How do I handle this???
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:56pm |
Hi everyone. I apologize in advance for this being such a long post, but I really need help and I want to make sure I explain everything clearly. About 8 months ago, I met someone on a internet dating site, and we hit it off quite well. We were both very physically attracted to each other and also become fast friends, genuinely enjoying each other's company. We saw each other as much as we could. We had a sexual relationship but also spent a lot of time doing typical dating activities as well. We would also spend hours talking on the phone about anything and everything. All in all, it was a very comforable existence, but it bothered me that it had no real "definition". We seemed like very close friends, but more than that because friends don't usually have sex with one another. "Using each other for sex" really doesn't come to mind, because that was definitely not the main part of the relationship, it was kind of just there, along with everything else. Well, I really wanted to know where we stood after a while. When I would see other people it felt weird because it felt like I was cheating, but since we never made any kind of declaration of committment to one another, it really wasn't (He wasn't seeing anyone else, in fact I knew for a fact he was 100% single.) Neither one of us brought it up, I kept waiting and waiting, finally I asked, So where do we stand, What are we to one another??? He said he didn't want a relationship in the traditional sense (still not quite sure what that meant) but he didn't want me seeing anyone else, though. This didn't feel fair to me...we ended up just kind of losing touch.
Ok, six months went by...we happened to run into each other again on the same internet dating site. I contacted him, not expecting a response, he got back to me right away and was very happy to hear from me. We got together soon after that, and have been seeing each other again. We had both gone out on a few dates with other people since we had seen each other, but nothing serious. We both know the other is looking for someone to be with, not necessarily get married, but just one person to be with. We were talking about dating and how annoying it is, and I felt like screaming, So why don't we agree to just see each other, and be done with the dating game, for however long it last?! But now I am afraid to say anything, because it didn't go over too well last time. When he mentions dating and I try to tell him about my recent experiences, he gets an uncomfortable look on his face and drops the subject, even though I only mention it when HE brings it up, never any other time. Once again, we have an awesome time together, we get along real well, but we are having sex!!! It is so weird. To see us together, someone would think, gee, those two are great friends...if they could only have seen us going at it half an hour ago...my first thought would normally be, he's using me for sex, but like I said before, that is just a small part of our time together, but there nonetheless, so it makes it strange. If not for that, we just seem like really close friends. So we get along great, we are physical together...why doesn't he just say ok, let's agree to see just each other...we both are getting everything we want from each other, so why is this not progressing??? What is wrong here?! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!!!

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Hi again. That is a very good approach. I never thought to handle it that way; asking a guy what he expects. It is clear and to the point, answers my questions, but in a simple, non-threatening manner (which is a good way to handle a guy, lol).
I totally agree with knowing where you stand for health reasons, etc. I am extremely safe-sex conscious, so yes, it is very important to know if someone you are with is with anyone else, too. As far as a "declaration" goes, I only wondered that because it seems like in the past, including with this guy, they have seemed like, "Hey, wait, you see other people?" like they were shocked even though we had never officially discussed whether we would or would not. That's what led me to wonder if they just assumed it based on behavior.
Thank you again for your help!!! *HUGS*
'..Back in the olden days, a guy would make a declaration asking a woman to be "his girl" '
Nope, not just back in the olden days lol. My bf and I were 33 and 36 when we met over 3 years ago and about 4-5 weeks after we started dating he did actually 'oficially' asked me to be his girlfriend - which I found very sweetly old-fashioned, and generally very sweet all around - I didn't expect it. I never had to think, analyze, agonize or ask myself (or him) questions as to where we were or what we were to each other.
Here's a key challenge for men that applies here. It's centered on the word "equality". Society and culture has evolved to where every person is considered equal regardless of race, religion or gender. Coupled with this is an unspoken requirement to also be Politically Correct in our choice of words and phrases. As men, we have to be extremely careful in our choice of words and actions in order to preserve this context of equality.
However, this isn't good enough as equality applies to everything in life with the exception of dating and relationships. Equality is essentially a benefits related proposition, but there are no direct and measurable benefits for a woman to be an equal in dating and relationships. Women need to be treated as "special" in dating and relationships which is inconsistent with the framework of "equality". From a man's perspective - where does it all start and stop? I've had women tell me that they really dislike the word "girlfriend" as they would rather be recognized as a "partner".
Personally I believe that relationships are to be equality-based and mutually-beneficial. This requires both people to discuss their wants, needs, expectations, goals and priorities related to LIFE, then to determine how a relationship will contribute and add value to that great life. This also requires self-responsibility for both people to ask for what they want. This kind of communication is now required for any relationship.
"I never had to think, analyze, agonize or ask myself (or him) questions as to where we were or what we were to each other." - that is very cool and very much indicates that you guys are a good match.
Spice.man, you strike me as very introspective and deep thinking.
"Women need to be treated as "special" in dating and relationships which is inconsistent with the framework of "equality". From a man's perspective - where does it all start and stop?" - very true spice.man - you are very wise.
"I've had women tell me that they really dislike the word "girlfriend" as they would rather be recognized as a "partner"." - really? I like girlfriend better.
"This requires both people to discuss their wants, needs, expectations, goals and priorities related to LIFE, then to determine how a relationship will contribute and add value to that great life." - so, you suggest that a couple discuss life and what they want out of life first...then determine how or if the relationship contributes and adds to that life? That was how I used to look at relationships. The fact of the matter is, and correct me if I am wrong, the relationship usually takes on the man's life and his dreams and goals and, rarely, does it revolve around the woman's preexisting life. I used to talk about creating a new life together with my two ex husbands and it didn't quite work - it was about "them". So while in theory I agree with your statement, in reality it doesn't quite work that way, or it hasn't worked that way for me.
"This kind of communication is now required for any relationship." - absolutely.
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