how do I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
how do I move on?
10
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 6:54am
I had been friends with this guy and he's always been giving me signs of interest. I really liked him, and knowing that he was a player, I tried to avoid him. But we occassionally hang out, like watch movie, go clubbin etc. One drunken night, we had sex, but never really talked about it. I was busy and he never called me out after that night, and now I found out he's seeing another girl. It's only been one month since that night. I am devastated, drowning myself in sorrow. I feel bad about that night. It feels like he's done all these just to get with me. I am constantly in tear, losing sleep. I dont know how to move on. It's so cruel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:05am

Well I dont know all the facts but based on your post, you may need to change your perspective a little bit.

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 4:19am
Well, cheated is probably the wrong word. But I feel so hurt. I have been tried to avoid him for so long, he's a player. And I have always made it clear that I don't want to get invovled with him coz he's got too many girls around him. He's been out with a few girls over the year and I guess I have been a fall back whenever he's single. He would ask me to hang out, sweet talk me, and recently he's been asking me to hang out with him and tellin me there's no one else in his life. But after that night, I didn't actually talk about what would happen between us. I didn't think that one night would change so much, but it had changed my feeling. He seemed to be busy during that time, and one month later, he's seeing someone else. I didn't think the other girl happened in that one month of time...

He's always said to me that he didn't want to settle down. He pretty much sees a girl for a few months and get back to single, going through the cycle again and again. I feel so stupid that knowing that he would do this to me. The worst thing is, its so cruel that I have to pretend to be his friend and knowing that he's dating someone else. I feel so hurt, I liked him so much and he has hurt me so bad. I had always seen him as a good friend, but now it makes me question his value as my friend. Do I keep talking to him? I don't think I can do this anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:50am
Your instincts about avoiding his advances because he is a player were right.

I understand that when you two were drunk that you become more vulnerable to his advances.

The guy is a player and was not your friend.

A friend would consider your feelings.

His life is about him right now.

He may be back eventually but do you really want someone who could play with your feelings like that. Friends until he sleeps with you and then it is goodbye.

He likes the chase and then gets bored with his catch and needs to move on.

So you should move on and find friends who respect you and your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:56am
I think it is cruel when you share an intimacy and the person disappears and stops talking to them.

Even in consentual sex you deserve respect and consideration of feelings.

A guy or girl who has sex with someone and doesn't speak to them afterword is not a nice

person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:23am
I agree and disagree.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:54am
Just because he is a player and she knew he was a player doesn't mean that he should be excused for behaving like a jerk afterwards.

I am sure when she will use this as a lesson and when she meets a player than she will know what the consequences could be.

But I also think she should now acknowledge he is not a nice guy so she can remember the red flags in this friendship.

I don't believe in excusing bad behavior under any circumstnce.

Everyone deserves respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:57am
Im not disagreeing with you.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 4:25am
I can see all sides of these arguments. I am not saying that it was all his fault, after all we are both grown up adult. However, he's one of those person who believes you can fool around when you are young and being irresponsible. I dont think this is likely to change in the near future.

However, I dont agree with what you say about respect. I have in no way done anything that would cause him to disrespect me. Any decent person would have respect to another person, not to mention that we were friends. But I may not have been assertive enough.

But the hardest thing is I don't know if I could talk to him anymore. It's hurtful to even just thinking about him. And we have so many friends in common. I don't know what to do, and I just try to avoid any contact with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:04am
you are correct.

You do not need to earn respect- whoever came up with that cliche was wrong

Everyone should be respected until they do something to make people lose respect for them. that is just basic kindness and remembering the golden rule.

Think about it- when you meet someone do you disrespect them until they earn your respect- no you show respect for them until they do something to lose your respect.

If we had to earn respect from everyone we came into contact we would be consumed thinking about others and giving up your identity.

If you focus on you and your self worth than you will see(eventually) that he is not worthy of your friendship.

He is the jerk here not you and he has lost your respect not vice versa.

You deserve to be treated better than he treated you.

As young as you are I understand how hard it is to move on.

I would use this time to work on you and your self esteem and self confidence - you will not believe how quickly you will forget about him.




Edited 8/28/2004 1:20 pm ET ET by calliesam2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 6:49pm
I have agreed with everything calliesam has said in this thread. You do not have to earn respect. You deserve it.

I will add to that, you also need to respect yourself. When you do, you won't sleep with a player or anyone else who might disrespect you in some way without being aware of the consequences. When you respect yourself you will pay attention the signs, hear what is not being said, and consider those against your values, then make an informed decision.

Even if you did not do any of that with this guy, that does not excuse him from being a jerk.

I don't blame you for being hurt. Please don't add to that hurt by beating yourself up or letting anyone else hurt you in anyway. Take some time to heal from this, and build some confidence in yourself so that this sort of thing does not happen again.

As for dealing with him, if it is uncomfortable for you to be around him, stay away. You don't have to be nice to him. You don't have to consider his feelings. Worry about your own. He can take care of himself... apparently.

A~