how do I get him to propose faster? My time is ticking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
how do I get him to propose faster? My time is ticking!
18
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:36pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year & 4 months.  Totally in love.  We have no issues, no arguements. No doubt in my mind we are meant to be.  here's the thing.  I am 38 and he's 30.  I pretty much wasted 7 years of my life before I met this man in an abusive relationship, and waiting for him to desire to marry me and have children. HE was divorced and when I met him, he was set on no more kids/marriage, but I waited and thought he'd change his mind! 7 years later I finally left him.  Anyway, so I meet my man now and he is the opposite of the ex. Wonderful in every way.  I love his family and everyone around us constantly comments how happy we look etc.  Here's the thing. it took him a while to even call me his gf. He was nervous about getting involved bc of his ex and a bad breakup. But after 5 months, he said I was his gf and shortly after was first to say he loved me.  Ever since, it's been like a fairy tale love story for me.  Except... i would like him to propose sometime soon and I feel bc of his age, he may take his sweet old time! I would also like children! Last week, I asked him formally (Assumed he did all along) if he'd like marriage and a family and he said yes, that he just didnt know when. I asked if he was unsure about US and he said no.  He just doesn't know when.  I dropped the subject.  ANyway, I feel depressed often wondering why he has not proposed yet if we are completely in love, nor has he asked me to move in.  When I brought up moving in a few months ago, he said he thinks about the future but that we hadn't been together long enough for that etc.  bottom line is he just is not ready. He wants it, but just not now. I can wait just a little longer but my question is, how do I try to push him along without pressuring him??  When does a man decide he is ready?  I feel depressed that no man has ever propsed to me! I feel like something is wrong with me.  I see others getting engaged and some are losers etc and here I am, a good woman and he won't propose and act on it.  I know he is cautious but I'm extrememly worried I will be waiting around forever and I only have a short time to have a baby left, if any.  His family and friends keep briging it up to us (asking when we are getting married) to that he will just laugh and be awkward.  It seems like something that makes him very nervous.  I also should add that he never goes out with friends and we spend every single wkend together.  He's not one of the types that has to have his boys nights out etc. Do I have reason to worry or will he come around some day soon? Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I can see how you are in a dilemma because of your age and getting nervous about having children.  If you were 30, I'd tell you to completely chill out.  On the other hand, you can't make someone rush into marriage & expect it to work out if the other person is not sure.  You already did what I suggested and talked about his goals in life and so he knows that you want marriage & children. You also know that he sees the 2 of you together.  I don't think you can really do anything else.  I was married twice (and divorce twice, so I don't know if this is the shining example of what to do) but both times we dated for more than 2 yrs before getting married.  If you really love this guy, then you will have to consider his needs as well and he is just not ready to make a decision.  There's no guarantee that you will get married & be able to have children, but if you break up with him because he's not deciding on your timeline, then you'll be single, have to look around for another man, maybe not find someone that you love and still not have children.  My personal opinion is that if you really want to get married, don't move in with him unless you are engaged and have a time when you are getting married.  I think too many guys who are kind of marriage shy will agree to moving in cause they do want to keep the relationship w/ the woman but once they are living together, there's really no incentive for the man to get married--why should he change the good thing he has going on?  If he wants you around full time then he needs to marry you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

Thanks for the advice. Yea I agree with you. I think my plan will be to not move in until he proposes or we at least decide on getting engaged within the year.  His lease is up this Jan. so I am hoping by then we can have the discussion.  I feel that he is unsure mostly about his responsiblities and worried about handling the new responsiblities that come with marriage and a baby.  He's more mature than most of his friends. None of them are really married, but a few have babies.  The thing that worries me is my age, and I don't want to push him away but constantly bringing it up either, but I hope he understands the problems that can arise with a woman's age and becoming pregnant etc. I'm pretty sure his sisters and mom have mentioned it to him, and commented that he'd need to get a move on it.  I know how hard it is to meet a good man. I feel very lucky to have met such an amazing man, so I don't plan to leave him. I mean, I told him straight out it is in my plan to get married and have a baby, so that if it was not in his plan, I would want to know now.. That's when he said it is in his plan but just doesnt know when.  I guess I just have to wait, but worries me a ton :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

