How do I proceed in this situation?
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| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 2:07pm |
I have known this guy for 6 months...and I am in love with him. However, he seems to "not be ready" for a relationship YET...but I truly know he likes me and cares for me. He calls me everyday, on his own. What I don't know is if he is STOPPING his feelings becoz he is afraid, or because he doesn't "feel" for me at all. He seems to be in this gray....ambivalent area.
Well, the bottomline is, we are on different pages.....
I have decided that I am going to give him a chance, instead of just walking out on this relation with him. I have decided that I will not be "pressuring" him anymore about being with me. I am going to give him some time...to know me, and to know us better. All this, I have decided in my own mind and will *keep with me*. I don't think I wanna discuss this with him. It's unnecessary.
So now, this is the scenario: we are not in a relationship, yet we are talking everyday. I am not keeping any expectations nor is he from me. And it's my own secret with me, that I wanna give him time to warm up with me. I am going to give him a chance. Probably another 6 months to a year.
What I am VERY confused about NOW and this is my major question here, is should I keep my options open and date other guys? If YES, should I TELL HIM I am dating or should I keep it to myself? Personally, I am NOT interested in OTHER GUYS and desperately want him to date me exclusively...but the only reason I am thinking bout this, is self-preservation, and fear of the future. What if he eventually leaves me? Then I will be nowhere.
Additionally, during the present case scenario, since I am keeping no expectations from MY side, it's quite possible he might be keeping his options open too....esp if he NOT all that into me, to begin with.
Please advise. I am going crazy...with indecision.

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It's entirely possible that he enjoys spending time with you and does have some feelings, but that's beside the point if he isn't even willing to date you exclusively. Six months seems like more than enough time to establish whether or not you want to date each other exclusively, and to at least have talked about what you're both expecting long term.
It's good not to exert pressure, but at the same time you don't want to find out a year from now that nothing has changed and never will because he has no intention of ever having a real relationship and never did. It is good to know for sure where you stand.
There's nothing at all wrong with you keeping your options open too. You might ask once about the subject of dating exclusively. If he's not wanting to do that, then you are free to date other men, and it's not even his business to know any of the details. You may well find someone else who is ready for a relationship and who is even more compatible with you.
<< I felt 6 months have been real short and not enough, is because it has been long distance all these 6 months. We have met once for a day, and rest has all been over the phone extensively.>>
Ah, well... should have said that in the first place. :) That info changes everything. If you'd been dating for 6 months in a conventional way, i'd say ... yes, that's enough time to know whether or not he wants to date you exclusively.
But, long distance, nope. Why? Because, it is inherently limiting. If a couple meets and starts a relationship long distance, there are inherent challenges. I.e, no opportunity to get to know each other in the "day to day" sense of things, interaction in each other's lives, friends, social settings, etc.
It's my opinion that relationships that start long distance have very little chance ... UNLESS the couple can make a very concerted effort to see each other on a regular basis. And, if the distance is too great, that can be rather expensive.
Here's the thing: an exclusive relationship requires a certain level of committment, obligation and intimacy. It's agreeing to not share any of those things with any one else, right?
Now, how many guys to you know who would be willing to exclusively date a woman whom he's only going to be able to have sex with once in a blue moon? While forsaking other opportunities for sex with women who are more geographically desirable? Not many. However, if you could see each other often enough, it could work.
The other problem with starting something long distance is that, for it to eventually go somewhere, someone is going to have to make a sacrifice and move closer so that you guys can be together. But, how do you go about that when you don't get to see each other that often? That's a HUGE risk.
It's different when a couple transitions into long distance, because there's already a foundation in place ... from when the relationship was geographically convenient. Thus, if one or the other moves to make things more accessible, that risk isn't as big.
Lastly, extensive phone conversations don't make up for actual interaction. Never has, never will. It really isn't enough for someone to make a decision. And even if he did decide that he knew you well enough to commit to an exclusive relationship, is he going to be ok with being physically deprived of sexual interaction for months (in between the times when you can see each other?) Probably not.
Sorry, but I think you'd truly be better off finding someone to date who's closer to where you live. Investing in something long distance like this is pretty much playing against the odds.
I've been there, done that...and it doesn't work, IMO, whether you're dating other people (I did) or not...because your heart is "taken". I honestly don't think you'll be able to detach enough to make this work for you...I don't blame you for trying as I tried all sorts of things to make my similar LD situation work ;-) (actually, mine was more that the guy was *saying* he was committed to our relationship but his actions said differently), but unless you are wired differently from most women, I think this will be very painful for you.
The smartest thing for you to do would be basically the opposite of what you're thinking...ask him to call you if and when he decides he's ready to be exclusive, and then stop talking to him and move on as though it's never going to happen (because it's almost certainly not).
