how do I get him to propose faster? My time is ticking!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
how do I get him to propose faster? My time is ticking!
18
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 7:36pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year & 4 months.  Totally in love.  We have no issues, no arguements. No doubt in my mind we are meant to be.  here's the thing.  I am 38 and he's 30.  I pretty much wasted 7 years of my life before I met this man in an abusive relationship, and waiting for him to desire to marry me and have children. HE was divorced and when I met him, he was set on no more kids/marriage, but I waited and thought he'd change his mind! 7 years later I finally left him.  Anyway, so I meet my man now and he is the opposite of the ex. Wonderful in every way.  I love his family and everyone around us constantly comments how happy we look etc.  Here's the thing. it took him a while to even call me his gf. He was nervous about getting involved bc of his ex and a bad breakup. But after 5 months, he said I was his gf and shortly after was first to say he loved me.  Ever since, it's been like a fairy tale love story for me.  Except... i would like him to propose sometime soon and I feel bc of his age, he may take his sweet old time! I would also like children! Last week, I asked him formally (Assumed he did all along) if he'd like marriage and a family and he said yes, that he just didnt know when. I asked if he was unsure about US and he said no.  He just doesn't know when.  I dropped the subject.  ANyway, I feel depressed often wondering why he has not proposed yet if we are completely in love, nor has he asked me to move in.  When I brought up moving in a few months ago, he said he thinks about the future but that we hadn't been together long enough for that etc.  bottom line is he just is not ready. He wants it, but just not now. I can wait just a little longer but my question is, how do I try to push him along without pressuring him??  When does a man decide he is ready?  I feel depressed that no man has ever propsed to me! I feel like something is wrong with me.  I see others getting engaged and some are losers etc and here I am, a good woman and he won't propose and act on it.  I know he is cautious but I'm extrememly worried I will be waiting around forever and I only have a short time to have a baby left, if any.  His family and friends keep briging it up to us (asking when we are getting married) to that he will just laugh and be awkward.  It seems like something that makes him very nervous.  I also should add that he never goes out with friends and we spend every single wkend together.  He's not one of the types that has to have his boys nights out etc. Do I have reason to worry or will he come around some day soon? Thanks

Pages

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njrungirl wrote:
<p>Let me enlighten you, @Xxxs (user above.)  First of all, who are you to judge, based on a question I typed in a rush on my phone on here that I'm "immature and not ready for the hard work of a relationship?"  What horrible advice.  You have NO idea what I have been through (an abusive relationship with very HARD work for 7 years) I deserve the best and I deserve to have my dream, which I might add is a dream of MANY women/men (to have a happy family and spouse!)  I am not USING my boyfriend or "ripping him off" as you say. I love this man deeply! We are best friends and have a very healthy relationship.  I did ask him what he wants, as I posted in my first post.  He said he does want it.  You really just pissed me off.  Here I am saying that I am upset over this and you act as if I'm "desparate" and using my boyfriend.  How old are you, by the way???  I see you are the "community leader?"  Geeez!  A "notch on my to-do list??? How about a dream that one has to raise a family with the man they love dearly?? Is that so abnormal. You're an idiot.</p>

The beauty of public message boards is that you are going to get input from a myriad of sources, especially when you ask for advice about sensitive issues in your life.  No one here owes you what you want to hear--that's what your bff's and female relatives are for.

While I don't always agree with what Xxxs says a lot of times, somewhere in his answer is usually found a kernal of truth--otherwise, what he said would not have gotten such a violent rise out of you.  And sometimes on these heavily skewed to the female point of view boards, an un-sugarcoated male perspective is valuable.

Now, with regards to your guy--as I said, you are going to have to determine if your guy is so much "all that" that you are willing to wait for an undetermined length of time, childless and single, til he figures out what he needs to do to get to the place where he is ready to pop the question and take on your life agenda.  Being 38, it's not like you are his age and have 8-10 years to make up your mind.  If he feels that he needs at least 5-10 years to get to where he's ready to put his neck in that yoke, then are you ok with being single and childless at 43-48 yrs?

