid and emotionally healthy foundation. If you want to change, do it because you want to look in the mirror each and every day liking what you see!

Seek some counseling, find out where all of your insecurities are coming from, learn to be happy with yourself BY YOURSELF without thinking that a relationship with this person or any other is the end-all and be-all of your overall happiness.

In theory, it sounds simple, but in practice this will NOT be achieved in a month and a half---it is something that has been ingrained in you more than likely over the duration of your life and it will take a lot of time and A LOT of hard work to make the internal changes. You have to be willing to make this as much a part of your life as eating and sleeping.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:21am
thanks Michelle for responding,

i guess you're right, i shouldnt be changing myself just for one person. but in reality i am unhappy with myself overall. i have lost friends, not only this boyfriend. and it all has to do with the way i am. i was thinking of getting some sort of councelling, since it does seem like the only option. thanks for you're advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:42am
If you truly want him back, I would consider writing him a letter and apologizing for your actions. Perhaps you will want to mention that you are considering some form of therapy, if for no reason than to show him that you are serious about wanting to do your part to be better. No matter what happens, you will always know that you stood up and were accountable for your part in the demise of the relationship. Believe it or not, someday that will actually make you feel pretty good.

Keep in mind, however, that it does take two people for a relationship to fail or succeed. I have been exactly where you are now, and I thought that only me and my faults ruined the r-ship, but after careful consideration that was FAR from true. If anything, given the manipulative jacka$$ I was with, I was doing damn good! :-)

As far as changing - no, it probably will not happen in six weeks. But you can begin to make small improvements as you go. My suggestion is a book called "Self-Defeating Behaviors" by Milton Cudney and Robert Hardy. It is EXCELLENT. In fact, I would advise that you take a look at it before considering therapy, or at least in conjunction with therapy. The book talks about everything you've mentioned - why we continue in behaviors that don't get us what we want, why we can't just snap our fingers and change, and finally how to REALLY change. The key there is that change is gradual.

I must admit, I still have moments where I think "why didn't I do all of this before now?", as you inevitably will for quite some time, no matter how things turn out. Just remember that you've got another 40 to 60 years to make up for the past 20. Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you recognize that something about you needs to change and that you're willing to do so says a hell of a lot about you!

Best of luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:04am
I've written many letters to him, but i guess writing one more won't hurt. I'm just afraid that after so many chances, he might not want to give me another chance and will not believe me this time when i say i will change. i'll take into consideration the book you mentioned, right now i will do just about anything to change, even if it takes a long time. thanks again :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:38am
If you're seeing that this behavior is affecting your overall life, then please do get some help. Being unhappy with yourself is a horrible way to go through life because life really does have so much GOOD to offer.

When I first started realizing the changes I needed to make, I didn't want to seek counseling, so I purchased a few books to get a feel for what was going on. I've listed the ones I read and though I'm not a huge proponent of self-help books, these definitely helped me open my eyes to my behaviors:

Facing Co-dependency by Pia Mellody

Love Addiction, also by Pia Mellody

Co-dependent no more by Melody Beatty

Good Luck.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis