How Do I Handle This One?
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:03am |
I'm dealing with some weird mom behavior I need to get off my chest. To make a long story short. My mom due to financial and medical reasons had to move in with my daughter (9 yrs old) and me four years ago and she watches my daughter before and after school, helps around the house, etc. I'm a single-parent - no contact with ex - that's another story. Anyway, I have been dating a wonderful guy I met through my Parents Without Partners group. We have been friends since last year when he joined and started dating in January - and his son (6 yrs old) and my daughter get along fine. Remembering what I have been through with my last relationship, my current boyfriend and I aren't rushing things but I have a feeling he may be the one.
The problem is my mom. She's emphasized from the beginning not to rush things - which we aren't. I keep emphasizing this to her but I don't think she's listening. I just have the feeling that deep down she's fighting to keep me with her - like I would be abandoning her if I do eventually get married. Sometimes she'll refer to my guy as my "boyfriend" very sarchastically which I just blow off. However some of the comments she makes have me thinking she doesn't like him which hurts my feelings very much. When I told her it seems like she doesn't like him, all she said was "I don't know him". This guy is wonderful, very family oriented and knows how much my family means to me. He's good to my daughter and me. Why can't my mom be happy for me? Should I confront my mom about how I'm feeling or just wait and see if she changes her mind if she gets to know my boyfriend a little better. I think she needs to know that even if this guy isn't the one - I do want to get remarried someday.

My opinion? If you get to the stage of discussing a future with this new man, maybe you should consider telling him that your mom is part of the package. This woman gave you life and I believe that when our parents need our help, we as adults should provide it whenever possible.
I'd give this budding relationship a lot more time before wigging out about your mom's reaction! If she's still behaving this way after you've been dating for, say 9-12 months, then it will be time to have a serious talk with her and explain that you need to balance your responsibilities against your need for a personal life, but in the meantime, I wouldn't stress it.
Sheri
And then again, maybe she has a reason for disliking him. Only she can tell you what the reason is. One of my best girlfriends went through the same thing with her mom and her now-husband. In fact, I don't think she likes him to this day... but the couple is happily married.
Finally, I agree that it's premature to worry about marriage. Wait til you've been together a while, and he proposes. Deal with the potential "mother-in-law" situation when it's a reality.
Good luck.