Basically, what you want to know is "how do I make him want what I want when I want it?"  The short answer is: you can't.  You can't manipulate him into wanting what you want. All you can do is trust yourself and your ability to know and act in your best interests despite there being a man in the equation.

He has to want to come to this decision of his own volition, not because of pressure from your biological clock or your "dreams"... otherwise, resentment and bitterness will land and take root and slowly over the years poison your relationship with him.

If he is not ready to give you the level of commitment, today, that you are seeking, then you need to begin thinking about rescinding the exclusivity you have with him and get back out dating other men and finding a man who is ready right now for marriage and family--if that is what you truly want.  Because if what you want is this guy, then you already have what you want.  No document and no children are going to change that. There is no need to marry him or worry him or yourself about children.  If, however, children are your goal and your guy doesn't want them, then as Xxxs said, you can get artificial insemination and accomplish that goal.  If you want your guy's children, then you are going to have to be ok with waiting however many years until he makes up his mind one way or the other--IOW stop your biological clock and do without children and marriage for the time being.

At the end of the day, you cannot force him to propose or marry you soon, which was your original question. You cannot make a grown man do/say/want/think/be anything he's not or doesn't want to do/say/want/think. You cannot control him.  Period.  His mother and sisters cannot control him so leave them out of any relationship discussion.   The only thing you can do is control your actions: to wit: rescinding the exclusivity and enter back into the dating scene if being with a man who wants marriage and children by the end of the year is on his agenda.  Your guy will either open a can of "act right" and snap to it or he will be fine with letting you go marry and make babies elsewhere.

You can be satisfied with who you have right now, today, and are quiet and content in that or you realise that you really don't have a fairy tale with a great guy, but you're going along to get along til you get what you want---question then becomes: will you be bitter and resentful when the day finally arrives and it's too late for you to have children because you put your life on hold waiting on him?

You may be at a crossroads here and which ever path you take; at the end of it, you will be the only one to blame if the direction takes you further away from what it is you say you want.  Certainly not him because he's telling you today what path he intends upon taking for the time being and it isn't towards what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

While I agree with what you say in your post above, I have one worry about all of that.  It's easier said than done to meet a wonderful, single man who wants children and a family asap at my age.  I'm attractive, fit, smart all of that, but it's not THAT easy to meet a man these days, or a worthy, wonderful man, as wonderful as the man I am with.  I dated all my life, wasted 7 years with an abusive man, and now I am beyond appreciative of the man I have found. He's a one of a kind.  Everyone in my life loves him and says how great he is.  leaving him right now be a huge risk.  A risk of being single and trying to find someone who lives up to him and all his great traits.  It's tough out there to meet someone good.  At my age, men are either divorced with children and don't want any more, single and not that great, or younger like my man now.  As I said, he said he DOES want a family and marriage.  He just said he is not sure, but all of his friends have mentioned to me that I have "no need to worry about that bc it'll happen" and that they have never seen him happier in his life with any woman.  I am fairly certain that it will happen at some point but my question is , are there ways to help a man move along more quickly and express to him my biological clock is ticking which maybe he doesnt understand truly how important that is etc... But from the posts , i can see that most of the posters say that I cannot do anything to help him along and prospose in a timly fashion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004

Also, what made me so mad about the XXXs poster above's comment, was not his advice about what I should do (walk away, wait etc) but more so his judgements that I am basically using my boyfriend to achieve my dreams of having a family with him.  It definitely sounded to me a like a bitter divorced man writing (I did not even know it was definitely a man until you said it was)  He probably is bitter bc he has to pay allimony (my ex was divorced and made such bitter comments about women, in general).  I would say MOST people in this world would like a family and husband/wife/children.  So his comments about me just "checking off something on my to-do list" is crazy!!!! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

You are right about it being hard to find a man who is great.  Also men in their late 20's/early 30's are usually the ones who are thinking about settling down & having kids.  Men around 40, as you said, might already have kids, be divorced, not want to get married again and then the younger men are frequently not interested in marrying an older woman.  So I guess it's a dilemma that you really have to think about--even though you want children, in order to keep this man, would you give up your dream of having kids because you really love him & don't think you could find someone that great?  It's just bad luck but it happens sometimes that people meet later in life & dont' get the opportunity to have kids.  Or some people marry young & want kids but then for biological reasons, find out that they can't have them.  