Thanks for the advice. Yea I agree with you. I think my plan will be to not move in until he proposes or we at least decide on getting engaged within the year.  His lease is up this Jan. so I am hoping by then we can have the discussion.  I feel that he is unsure mostly about his responsiblities and worried about handling the new responsiblities that come with marriage and a baby.  He's more mature than most of his friends. None of them are really married, but a few have babies.  The thing that worries me is my age, and I don't want to push him away but constantly bringing it up either, but I hope he understands the problems that can arise with a woman's age and becoming pregnant etc. I'm pretty sure his sisters and mom have mentioned it to him, and commented that he'd need to get a move on it.  I know how hard it is to meet a good man. I feel very lucky to have met such an amazing man, so I don't plan to leave him. I mean, I told him straight out it is in my plan to get married and have a baby, so that if it was not in his plan, I would want to know now.. That's when he said it is in his plan but just doesnt know when.  I guess I just have to wait, but worries me a ton :(

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njrungirl wrote:
<p>I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year &amp; 4 months.  Totally in love.  We have no issues, no arguements. No doubt in my mind we are meant to be.  here's the thing.  I am 38 and he's 30.  I pretty much wasted 7 years of my life before I met this man in an abusive relationship, and waiting for him to desire to marry me and have children. HE was divorced and when I met him, he was set on no more kids/marriage, but I waited and thought he'd change his mind! 7 years later I finally left him.  Anyway, so I meet my man now and he is the opposite of the ex. Wonderful in every way.  I love his family and everyone around us constantly comments how happy we look etc.  Here's the thing. it took him a while to even call me his gf. He was nervous about getting involved bc of his ex and a bad breakup. But after 5 months, he said I was his gf and shortly after was first to say he loved me.  Ever since, it's been like a fairy tale love story for me.  Except... i would like him to propose sometime soon and I feel bc of his age, he may take his sweet old time! I would also like children! Last week, I asked him formally (Assumed he did all along) if he'd like marriage and a family and he said yes, that he just didnt know when. I asked if he was unsure about US and he said no.  He just doesn't know when.  I dropped the subject.  ANyway, I feel depressed often wondering why he has not proposed yet if we are completely in love, nor has he asked me to move in.  When I brought up moving in a few months ago, he said he thinks about the future but that we hadn't been together long enough for that etc.  bottom line is he just is not ready. He wants it, but just not now. I can wait just a little longer but my question is, how do I try to push him along without pressuring him??  When does a man decide he is ready?  I feel depressed that no man has ever propsed to me! I feel like something is wrong with me.  I see others getting engaged and some are losers etc and here I am, a good woman and he won't propose and act on it.  I know he is cautious but I'm extrememly worried I will be waiting around forever and I only have a short time to have a baby left, if any.  His family and friends keep briging it up to us (asking when we are getting married) to that he will just laugh and be awkward.  It seems like something that makes him very nervous.  I also should add that he never goes out with friends and we spend every single wkend together.  He's not one of the types that has to have his boys nights out etc. Do I have reason to worry or will he come around some day soon? Thanks</p>

I think that you dropped the ball when you dropped the subject.  The rest of that conversation should have been "Marriage is a goal for me and I don't want to spend too much time in a relationship that is not going in that direction at all.  Two years is enough time that I feel that two adults need to arrive at the conclusion that marriage will be a goal.  I don't think it's fair to spend more time than that in a relationship going nowhere." 

Which means that within the next 10 months, if a proposal from him is not on the table that you stop being exclusive with him and start dating other men and start putting distance between you and him. If he is telling you that he is not ready, then there is no need for you to be exclusive with him.  There is no reason for you, if marriage is important to you, to not begin looking for the man who wants marriage on your timetable. 

Of course you tell him this because what it looks like is that he is quite fine with how things are without having any kind of plan to move forward: like marriage and children.  Don't move in with him or else you truly will never get to the altar on your timetable... he will get all the benefits of a wife without making a legal declaration for you.  A guy who is resistant to marriage without you living with him is prone to be even more resistant to it once you're in his space.

You need to be prepared to look out for what you want without this guy coming along for the ride.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njrungirl wrote:
<p>Thanks for the advice. Yea I agree with you. I think my plan will be to not move in until he proposes or we at least decide on getting engaged within the year.  His lease is up this Jan. so I am hoping by then we can have the discussion.  I feel that he is unsure mostly about his responsiblities and worried about handling the new responsiblities that come with marriage and a baby.  He's more mature than most of his friends. None of them are really married, but a few have babies.  The thing that worries me is my age, and I don't want to push him away but constantly bringing it up either, but I hope he understands the problems that can arise with a woman's age and becoming pregnant etc. I'm pretty sure his sisters and mom have mentioned it to him, and commented that he'd need to get a move on it.  I know how hard it is to meet a good man. I feel very lucky to have met such an amazing man, so I don't plan to leave him. I mean, I told him straight out it is in my plan to get married and have a baby, so that if it was not in his plan, I would want to know now.. That's when he said it is in his plan but just doesnt know when.  I guess I just have to wait, but worries me a ton :(</p>

Time is on his side. He's got 8+ years to wait... you don't.

