How do I make "the move" on my friend?
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| Fri, 08-05-2005 - 3:36am |
I'm on the far end of a situation right now.
His sit.: For about 9 months or so, he's been going out with a married woman (who's older than he). He is faithful to her (as he would when dating anyone else). (I also don't know if she is in the process of divorcee yet.) I didn't said anything to him about it (about 2-3 months in, when I found out) because it'll just look like I'm jealous (and uber possessive = scaring him away.) I've known that in the past he's been in some "bad relationships", but this just about takes the cake as far as I've known. (I'm talking bad like, if you looked at it, from the start it looks bad and during it usually doesn't get better.)
My Sit.: We've liked one another for years, but we were never single at the same time. Only recently (within the last two years), we barely came with showing that we like one another and within 2 months before hooking up with the married woman did we actually, physically say that we liked one another. Right now, I'm single and he's dating her. It's getting to the point of where I'm slowly turning jealous because I actually said "I hope they'll break up" and meant it. This is the first time I've ever meant a statement like that.
Before, when he told me, I tried to be supportive and it didn't bother me. But, when I saw him again, that's when I decided that I really did I want to be with him. (P.S. - I would've tried to get together with him after he broke up with his last girlfriend had it not been for him having to go away.)
I'm not sure if the relationship with him and her will work out or not, but if it doesn't work out, then how can I make my move on him without being too forward? I have a very scary warrior libido that just seems to scare men away. Or rather, I can hit on him as hard as any other girl, but only the guys I hit on strongly get scared away; any other woman who would hit on them the same way, they seem to enjoy.
Ideally, I want them to break up. Not because I thought it, but since she holds most of the power in the relationship, then he'll only end up getting hurt and as a friend, I don't want to see him get hurt.
But Ideally, in terms of me, I'd want it so that we can get together and start dating. But, even if he says that a relationship between us won't work, I still then have the chance of having a one night stand with him (I have asked him about a one night stand and he didn't disagree to it. But, I've also told him not to wait too long to try to take up on my offer). I really like him and don't care about what I have to put up with while dating him. And, even though I wish for a lasting relationship, if dating one another just so happens to end within 2 hours, then let it be so.
I don't know how I'm going to deal with all this, but once he's single, I want to know how not to chase him away. I really want to be with him. Can somebody help me?
Edited 8/5/2005 3:43 am ET ET by toasty95

toasty95...
If there was a REAL DESIRE ON THIS PART to be "more than just friends with you"---there would be no other women in the picture.
What YOU desire...he doesn't! And irregardless of what your wishes may be...the "friendship" stage is as far things are going to go between you...at least for now!
Pianoguy
I'm just plain confused now. It's really hard to tell when his past few relationships have been initiated by the women. I'm not sure how much he desires me, I've never asked. And, to tell you the truth, everyone isn't blazen enough to say "I want you": Some people are shy. Maybe you're not, but some people are.
And, yes, I know he wouldn't have desire for me while he's with someone else. If there's one good point to him, he has always been faithful to his girlfriends. Unfortunately, I think he never had gotten out of anyone of them until the girl says "it's over". His last three relationships have been with "needy" types and he becomes submissive to make people/friends happy.
I remember one time when he told a gf of his that he was going to a party later that week. Then, before we all go, she calls him and demanded that he spend the rest of the night sitting next to her (while she talks about nonsense for hrs and hrs on end). If we didn't keep harassing them with phone calls, he would've never spent time with us. He didn't get there 'til at least 4hrs later. (btw - she had him wound so tight around her finger that we haven't seen him in months before that.)
I don't know how he had gotten himself into a relationship with a married woman, but I do know that he did get into it to help her. I don't think the definition of "helping a friend" is to date that person. I honestly don't know what will happen in the end and I'm guessing he's not going to get out of it until she tells him to do so.
toasty95...
Quick comment from PG....
The man you're in love with obviously doesn't have the same feelings for you. Because if he did....there would be NO OTHER WOMEN IN HIS LIFE!
Here's my question:
Are you more interested in a relationship with a man who wants to make YOU exclusive? Or would you rather "wait around indefinitely" for a male who probably will keep you 'hanging' forever?
Pianoguy
I was only saying that all of the women he's dated thus far, he has never personally asked "would you like to be my girlfriend?".
I was only saying that every time I just gotten into a relationship, he gets out of one and vice versa. I'm not sure if our feelings are on the same level, but he can't deny he kissed me first.
I don't care for the moment if we ever do become exclusive or it's a one night stand. But, I rather date him for 9 months and break up, never to see him ever again, than be "just friends" for the rest of my life.
I also, will let you know again, that I am respectful enough of him being committed to someone else at the moment. Throwing a fit at him over it won't win him over.
And, if there's a guy out there who isn't a jerk and doesn't mind my no non-sense personality and wants to be exclusive with me, then I'd love to meet him.
Other than that, I've had made it clear to this guy that I'm not going to wait forever. (But, I never did it as in, "It's me or her" mentality.) I'm just tired of playing tag. And, I've never in my life let myself get stuck "hanging forever" for any man. But, if I didn't like him, I wouldn't wait a while for him, would I?
But, I agree with you, that ideally I'd like to get into a relationship with him because I like him enough to date him (I never said that I was "in love" with him, did I???).