How do I do it ? about flirting....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
How do I do it ? about flirting....
10
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:16am

Hi there,
I recently finished a 4.5 year on and off long-distance relationship. I don't think I'm ready for something serious yet, but I miss companionship and well, some intimacy, since I only saw my ex for 2 weeks in the past 9 months.

I tried an online dating service and met with a few guys, but being kind of a serious person, we seem to end up talking about serious things and it would be nice if I was looking for friends, but I want flirting and romance, something that I didn't have for so long. But from the other side, I'm a bit afraid to look like someone "easy". I don't really have problems with sexuality or anything like that, I just want to have nice times but with someone who respects me and doesn't see me just as a sexual object...

I don't know may be because I've been in a relationship for so long and actually I've never had to date, because my exes always initiated contact, I'm not sure how to behave.

What should I talk about? We seem to always end up talking about relationships, politics, I don't know what else....Maybe I'm just meeting serious men ? But they seem flirtacious online...Or it's something in my attitude ?

And I am pretty good-looking and consider myself pretty sexy, so it's not that they have reasons to be like that with me....

Thanks for any insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:00am

I don't see the problem... you're speaking to men about things other than sex so I guess I'm confused as to what the issue is. If you're looking for flirts, then you have to be one as well. But I'll warn you now that the world of online dating is a bit different in some ways than dating without it.


Is the real issue that you're not meeting guys that want to take you out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:44am

Hi,
yes I want them to take me out, but not like serious dating where you do activities, get to know each other and then maybe become exclusive, etc. But when we talk about politics and immigration it doesn`t really put me in a flirting mood and I don`t know how to change the way our conversations go...

I really just want to have fun, so I don`t feel like getting to know them too personnally and I don`t want them to do that either, because I`m still hurt from my previous relationship and I don`t want anyone to get expectations and get dissapointed.

I should probably just avoid this kind of topics, and talk about light things or maybe the guys are just reserved....

What do you mean that the world of online dating is different ? Any advice about that ? :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:58pm

There's a ton of advice to be found on the online dating board. You can get there by clicking on the link in my signature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:45pm
So you want to learn how to flirt? You already know, you just don't know it. The way to not look "easy" is to restrict the number of men you flirt with. When times were better for me, I was usually pretty energetic, friendly and sometimes bubbly. Men have actually thought I was flirting when I was just being friendly (I guess it was their egos). When I am flirting a man will know it and not confuse it for friendliness. Flirting involves tone of voice, body language and conversation. Conversation, as you say, should not necessarily be serious in nature, although some men like a woman with a brain, so be flexible. If he takes you into a serious conversation go there for a while, but...pull him back out of it. The reason I say that is because when a man is getting into a serious conversation his mind is not on kissing you. Flirting entails some light hearted conversation sprinkled with a few genuine compliments, standing just a little too close, touching his body in neutral areas just one or two more times than a platonic touch and direct eye contact. If you consider yourself sexy, that's half the battle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 6:02am
**sighs dejectedly** That sounds so hard!! I'd much rather discuss the politics of Canadian Immigration. (I'm Canadian myself). I'm totally lame at flirting so this post sparked my interest. I'm in the same boat as the woman who started the post except my reason for not wanting a serious relationship isn't a past relationship - I just don't have time! (graduate student here). I wish I could just practice on random guys but then I'd get labeled as a slut.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 6:43am
Why would you be labeled a slut if you're just flirting? I'm a huge flirt and never have I been told that I am a slut. Where does flirt == slut?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:09am

Hey cutiepy82, don't feel so glum. It's yours for the picking, if you want it. If you like discussing politics and the other person also likes it or has some kind of interest in it, then you can use that conversation to start feeling comfortable with the person. From my past experiences it is all about feeling comfortable with yourself first, before you can ease into flirting or demonstrating with non verbal communication that you are interested in the person.

As far as practicing on others I wouldn't do that unless you have an interest in the person, because you would not be branded a slut, more like a tease or a head game person. I knew a man who did this all the time (flirting with women with whom he wasn't genuinely interested in) and eventually he became "bad news" to women because he sparked emotions in alot of women who were confused and disappointed later when he said, "I don't know what you are talking about, I like you as a friend, but that's it".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:52pm

Thanks,
that`s the advice I was looking for. :) I tend to let the other person lead the conversation and I wasn`t sure if switching from serious to light subjects will make them lose interest or what.

Actually the guy who talked to me about politics seems to want to get physical, but he only communicated that through msn messanger !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:16pm
Well, you can't talk about only one thing because that will get boring. A nice way of changing conversation is to ask the guy questions either about himself or about other topics. This way it will feel more natural to you, especially if you are hesitant to take the lead in a conversation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 3:15pm

Talk to them like you would to anyone you're chatting with - don't think of it as a"date" but as a conversation you're having- day's events, something funny that struck you, a commonality you both have, etc


In otherwords, try to take the pressure off. It's not like you want a relationship anyway, you're flexing your social skills muscles

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