how do i know he is not "the one"
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how do i know he is not "the one"
| Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:03pm |
I was living with my ex boyfriend for three and a half years. I was happy with him most of the time. He was a really good boyfriend. I don't mind having a future with him. We broke up two weeks ago after I was away for a month. I wanted to go through counseling with him because he has a tendency towards violence and saying hurtful things. I told him I did not want to raise children under that environment. I told him that if we did not go, it was over. He chose to not go and just breakup. He said he's ready to be alone and start another relationship since he does not think counseling will solve anything. He says he has been neglected for the past four months (I was working and going to school). I think he is also looking for a "stay at home" mom. While I can be that person, I want to pursue a career and I want to be loved for being my own person, not for cooking or cleaning for him. I see his behavior and needs modeled after his parents..he got his father's temper and the mom is there to serve the family. I know that he loves me a lot and that it is not me he does not want, but just the relationship. I am just having a hard time letting go. I can't stop thinking about what I could have done to make him happier. I want to call him and tell him that I can dedicate more time to him and makek up for the four months I was busy. I also cannot stop myself from thinking that he may have been the one for me to marry and settle down with. How do I stop myself from wanting him and going to him? HOw do you know when it is not meant to be?

YOU have goals....and so does HE! And they don't match.
As much as you may love the man (and perhaps vice versa)....a marriage based on opposite interests would be a horror show for the 2 of you...not to mention any "rugrats" the two of you decided to create!
The negative signals are so clear in your post that "divine intervention" or somebody with a lot of clout has prevented you from making a very bad mistake.
MOVE FORWARD...DON'T LOOK BACK!
Best of luck and warm thoughts from...
Pianoguy
Right now it's tough to stick it out, but your instincts about this relationship are good. It's natural to be sad and hurt. You miss him and that's fine. AFter three years, four months of being sad is ok. Give yourself a pat on the back for not going back to him.
About you feeling that it's your fault, if you could have said or done something different, you would still be together. I'm not sure if that's regular sadness or your end of being with someone abusive for so long. But think about it, if HE had accepted your invitation to go to couples then you would be on a path to marriage and family. Why is it all on you? Because you have standards for yourself? He's so not the one for you to settle down with.
I believe you are now on the right path and it will take time to heal. Maybe YOU should see a counsellor to help you through this, to understand things a little more. Remember, we can't help those that don't want to help themselves, or acknowledge that there's a problem. He summed up what you meant to him when you asked him to go seek help, he said no- and to me that says, "you don't mean enough for me to WANT this".
You will move forward and you will meet your goals and be happy. And in that time, you will meet someone who has the same goals as you and you will be happy. When you're on the right path, everything just falls in to place. Now figure out what you meant to learn about YOURSELF from this relationship and don't look back.