I just think you have to be honest here & focus on having children because it's not like you have a deadline where you have to get married.  I think you should tell him that you are worried because women's fertility decreases with age and birth defects increase, so you really want to have a child by X age and you are worried that he won't be on board with it by then.  And if this is how you feel, you could also say that you are uncomfortable or unwilling to have a child with someone you aren't married to--that's how I would feel cause believe me, having kids together is really the life long commitment--you can get divorced & if you don't have kids, you never have to see that person again, but whether you are married or not, if you have kids with someone, they will be in your life forever.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

njrungirl wrote:
<p>While I agree with what you say in your post above, I have one worry about all of that.  It's easier said than done to meet a wonderful, single man who wants children and a family asap at my age.  I'm attractive, fit, smart all of that, but it's not THAT easy to meet a man these days, or a worthy, wonderful man, as wonderful as the man I am with.  I dated all my life, wasted 7 years with an abusive man, and now I am beyond appreciative of the man I have found. He's a one of a kind.  Everyone in my life loves him and says how great he is.  leaving him right now be a huge risk.  A risk of being single and trying to find someone who lives up to him and all his great traits.  It's tough out there to meet someone good.  At my age, men are either divorced with children and don't want any more, single and not that great, or younger like my man now.  As I said, he said he DOES want a family and marriage.  He just said he is not sure, but all of his friends have mentioned to me that I have "no need to worry about that bc it'll happen" and that they have never seen him happier in his life with any woman.  I am fairly certain that it will happen at some point but my question is , are there ways to help a man move along more quickly and express to him my biological clock is ticking which maybe he doesnt understand truly how important that is etc... But from the posts , i can see that most of the posters say that I cannot do anything to help him along and prospose in a timly fashion.</p>

No. You cannot move him along more quickly.  You have to accept his timeframe if you want to marry that particular man. 

Just know: he will resist any attempt by you to manipulate, force, push along or coerce him into making a decision like that before he is ready in his mind to do so. 

Your ability (or inability) to wait on him and be patient has the potential to turn your relationship into a power struggle if you cannot cool your jets.  That is why I say that even though he's all "wonderful", etc., if you cannot accept his timeframe, then you need to back off of exclusivity and keep dating til either he gets a clue to get off his duff before he loses you or he does in fact lose you to a guy who wants what you want.

And him saying he does want a family and marriage is all well and good: does he want it with YOU and does he want it within the next 18 months?  Because, really, that is what you want to know.  If his answer is "no", then you're going to have find out if you are ok being single and childless until you're well into your 40's, because you will not be able to bring this topic back up with him without it becoming a mauvais sujet between you two.  You will have to then wait on him putting the proposal to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Yes, I have to agree with the consensus. You can't make him marry you. He will either be up to it or not. IMO, dating/sleeping together for over a year gives more than adequate information about whether to marry somebody. He also isn't so young himself and should be ready for marriage. I'd give him another year to be ready to marry, since people do need differing amounts of time. However, if he isn't ready at that point to make wedding plans, then cut him loose so you can find someone else who is ready to commit.

There are indeed  men out there ready to commit for the right woman. At age 43, in January, 2007, I essentially proposed to my wife, who is 9 months younger than me, our first weekend together. We didn't waste any time to wed. We have now been happily married for 6 years. By contrast, I previously had a girlfriend for over 7 years who couldn't ever make up her mind about marriage. There are no guarantees in life, but not wasting time on dead ends is crucial.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2014

I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex wife 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when she broke up with me, I was not myself again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine frank told me about a spell caster who helped him in the same problem too his name is Dr ALEX. I email Dr Alex the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my wife gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have her back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr ALEX for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is (solutionhelpcentre@gmail.com) you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2014

I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex wife 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when she broke up with me, I was not myself again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine frank told me about a spell caster who helped him in the same problem too his name is Dr ALEX. I email Dr Alex the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my wife gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have her back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr ALEX for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is (solutionhelpcentre@gmail.com) you are the best among all the spell caster online I hope you see my testimonies and also pray for my family too..

Pages