How do I proceed in this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
How do I proceed in this situation?
16
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 2:07pm


I have known this guy for 6 months...and I am in love with him. However, he seems to "not be ready" for a relationship YET...but I truly know he likes me and cares for me. He calls me everyday, on his own. What I don't know is if he is STOPPING his feelings becoz he is afraid, or because he doesn't "feel" for me at all. He seems to be in this gray....ambivalent area.

Well, the bottomline is, we are on different pages.....

I have decided that I am going to give him a chance, instead of just walking out on this relation with him. I have decided that I will not be "pressuring" him anymore about being with me. I am going to give him some time...to know me, and to know us better. All this, I have decided in my own mind and will *keep with me*. I don't think I wanna discuss this with him. It's unnecessary.

So now, this is the scenario: we are not in a relationship, yet we are talking everyday. I am not keeping any expectations nor is he from me. And it's my own secret with me, that I wanna give him time to warm up with me. I am going to give him a chance. Probably another 6 months to a year.

What I am VERY confused about NOW and this is my major question here, is should I keep my options open and date other guys? If YES, should I TELL HIM I am dating or should I keep it to myself? Personally, I am NOT interested in OTHER GUYS and desperately want him to date me exclusively...but the only reason I am thinking bout this, is self-preservation, and fear of the future. What if he eventually leaves me? Then I will be nowhere.

Additionally, during the present case scenario, since I am keeping no expectations from MY side, it's quite possible he might be keeping his options open too....esp if he NOT all that into me, to begin with.

Please advise. I am going crazy...with indecision.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:14pm

He didn't really offer anything to you, and you know that, which is why you declined.

So no, I don't think this changes anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:06pm

Hm....
:-(

Well..I really think everyone's advise has been right-on...and letting this go would be in my best interest...
Taking that step is a whole different ballgame.

What keeps me going is my love for him, who HE IS, his liking me and in general, a hope, that things will turn out for the best. I really don't want to look back and regret that I didn't do my best.

I know I can move on, surely meet men who will be interested in me (that has never been a problem) and perhaps fall in love again (which happens rarely with me, but it's possible) and find very suitable guys who will be willing to take things forward, but will I find "this" person again? No. That's what kills me, everytime I think about it. The thought of losing him....makes me feel sick.

But I do need to do something about this situation. We are on different pages. I have been finding myself waiting to hear from him and pining for more time with him, and getting upset at him, coz he always seems to be on the run and never seems to find time to have an extended conversation with me(altho he does make it a point to call everyday). It's always either work, or spending time with buddies(weekends), or running errands and doing housework....and in-between he somehow fits me in for a few minutes....and I am always left hungry for more. I still feel, we dont know each other that well. I want to know him so much more, if only he sticks on the phone for a bit longer. Today, we spoke early in the morning, and then he said he will call me in the evening. I felt a bit hurt. It wouldnt kill him to give me a lil call in the afternoon? (I dont know if my needs look normal to everyone). But when I air my views, he always listens, always apologises, and tries to correct it (out of obligation, or from his heart, I don't know). I really feel I need to "cut back" on my involvement...before I make him flee. I don't ever want to be a pest or appear so needy. I want that eagerness to share time with each other, come naturally from him. Either this is just his style and he is an extremely independent person who likes his space, or I have this big need for enough shared time and care and attention. Or both. Or maybe he is "avoiding" having to be on the phone for long, with me, becoz "he is afraid of getting us more involved". Maybe. I don't know. I am just confused.

Inanycase, I know, if nothing, I really have to cut back majorly on my involvement and expectations, to ease the pressure on him...and for a sense of balance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:43pm
I think you should definitely keep your options open. 6 months is a long time to be dating casually and either he just doesn't want a relationship or he doesn't want a relationship with you. There's nothing wrong with you. Definitely date other people as well. If you like this guy and want to continue seeing him, that's fine but if you have an urge to have a relationship with him still, I say stop dating him. Go cold turkey.
"Withdraw into yourself and look; and if you do not find yourself beautiful as yet, do as does the sculptor of a statue. Cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is shadowed. Do not cease until there shall sh
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 2:58pm

Yesterday we had a long conversation....where we both seemed to be getting increasingly frustrated, trying to resolve our situation. At one point he used the word "never" (as in, he doesn't see it going anywhere, and it's never going to happen). That killed everything in me. But, is it possible, that he used the word ... so I don't wait for him? Because he is simply not ready to take it further "at this point in time"?

He gave me very very conflicting messages....
He said this at different points.

1. I dont wanna marry ever.
2. Yeah, I might marry when it's the right time.

1. It's "never" going to happen.
2. I don't feel ready as of now.

It is clear to me though, that he does NOT want me HOPING and WAITING. Perhaps, that's why he used the word "never". There is no way of deciphering whether he MEANT the never.

I asked him specifically, if it's ME or the concept of a relationship he is rejecting.
He said it's the concept.

