How Do I Handle This One?

Avatar for jax71868
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
How Do I Handle This One?
7
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:03am
Hi All,

I'm dealing with some weird mom behavior I need to get off my chest. To make a long story short. My mom due to financial and medical reasons had to move in with my daughter (9 yrs old) and me four years ago and she watches my daughter before and after school, helps around the house, etc. I'm a single-parent - no contact with ex - that's another story. Anyway, I have been dating a wonderful guy I met through my Parents Without Partners group. We have been friends since last year when he joined and started dating in January - and his son (6 yrs old) and my daughter get along fine. Remembering what I have been through with my last relationship, my current boyfriend and I aren't rushing things but I have a feeling he may be the one.

The problem is my mom. She's emphasized from the beginning not to rush things - which we aren't. I keep emphasizing this to her but I don't think she's listening. I just have the feeling that deep down she's fighting to keep me with her - like I would be abandoning her if I do eventually get married. Sometimes she'll refer to my guy as my "boyfriend" very sarchastically which I just blow off. However some of the comments she makes have me thinking she doesn't like him which hurts my feelings very much. When I told her it seems like she doesn't like him, all she said was "I don't know him". This guy is wonderful, very family oriented and knows how much my family means to me. He's good to my daughter and me. Why can't my mom be happy for me? Should I confront my mom about how I'm feeling or just wait and see if she changes her mind if she gets to know my boyfriend a little better. I think she needs to know that even if this guy isn't the one - I do want to get remarried someday.



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:10pm
I feel your mom is being somewhat selfish. She doesn't like this guy, but has no concrete reasons. The fact is probably that she is afraid of you losing you to him, and possibly losing the financial support that she has from living with you. You are entitled to date this guy and marry him if it comes to that. Its not your mom's life, its yours.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:33pm
I have a bit of a different opinion than your first responder. You havent gone into details but obviously for financial and medical reasons, your mom needs to live with you. So shes probably afraid of being homeless if you should remarry.

My opinion? If you get to the stage of discussing a future with this new man, maybe you should consider telling him that your mom is part of the package. This woman gave you life and I believe that when our parents need our help, we as adults should provide it whenever possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 12:43pm
Be careful with that... it can become a very co-dependent relationship in which the mother wants the daughter to support her and her alone. I've seen it happen in my family and the end result is far from pretty...

 

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:05pm
Im not talking about co-dependency. Im talking about a parent who is sick and needs care...as their adult child, I would feel that I had a responsibility there.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:34pm
I'm a little confused...you've only been dating for a couple of months, right? So your mom *doesn't* know him...she couldn't at this point, YOU are just getting to know him yourself!

I'd give this budding relationship a lot more time before wigging out about your mom's reaction! If she's still behaving this way after you've been dating for, say 9-12 months, then it will be time to have a serious talk with her and explain that you need to balance your responsibilities against your need for a personal life, but in the meantime, I wouldn't stress it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:28pm
You just go on with your relationship and your life. Your mother will just have to accept that he is the man in your life. Continue to spend time with each of them and treat them both with respect and with consideration... but you shouldn't have to choose. Perhaps your mom senses how serious you are about this guy, and she could be jealous. She doesn't want to share you or lose you.

And then again, maybe she has a reason for disliking him. Only she can tell you what the reason is. One of my best girlfriends went through the same thing with her mom and her now-husband. In fact, I don't think she likes him to this day... but the couple is happily married.

Finally, I agree that it's premature to worry about marriage. Wait til you've been together a while, and he proposes. Deal with the potential "mother-in-law" situation when it's a reality.

Good luck.

Avatar for jax71868
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 7:21pm
Thanks everyone for your advice. Just to clarify a couple things. My mom takes medication to cope with her condition (tri-geminal neuralgia) so she is pretty independent - it's not a burden to take care of her. When I dated my ex boyfriend and made the mistake of rushing things, the subject of marriage came up and it was decided that mom would stay in the house, my daughter and I would move and I would continue to pay most expenses for her. I suspect that would be the case if this relationship I'm in now comes to this. Anyway, I'll try not to stress about it. I am going to pursue my relationship and see what happens. I'm just a sensitive person and my feelings get hurt because I just want everyone I love to get along with one another. I'm hoping she'll make a better effort to get to know my current boyfriend.