how do I end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
how do I end it?
11
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 2:50pm
I was in a relationship with a man for 18 months. As a couple we got along fine, but when it came to sharing personal space, he didn't like to. I am divorced with 3 children, he is divorced with one child. We met online and we first started talking and dating everything seemed wonderful. We were going to take the kids camping, hiking, to amusement parks.... the traditional family things. Well, for one reason or another, everytime I tried to arrange an outing he was too busy. We continued to see each other, but it was mostly when the children were not around. This began to bother me and I started bringing it up in conversations. He took this as becoming pushy and started backing off. He backed off to the point of not wanting to see me anymore. He needed his space. I was devastated at first, even begged him to take me back and that I would change and not push so much. For a couple of months after the break up, we saw each other occasionally, mostly for sex. I finally put an end to it, and told him that I couldn't do it anymore. I thought it might bring us back together. Of course it didn't.........why buy the cow when you get the milk for free. After that we would still email occasionally. I started to look into dating again. I put an ad up on a personal site, the same one we met on. Well, he saw my ad and decided that he wanted me back again. I took my ad off at his suggestion and we have seen each other occasionally (not sexually). He now wants everything that we wanted in the beginning, he misses me and the kids and wants to settle down. In seeing him again, I don't think I want a relationship with him any longer. I don't know how to end it. He will stop at my house while I'm not there and leave roses for me, he will send romantic and sappy emails..........things he never did when we were together. Everytime I try to let him know that I am no longer interested, he starts crying and apologizing and saying he doesn't want to live without me. This is putting tremendous pressure on me and I want to end it, but don't have the heart to hurt him. I would love to move on with my life but I can't seem to end this part of it.

What do I do?

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Avatar for suzy_corgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 3:04pm


Just end it, you will feel a lot better. You won't be put through the emotional rollercoaster that he is putting you through. Right now things are peachy,but believe me, things will go back to how they were. By getting back with him you are giving him the control over the relationship. Be strong and take control over your happiness, end it and end it before things get ugly. I have been through a similar experience, and I ended it, I am A LOT happier than I was when I was with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 5:03pm

Well, I'm a great one for giving advice on how to break up (lol).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:53pm
I am also not the best at relationship ending advice. I'll tell you a bit though that may help you decide what to do.

I also was in a situation just like this. I needed to end it and I knew it. But the thought of hurting him, and what kind of pain he would have, stopped me every time I thought I could do it.

This went on for a year. I finally got the nerve, because I knew that I wasn't happy, and this was not going anywhere positive at all. When I did it, I did it in person, because I had to give him that much. He cried, he walked around in circles stating what a tragedy it was, he begged me to think about it. But I was firm, even though I was scared to death and hurt because I had hurt him.

2 MONTHS after this happened, he had a new girlfriend. I am happier than I have been in ages, and we have both moved on.

When it seems like you can't end it because of HIS feelings, think of yours first, and then think of how much more it will hurt him, the longer you drag it out. Give him his freedom whether he wants it or not, and after a bit, time heals, and you will wish you had done it sooner. Everyone has different lives, I can't say this is the perfect choice for you, but I hope knowing others have the same experiences will help you to make a choice you need to make for your own life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 8:48am
Thank you both for your advice. I know that I need to do it soon. I hate the fact that we're in limbo, but I don't look forward to the reaction that I will get either. I'm not sure how, but I will end it this weekend, I have to. He lives an hour away from me, so face to face would not be a good idea. I don't want to think about him crying and driving. EMail would be too cold........... I think I'll call him..........Do you see what I mean?!?!? Too much to worry about.........I need to be firm and do it. Right?!?!? Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

Thank you again for listening and for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:09am
I know it is hard, hard, hard. And the fear of what you are going to feel is really what is keeping you from moving forward. You don't want to hear or see him upset, because that upsets you. I understand like you wouldn't believe. Keep your head up. Grab all the strength you can.

Remember that many many couples go through this daily. You are not alone, and you have my thoughts with you.

Email is too cold, and no, you don't want him to drive feeling sad.

So, calling is the best for you, and you should do it. The one comforting thing about the phone is that you don't have to have the eye to eye contact that can make it even more difficult to go through with it.

Always remember that your life is what you make it. If this isn't what you want, life is too short and you need to get to a place where you are happy and comfortable. Only you can make that first move to getting on with your life and making yourself happy.

Good luck, please keep me posted.

sarahv
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 9:36am
Go to him, break up.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 10:44am
Thanks to all of these messages, I feel like I have support and can actually do this. I agree that the situation may go back to the way it was before, that's my biggest fear. In fact it's a repeat of my marriage/divorce. I need to get my strength and handle this, the sooner the better. I want my confidence and self-esteem back!!

My best friend is in Missouri with her husband who just underwent a double lung transplant, I didn't want to call her with this, my problem pales in comparison to the situation she is in. This message board is great and you women are wonderful!!

Thank you all for your wonderful advice.

Keep your fingers crossed!!

Avatar for suzy_corgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:13pm
You are welcome! Keep your head up and live life with courage and strength. You are your own happiness, so live it. Have a nice day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 8:44am
Well.............I did it.......last night. Of course I'm the one crying this morning. I'm relieved, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm stressed..................what a mess!!! They need more emoticons!! LOL

I would like to thank you all again for giving me advice and for giving me strength to do this. I will have fond memories of the relationship, but it's time to move on.

Best wishes to you all and I hope that you all find the love and happiness you deserve (if you haven't already found it).

Thanks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:57pm
Girl, I understand!!! He see's that you are moving on and he does not like that. Maybe he realized what he had.....and a little too late. You can not change the way your heart feels for someone. It is a natural emotion. If you do not have interests in him now any more, you have to tell him or he will drive you insne. After someone gets pushed away so many times, that person gives up trying for that one thing. Feelings and emotions change and the outlook on what you "had" and could have will totally change. There are millions and millions of fish in the sea, why stick with one that you are not happy with?! I know it is hard to hurt someone, but sometimes that is what has to be done, to make yourself happpy! Good luck!!

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