How do I play it 'cool'?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
How do I play it 'cool'?
11
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:08pm
Hey there,

So I was posting here a while ago about my never ending disaster with dating - guys being all interested and then running away without a trace.

Yesterday I met the most amazing guy - it was like he just fell from the sky - we met online on a dating site, exchanged a few short emails and then met for breakfast. Well, he is the most intelligent guy I've ever met and he 'had me' from the moment I opened the door (blushing). Anyway, we proceeded to have an amazing date and spent the afternoon together - after 10 mins of watching a movie he kissed me... passionately. After that we made out a lot - but I kept things above the waist. He said how cool I was and how few dates went that well - I was sooooo scared of ruining things. Anyway, today was my birthday - he didn't call but had told me he'd be busy until thursday , when we could go for a coffee or something together. He works for the military and seems to have a bit of a secretive job so can't talk about it.

I really really like this guy - I can't explaiin it - I was really excited to meet him and the moment I did, I just knew we were going to hit it off. How do I play this one 'cool' as you all suggest?

Sheri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 10:52pm
Update 2

So... here's what transpired. We had date #3 during the day - but as soon as I got to his place, I sensed things were not right. He had turned to the 'iceman'. I have so often seen this before that I really feared the worst, but I played it cool and followed his lead of keeping things completely platonic. But then I noticed a photo of his ex-girlfriend in a frame on the bed side table!! Just a picture of her alone, on a beach. I was shocked. He also had more photos displayed in his walk-in closet and he was currently helping her get a new ID card for work (they used to work together). She had just recently moved to this town, and I think it was causing him grief. They broke up 2 years ago and he said they were just friends, but the photo really strung a chord with me. Anyway, We hung out a bit and went for a run together. Then we fooled around a little (ended up in the shower) but there was a strained feeling and I felt somewhat uncomfortable. After that, he asked me if I wanted to go to a patio for drinks, and meet some of his friends!? I was a little confused... but went along. It was ok, but I was so confused about what he was trying to do. Was he trying to slow things down or brush me off, or was the ex girlfriend still in the picture? I had no idea. He ended the date by saying he would call me the next morning and we could go for breakfast or something.

Well, the next morning came and he didn't call. I knew it was time to have a talk about where this was going because I really had feelings invested, so I called and left a message saying I had some things on my mind and I'd really like to come see him to chat. He was cool with it and said he'd felt awkward the previous day as well.. so I went over to his place and we talked for about 3 hours. It was really great, because he was totally honest with me - he said it had become too much for him, 'overwhelming' was the term he used. His ex moving back to town was turning his life upside down and to make matters worse, she is now seeing one of his subordinates at work and he has to deal with it - despite that she is now with someone else, he has to find out if her moving there has anything to do with wanting to get back with him - and so he can't have a relationship with me right now. He said he did feel a connection with me, though, and really likes me and enjoys spending time with me. He said he would like to keep hanging out but would have to obviously tone it way back... he said he can't guarantee things will ever turn into more or how long he'll need to sort things out but if things change he would talk about it with me. But in the meantime he will stay on the online dating web site and couldn't guarantee he wouldn't go out to meet people - but the 'bar' had been raised having met me, and he would not let things get to the point they got with me? So it sounded like he would just want small insignificant diversions but nothing to get to an intimate relationship level.

I guess I am relieved that he was forthright with his feelings and situation - he did apologize also for pushing the limits on teh physical relationship so quickly. He took blame for that - I am just really realy disappointed. I really feel amazing wth him and I can honestly say it was the happiest week of my life. Now all i can do I guess is see him as a running partner, roller blade buddy, or whatever. WE were both glad we did not end up having sex - I fought that one, and I"m glad I did. I guess in my heart I would just really like the chance to see where it could go, but I'm not optimistic at this point that I will ever have that chance again. When i was leaving he said we should arrange to do something during the week - should I wait to see if he contacts me or push for the friendship myself?

Life sucks sometimes

Sheri




Edited 4/11/2004 10:54 pm ET ET by londoness75

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