But if you are bound and determined to try, then yes you should date other people. I regretted the 18 months I spent in my LDR a lot less because I was at least *meeting* and going out on dates with other people. If nothing happens with this guy a year from now, you will probably regret the time lost if you don't at least try dating others. As for telling him...unless you have agreed to be exclusive, no there's no need (and IMO it would be tacky to say anything).
Sheri
Yeah....I fully realize it is totally against the odds. An LDR is truly limiting esp. when people are getting to know each other. Perhaps distance is half the reason why he is hesitating to commit. But he also knows, I am ready to make compromises if he shows his strong interest in me. I wont be able to move to where he is, unless and until...he shows his seriousness for me. Plus, it's also very likely that he will be leaving the country within the year since he is here on a project basis. I guess, he is being really practical....and is looking at the big picture. He knows, the long tough road ahead, if he commits. I still feel love conquers though and anything is possible if both want it.
Well, anyways, we are not in a relationship (altho to the person looking from outside in, it might seem like it)...and hence we are trying to not keep any expectations. I have been thinking of dating others, but I already feel like it will be hard to let anyone in when I already have such strong feelings for someone else. Moreover, it's going to hard telling him I am out on a date or something if he asks where I have been. I am this very transparent person to him, and lying is something which will be hard to do. But honesty might spoil things on the other hand. Knowing the kind of person he is, if he knows I am dating someone, he will leave me alone and wouldn't even think of pursuing.....even if he felt that way.
Hi Sheri,
Yeah...I think a voice inside me tells me to do the same thing (breaking off with him), and I tried several times. But it just didn't work. I ended up calling him up....after telling him I won't call him again. I know, I am so weak. Then I realized...maybe I should just give this a chance. How often does someone come along who we fall for. Not often for me.
Yes...I agree it's a bit tacky to say I went on a date. It'll be hurting to him. Plus, it might close off all doors with him. So specifically, say he calls while I am out, and then I return his call....and he asks where I was...what should I say? Lie completely (that would induce too much guilt in me though)? Or say I was meeting a friend? (Again. I dont use the word "friend" with him. I always use names. Hence this is tricky to me). What do you advise?
And you are right, by dating, atleast I wouldn't feel like I totally wasted my time.
I would just say that you were out with a friend. I wouldn't be comfortable with lying in that situation, either. If he asks directly whether it was a date, then I'd say something like, yes, I've been dating since we're not in a committed relationship. If he has a problem with that, well, then that's something for the two of you to talk about. But I wouldn't bring it up in advance of him asking about it.
Sheri
Thanks...
PS: There's something else I wanted to mention. One day we had had a very complicated conversation where I was really emotional and wanting him to be with me exclusively....and he seemed very frustrated....and finally "agreed" to be with me, but ADDED that we'll take it "one day at a time" and that there are no guarantees. He said he meant what he was saying and I was to let him know if I agree to it. I fought real hard to make a decision on that, consulted a friend...etc, and finally told him...that I can't be in a relationship with an "expiration date". Even though he hadn't TOLD me clearly that it DOES have an expiration date...but he seemed to be so negative bout a good outcome....and I felt that it didn't really come from his heart. And that's the reason I declined his offer.
So he did actually offer me an exclusive relationship, which i had declined.
Do you think I should have gone for that, and given it a shot?
Do you think this changes the dynamics now?
He can easily be thinking now, that it was ME who declined his offer, not the other way round.
Look, I'm going to put this out there in a really-straightforward way: what you've got here is an uphill battle, you're swimming against the current. Basically, you guys have a lot working against, rather than for you, in which case, you've got to ask "is it WORTH IT?"
Not only is it long distance (and it has been from the start), add to that that he's only here for a year, that you had to pressure him for exclusivity, to which he agreed, but which you declined ... because, after all, who wants an exclusive relationship with someone who's arm has to be twisted!
Is he being practical? Yes. While he may enjoy you, your conversation, the fact remains that neither of you have had much time together, and the outlook looks bleak for anything happening more significant happening in the future, the long-haul.
What a smart, mature, rational person would do (not saying that you're not, your decision moving forward will determine that) is cut her losses.
As you said, you don't have a relationship. And, as long as you're investing your heart in him, it's going to make it rather hard for you to date others. You won't really be "into it." So, while you're investing your heart in someone who isn't really available to you, what you are doing is letting future options pass you by. If you want to take that route, that's up to you ... but, it doesn't seem very smart to me. It seems to me that all you'd be doing is prolonging the inevitable and setting yourself up for disappointment if you continue to invest in him.
Good luck!
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