How do I play it 'cool'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How do I play it 'cool'?
11
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:08pm
Hey there,

So I was posting here a while ago about my never ending disaster with dating - guys being all interested and then running away without a trace.

Yesterday I met the most amazing guy - it was like he just fell from the sky - we met online on a dating site, exchanged a few short emails and then met for breakfast. Well, he is the most intelligent guy I've ever met and he 'had me' from the moment I opened the door (blushing). Anyway, we proceeded to have an amazing date and spent the afternoon together - after 10 mins of watching a movie he kissed me... passionately. After that we made out a lot - but I kept things above the waist. He said how cool I was and how few dates went that well - I was sooooo scared of ruining things. Anyway, today was my birthday - he didn't call but had told me he'd be busy until thursday , when we could go for a coffee or something together. He works for the military and seems to have a bit of a secretive job so can't talk about it.

I really really like this guy - I can't explaiin it - I was really excited to meet him and the moment I did, I just knew we were going to hit it off. How do I play this one 'cool' as you all suggest?

Sheri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:17pm
do what u feel is right..

dont fight ur self.

if u wana show some emeotion show it..dont show it alot of times or in intensity ..just small things

and do mention that it was ur birthday and u would have liked him to call u

acting cool with some one u like doesnt work ...u should make sure that he knows u r interest in him to a comfortable level

do things where u can talk and get to know and be freinds and two human bonding.

i must say the guy was smooth. 20 min in a movie and he is greeting ur lips ...sounds my kind of a guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:42pm
hey, thanks! After I posted this message, he sent me an email!! Said he had a wonderful afternoon and was just in from work, off to bed and he will call me later in the week. He didn't mention my birthday but at least he e-mailed me : ) If I have to post here every day to keep myself from doing something stupid, I will.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:06am

Hello, namesake ;-)!


Ok...I'm totally glad you hit it off with this guy...but you need to slow things WAAAY down unless you are just looking for a fling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:21am
Just remember that you just met this guy. What you experienced was a great first meeting, and that's terrific! I'm glad you feel so good about it. But you still have a lot to learn about each other. As to the physical stuff... well, I have kissed intimately on a first date (meaning more than just a peck at the end of the night), but not on a first "meeting." Nevertheless, if you're comfortable with how things went, that's great.

One of the best ways to keep from becoming over-eager and consumed with this man is to continue meeting and dating others. That doesn't mean you have to go out with 10...but maybe one or two. It will also give you options and something else to do and look forward to, in case things don't turn out as you hope with this new man. You should also assume that HE is probably still meeting and dating other women through the online site.

Otherwise, just let him make the moves and show you that he is interested. But don't obsess about it, and DON'T sit around waiting! If you don't hear from him and get an invitation for a date before the weekend, please make other plans. Keep active... see your girlfriends, go shopping, take your mom to dinner, read, date, whatever it is that you do. And of course you can come here and post as much as you like! I guarantee you.. the ladies here will talk you out of the clouds, if you find yourself drifting away into fantasies too soon!

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 8:20am
I would slow down in the physical part and see him again only if he calls you in advance (by wednesday) for a weekend date and a few days in advance for a week day date. Let him do 95% of the pursuing for now. My guess is that if he said he only wants to meet for coffee for a second date he is taking things slowly - follow his lead and take things ever slower than him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:41am
I agree with Sheri about being careful with first online dates - I have done a lot of online dating and my first meeting is ALWAYS in public. And I don't do the movie rental date until we've been on several dates.

I know the feeling of immediately having really intense feelings for someone. I feel the same way about a guy I just met from an online site last week. The key is to keep your behavior in check. I know it's hard. Enjoy the wonderful feelings, but don't forget that you don't know him. Don't do anything that you will regret.

If you want to 'play it cool' - like someone else suggested, it might help to continue seeing other guys for a little while, so that you don't get overly infatuated with this guy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 8:40pm
Update

Hi there,

So I thought I would post another update (mainly because I really need coaching to keep playing it cool). We ended up having date #2 four days after the first one. I saw his place for the first time, we just chatted and drank wine for a while and then walked to the cinema to watch a great mountain climbing movie. We returned to his place afterwards. He seemed very respectable - kissed me a few times and then we made out quite a lot. it was much like the first date where he was very keen to get physical but I said I couldn't yet. He totally respected it and said it was ok, whatever I was comfortable with. He did invite me to spend the night - got me pyjamas - but I declined and went home. He kissed me good bye and said he would call me the next day after he finished his work (it would be a holiday but he had to do some work).

Well I spent today with a friend - but he hasn't called : ( Obviously I don't expect to talk to him everyday, but I happened to check the online site tonight and noticed he was online. I know we've only seen each other twice, but he tells me how 'supercool' I am and how much he is attracted to me. I told him I was a woman of my word - and he said he is the same so I guess I noticed that he didn't stick to his word about calling me today. I really want it to work - but I don't want to constantly feel like I'm second guessing how things are going. It's so hard because I have such strong feelings for him. How can I grow to trust him and how long is normal for a guy to continue persuing other people on a dating web site before giving one girl a commitment? (just so I know what to expect). I did not contact him today - much as I would like to talk to him and tell him I had a great time last night, I have resisted the urge.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 12:47am
Well, I see you decided to ignore my advice about having your second date be in public ;-)!

Ok...I really don't want to be negative but I see a number of red flags here:

--He's pushing for physical intimacy way too soon, and that to me signals that's basically what he is looking for. I don't see making out on a 2nd date as "respectable". I would bet dollars to donuts that he asked you to "sleep" over because he figured you'd give in once you were in the pyjamas and settled in for the night.

--"I'm attracted to you" is code for "I want to sleep with you".

--How can you have "strong feelings" for someone after only two dates? You barely know the man. Any "strong feelings" you have at this point are a combination of infatuation and projection.

--He's shown you that he is not a guy who does what he says he's going to do. His words were just to get you to *think* that he was like that. Pay attention to *actions*, not words.

As for the dating website, he is free to date other women until the two of you expressly discuss and agree to exclusivity. My rule of thumb is to wait until I've dated a man for two months before agreeing to be exclusive, and I won't sleep with him until we have had that discussion and have that express agreement. Everyone's timeline is different though.

If he calls, I would really think twice about accepting a date that starts or ends at his house or yours.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 2:08am
Sounds like you are "cool" already. Be yourself. That's what attracted the guy to you in the first place. Most guys don't like the game playing thing. They are pretty straight-forward. Good luck and hope everything works out great for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 11:31am
Sounds like you're not interested in playing it cool if you are already addicted to hotn'heavy make out sessions! Which I entirely understand, because a good make out session can be very uplifting! But it probably won't win you his respect, which is what every woman should get. If you are just hurrying up for sex, you're on a great path. If not, WAY SLOW DOWN! I've been mass infatuated with a guy before, but we still didn't make out until at least a month after our first meeting. You have to have control over the situation, and to me it doesn't sound like it. I would have totally cooled down after he invited me to spend the night! That is a HUGE indictator of just wanting sex, no matter how nicely he may have accepted your refusal. I'd say watch out for this one--you sound like your heart is already getting taken from you--he doesn't seem to be one who will wait long for sex, and certainly doesn't seem exclusive. Don't forget to keep dating; a girl must have options!

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