how do i know he is not "the one"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
how do i know he is not "the one"
5
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:03pm
I was living with my ex boyfriend for three and a half years. I was happy with him most of the time. He was a really good boyfriend. I don't mind having a future with him. We broke up two weeks ago after I was away for a month. I wanted to go through counseling with him because he has a tendency towards violence and saying hurtful things. I told him I did not want to raise children under that environment. I told him that if we did not go, it was over. He chose to not go and just breakup. He said he's ready to be alone and start another relationship since he does not think counseling will solve anything. He says he has been neglected for the past four months (I was working and going to school). I think he is also looking for a "stay at home" mom. While I can be that person, I want to pursue a career and I want to be loved for being my own person, not for cooking or cleaning for him. I see his behavior and needs modeled after his parents..he got his father's temper and the mom is there to serve the family. I know that he loves me a lot and that it is not me he does not want, but just the relationship. I am just having a hard time letting go. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done to make him happier. I want to call him and tell him that I can dedicate more time to him and makek up for the four months I was busy. I also cannot stop myself from thinking that he may have been the one for me to marry and settle down with. How do I stop myself from wanting him and going to him? HOw do you know when it is not meant to be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:20am
jennivz...

YOU have goals....and so does HE! And they don't match.

As much as you may love the man (and perhaps vice versa)....a marriage based on opposite interests would be a horror show for the 2 of you...not to mention any "rugrats" the two of you decided to create!

The negative signals are so clear in your post that "divine intervention" or somebody with a lot of clout has prevented you from making a very bad mistake.

MOVE FORWARD...DON'T LOOK BACK!

Best of luck and warm thoughts from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 10:32am
You know it's not meant to be when the relationship is going to cost you too much. And you are very, very smart. You know that these abusive tendencies are going to get progressively worse and you know that that's not for you nor for your future family life. He's got to acknowledge there's an issue and then be motivated to work on breaking the cycle, but he's not there and he may never be.

Right now it's tough to stick it out, but your instincts about this relationship are good. It's natural to be sad and hurt. You miss him and that's fine. AFter three years, four months of being sad is ok. Give yourself a pat on the back for not going back to him.

About you feeling that it's your fault, if you could have said or done something different, you would still be together. I'm not sure if that's regular sadness or your end of being with someone abusive for so long. But think about it, if HE had accepted your invitation to go to couples then you would be on a path to marriage and family. Why is it all on you? Because you have standards for yourself? He's so not the one for you to settle down with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:54am
You know he's not the one when you start making excuses for his inappropriate behaviour and thinking about what else YOU could have done to make it work. I have the feeling that YOU were the only one putting in the effort here. You don't need someone who is abusive, whether physically or verbally. You have the RIGHT to be treated well, and so do any children you have. Since you said that a career is important, as well as the schooling you are doing now, why would you change that goal? Do what is right FOR YOU. If you were to stay with someone who you change all of YOURSELF for, who would you be?

I believe you are now on the right path and it will take time to heal. Maybe YOU should see a counsellor to help you through this, to understand things a little more. Remember, we can't help those that don't want to help themselves, or acknowledge that there's a problem. He summed up what you meant to him when you asked him to go seek help, he said no- and to me that says, "you don't mean enough for me to WANT this".

You will move forward and you will meet your goals and be happy. And in that time, you will meet someone who has the same goals as you and you will be happy. When you're on the right path, everything just falls in to place. Now figure out what you meant to learn about YOURSELF from this relationship and don't look back.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:26pm
You know he is not the one for all the reasons you listed in your post. He is abusive (violence even if not directed toward you and hurtful comments ARE abuse), he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem and get help and he (as painful as it is) has moved on and told you so. You might love him and he might love you, but if someone is "the one" he does not ask you to give up your dreams and what you want to be with him. And even if he is not specifically asking, he's not "the one" if you feel you have to give that up to be with them. The one will love you and want you just the way you are and want you to pursue your dreams to be happy.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:09pm
It seems that you are settling for less. You say you don't mind having a future with this man, BUT he IS prone to violence and you don't want to raise children in that kind of setting. THAT says it all...are you afraid of meeting other people, that perhaps are better than this man? He's chosen his path of perpetuating his violence behavior and not you or a future with you. Time to move on and go to counseling yourself to discover why are you settling for less.