Despite how wonderful he is, he's not pressed to create babies or marry.  His mother and sisters cannot force him to make a decision he is not interested in making just because childbearing could become more difficult for you due to your age.

A good man is a man who after 16 months of dating you exclusively, sees the wisdom in marrying you and creating his family with you, not stringing you along for however many more years that are on his side. Trust me, he knows today, right now, that he either does or doesn't want to marry, or more to the point: marry you. 

If, as you say, it's in his plan, then what exactly is his plan?  What is impeding the progress of his plan and how does he plan on vanquishing the impediment?  I really don't think time is a luxury for you that you can wait til he knows when.  Your life matters, too, and if his plans are what's causing you to put your life plans on hold and he's in no rush to discuss how he's going to execute his plans, then you need to think real long and real hard about whether or not you're fine with being 46 yrs old with no children and no marriage.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njrungirl wrote:
<p>Thanks for the advice. Yea I agree with you. I think my plan will be to not move in until he proposes or we at least decide on getting engaged within the year.  His lease is up this Jan. so I am hoping by then we can have the discussion.  I feel that he is unsure mostly about his responsiblities and worried about handling the new responsiblities that come with marriage and a baby.  He's more mature than most of his friends. None of them are really married, but a few have babies.  The thing that worries me is my age, and I don't want to push him away but constantly bringing it up either, but I hope he understands the problems that can arise with a woman's age and becoming pregnant etc. I'm pretty sure his sisters and mom have mentioned it to him, and commented that he'd need to get a move on it.  I know how hard it is to meet a good man. I feel very lucky to have met such an amazing man, so I don't plan to leave him. I mean, I told him straight out it is in my plan to get married and have a baby, so that if it was not in his plan, I would want to know now.. That's when he said it is in his plan but just doesnt know when.  I guess I just have to wait, but worries me a ton :(</p>

Time is on his side. He's got 8+ years to wait... you don't.

Despite how wonderful he is, he's not pressed to create babies or marry.  His mother and sisters cannot force him to make a decision he is not interested in making just because childbearing could become more difficult for you due to your age.

A good man is a man who after 16 months of dating you exclusively, sees the wisdom in marrying you and creating his family with you, not stringing you along for however many more years that are on his side. Trust me, he knows today, right now, that he either does or doesn't want to marry, or more to the point: marry you. 

If, as you say, it's in his plan, then what exactly is his plan?  What is impeding the progress of his plan and how does he plan on vanquishing the impediment?  I really don't think time is a luxury for you that you can wait til he knows when.  Your life matters, too, and if his plans are what's causing you to put your life plans on hold and he's in no rush to discuss how he's going to execute his plans, then you need to think real long and real hard about whether or not you're fine with being 46 yrs old with no children and no marriage.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Let me enlighten you.  You are not ready for the hard work of a relationship.  Your writing shows immaturity.  Relationships are not a notch on your to do list.  Relationships are ongoing changing adapting.  If you reason is you want to breed have artificial insemination.  That is the fair way as you will not be ripping some guy off for you pleasure.   What others do is not a reason.  If it is so important you ask him.  If you cannot do that then you can wait or find someone desperate to marry.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

Let me enlighten you, @Xxxs (user above.)  First of all, who are you to judge, based on a question I typed in a rush on my phone on here that I'm "immature and not ready for the hard work of a relationship?"  What horrible advice.  You have NO idea what I have been through (an abusive relationship with very HARD work for 7 years) I deserve the best and I deserve to have my dream, which I might add is a dream of MANY women/men (to have a happy family and spouse!)  I am not USING my boyfriend or "ripping him off" as you say. I love this man deeply! We are best friends and have a very healthy relationship.  I did ask him what he wants, as I posted in my first post.  He said he does want it.  You really just pissed me off.  Here I am saying that I am upset over this and you act as if I'm "desparate" and using my boyfriend.  How old are you, by the way???  I see you are the "community leader?"  Geeez!  A "notch on my to-do list??? How about a dream that one has to raise a family with the man they love dearly?? Is that so abnormal. You're an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

My guess is that the user above is a male and got screwed in a divorce but a woman, so now he is bitter. Just sayin...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

and i should not judge. maybe you aren't an idiot but your comment sure was idiotic

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