How do I handle this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
How do I handle this???
16
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:56pm

Hi everyone. I apologize in advance for this being such a long post, but I really need help and I want to make sure I explain everything clearly. About 8 months ago, I met someone on a internet dating site, and we hit it off quite well. We were both very physically attracted to each other and also become fast friends, genuinely enjoying each other's company. We saw each other as much as we could. We had a sexual relationship but also spent a lot of time doing typical dating activities as well. We would also spend hours talking on the phone about anything and everything. All in all, it was a very comforable existence, but it bothered me that it had no real "definition". We seemed like very close friends, but more than that because friends don't usually have sex with one another. "Using each other for sex" really doesn't come to mind, because that was definitely not the main part of the relationship, it was kind of just there, along with everything else. Well, I really wanted to know where we stood after a while. When I would see other people it felt weird because it felt like I was cheating, but since we never made any kind of declaration of committment to one another, it really wasn't (He wasn't seeing anyone else, in fact I knew for a fact he was 100% single.) Neither one of us brought it up, I kept waiting and waiting, finally I asked, So where do we stand, What are we to one another??? He said he didn't want a relationship in the traditional sense (still not quite sure what that meant) but he didn't want me seeing anyone else, though. This didn't feel fair to me...we ended up just kind of losing touch.

Ok, six months went by...we happened to run into each other again on the same internet dating site. I contacted him, not expecting a response, he got back to me right away and was very happy to hear from me. We got together soon after that, and have been seeing each other again. We had both gone out on a few dates with other people since we had seen each other, but nothing serious. We both know the other is looking for someone to be with, not necessarily get married, but just one person to be with. We were talking about dating and how annoying it is, and I felt like screaming, So why don't we agree to just see each other, and be done with the dating game, for however long it last?! But now I am afraid to say anything, because it didn't go over too well last time. When he mentions dating and I try to tell him about my recent experiences, he gets an uncomfortable look on his face and drops the subject, even though I only mention it when HE brings it up, never any other time. Once again, we have an awesome time together, we get along real well, but we are having sex!!! It is so weird. To see us together, someone would think, gee, those two are great friends...if they could only have seen us going at it half an hour ago...my first thought would normally be, he's using me for sex, but like I said before, that is just a small part of our time together, but there nonetheless, so it makes it strange. If not for that, we just seem like really close friends. So we get along great, we are physical together...why doesn't he just say ok, let's agree to see just each other...we both are getting everything we want from each other, so why is this not progressing??? What is wrong here?! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!!!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:02pm

Ok, this is not rocket science. He told you clearly he does not want a relationship! Period, end of story.

If you are ok with hanging out with no commitment, then I'm sure he'd be happy to do so. He might even be ok with committing to not date other people while the two of you are seeing each other. But if you want it to "progress" to anything more than that--not gonna happen.

He's not using you for sex--he's being totally upfront that he just wants a casual sex and companionship type of relationship. If you want more than that, he's the wrong guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:10pm
Sorry, to me this is "rocket science", or I am just stupid, and I really don't think that is the case (and I came here for help, not to be belittled) I guess it wasn't clear in my previous post...we both DO want to find "one person" and ARE both ready for a relationship at this current point in time...that's what makes this so strange.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:13pm

Sorry, I'm really not trying to belittle you in the least, just make it clear that when a guy says he's not lookig for a relationship, that's exactly what he means so there's no need to be confused.

You wrote in your original post that he *told* you when you asked him about it that he was not looking for a relationship, but here you say that he is. So which is it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:17pm

"He said he didn't want a relationship in the traditional sense." Does he want this to be a monogamous relationship, but with no promise of a "future" or progessing towards something like marriage? That is kind of what it sounds like.

You want this to progress towards a lifetime commitment and he does not express that desire. You can't make him want to commit that way so you may have to let him go again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:29pm
That's what he said when we originally met 8 months ago...now he feels differently. And even then, it was a strange comment, something about not wanting to have to do all the "family" stuff that comes with a relationship. Like I said, I was never quite sure what he meant by that. So that's why it was so weird this time around when him and I were talking about how annoying dating is...he cut me off when I tried to share my experiences since him and I had last seen each other, even though he was the one who had broached the topic. And since we see each other regularly, get along well on all levels, what are we waiting for then? Why not give the bf/gf thing a try? Like I said, I really do feel weird when I see others, and he told me he is not seeing anyone else right now, and I know for a fact he isn't. Between our daily lives plus the amount of time we spend together, neither one of us even has the time to see others. It's hard to explain, I guess. It's like that funny story about the gorilla being in the room, it is so obvious, but how come no one mentions the gorilla??? It turns out everyone is afraid to mention it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:36pm
Snafu2006, you may be onto something here...thank you. He DID talk along those lines last time, now that you mention it. Which is actually fine with me...I just like the idea, at this point in time, of dating one person and taking things from there. He seems to feel the same. Thus, my dilema,lol. It leaves me wondering, do you actually have to make some sort of "declaration" you are not seeing others, or could it be possible some guys just assume it, based on behavior? (Which I think he may have assumed last time we were together.)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:44pm

Ok, if that's the case, when he said that recently (about wanting a relationship), why didn't you take that and run with it and ask him questions about what, exactly, he wants in a relationship to see if the two of you are on the same page? You had a perfect opportunity to do so.

But that's water under the bridge I guess. I'm a take the bull by the horns type of gal, so I would just say to him something like, "you said a couple weeks ago (or whenever) that you're now looking for a relationship. This is what I want in a relationship (and outline what you're looking for), what do you want?" Start a dialogue! Questions and answers, and if you don't understand something he says then ASK more questions until you do! IMO if you've known each other that long and you can't have that kind of honest conversation, that doesn't bode well for any sort of LTR anyway.

I don't see the point of beating around the bush. You're just frustrated and unhappy with the situation so why not get answers to your questions? Even if they are not what you want to hear, at least you will KNOW so you can move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:03pm
Good point, Sheri...I guess part of me is afraid because last time I questioned him it turned into a such a misunderstanding, causing us to be apart. And this time, it was like hey, what were we thinking, wasting all that time being apart?! I think part of me is hoping it will make itself obvious so I don't have to risk questioning it. And our ability to talk about anything IS a strong point for us...I will just have to gather some courage!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:08pm

I don't think it was so much the *asking* that caused the misunderstanding, it was that you didn't continue to discuss things to the point where you understood each other fully. So IMO it was communication issues that caused the problem, not the fact that you asked the question.

And if asking questions really *does* cause something to fall apart, then that just means it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:43pm

Okay good, then you ARE on the same page. When I have been serious (not very often) about men in the past I ask questions. I ask what they are looking for right now from a relationship and specifically from me because I need to know if they are expecting monogamy or not. I like to handle it that way because then it is the guy who states first what he wants at that point in his life and from me. Other than that, flings and summer romance-types don't count and I don't ask because they over before you know it.

"It leaves me wondering, do you actually have to make some sort of "declaration" you are not seeing others, or could it be possible some guys just assume it, based on behavior?" - It is not safe to assume anything, one way or the other. It is important to know if someone you are dating is sleeping with other people for health reasons.

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