He also said at one point.....that he CANNOT take the pressure and responsibility of KNOWING that he is "ruining" my life....that he is pained that I am not "taking care of myself". He is right about the not taking care of myself part. Coz we know I am in this gray funk.....where I am not eating right, sleeping right, and always seem depressed and am losing motivation to do even the most basic things in life. He knows I am not living a normal life, and he feels hugely responsible and guilty for it.

Do you think that's the reason he used the word NEVER.....so I can move on and work towards a better life, and NOT wait for him...hence keep him off the guilt?

If this is the case, then he SURE has feelings for me.
But he is suppressing it Just Becoz he is not ready at THIS particular point.
He also accepted that he has felt Love for me. (and I have felt it too)

A friend of mine advised me....that I should continue to stay in touch with him, but just NOT talk bout any of this. Just keep things casual. My friend thinks....all has not ended yet, and there is still some Hope.

What do you all think?

What I am going through now, is mixed emotions and feelings.

Clearly, he doesnt have the guts or the ability to BE with me confidantly. So should I even stick around. By sticking around, I am surely "in" his life.....but I'll be making things difficult for me, becoz I have strong feelings for him. I am feeling a lot of ANGER in me for him. if he TRULY meant that 'NEVER', I don't feel like contacting him ever again. I want to let him go, once and for all.

Should I totally reduce my contact.....perhaps email him once a week or something to see how he is doing and what's going on. (Stay in touch....but infrequently. This will give me some time to recover from him and try to move on with my life) Or do you think I should cut the chord and not look back.

Thanks for your feedback.....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:21pm

I've never found detaching in the way your friend is suggesting to work. You can *try* it, but I think you'll find that having any amount of contact will keep you hooked in. So I think cutting off contact (after letting him know that if he changes his mind, he should get in touch) would be best for you.

I also think that "why" he's telling you what he's telling you is less important than the fact that he IS telling you that a relationship is pretty much out of the question.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:35pm

I'll start at the end and work backward here, because the last part was the most important ... you said << Or do you think I should cut the chord and not look back. >>

Answer: Yes!

<< Clearly, he doesnt have the guts or the ability to BE with me confidantly. So should I even stick around. >>

Clearly, so what are you doing with him? I don't know if it's guts or ability (neither do you), but one thing is clear: he doesn't want a relationship.

<< My friend thinks....all has not ended yet, and there is still some Hope.>>

Your friend is telling you what you want to hear, because that's her idea of being a supportive friend. But, the value of a message board is that you can get objective advice from people who do not know you and aren't afraid to hurt your feelings.

Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying this ... but, someone needs to be straight with you ... because you're reading way too much between the lines. If he wanted a relationship, he'd be contacting you, reaching out to you, etc. He's not. So, that's it ... straight forward as it gets.

I'm not saying this with "kid gloves" on ... whereas, people who know you most likely will.

<< If this is the case, then he SURE has feelings for me.
But he is suppressing it Just Becoz he is not ready at THIS particular point.>>

You're overanalyzing and reading between the lines, which women (most) are very good at. :) If you take things at face value, what do his actions tell you? Not his words, or trying to decipher them, but his actions.

<< Do you think that's the reason he used the word NEVER.....so I can move on and work towards a better life, and NOT wait for him...hence keep him off the guilt? >>

People only feel guilt if they've done something wrong. What has he done wrong? He hasn't promised you a relationship and then retracted. No, I don't think it's guilt. What it is is that, he knows you're in a vulnerable state and doesn't want to be the "bad guy." Let me explain further .....

<< He knows I am not living a normal life, and he feels hugely responsible and guilty for it.>>

Has he said this in so many words? That he feels responsible and guilty for you not living a normal life? If so, that's a fallacy, a mistake. YOU are responsible for not living a normal life. You are responsible for investing in someone who isn't giving you the relationship you want. A well-balanced person will not allow themselves to sit around waiting and hoping for the person they're interested in to be "on the same page." A well-balanced, self-aware person will say "I deserve better than this, I can recognize that he's not offering me what I want ...whether it's a matter of being unable or unwilling ... that's a moot point ... it is what it is" ... and you move on to find someone who DOES want what you want.

So, "why is HE not cutting things off completely, if there's this tension and frustration?" .... you might ask.

Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy! Guys hate having to be the bad guy. If a guy senses that a girl is going to freak out and have a meltdown if he breaks things off, he'll prolong it like the plague ... and end up pulling a "fade away." Which is probably what he's been doing ... fading away. That is, if he's not initiating conversation, making time to have lengthy conversations, etc.

That is your cue. Plain and simple.

When a guy starts pulling away, becoming uninteresting, less contact, etc ... it's simply because he doesn't have the balls to end it, because he thinks you're going to freak out. Particularly, when it's a situation like this where a relationship hasn't really been established. Is is cowardly? Sure! But, it's only because they don't want to confront the drama and the scene of breaking up with a woman who, he feels, can't "handle" being broken up with.

And, as it is, you don't have a relationship ... so, it's not really "breaking up" ... rather, it's putting an end to the HOPES of some sort of relationship happening.

<< I asked him specifically, if it's ME or the concept of a relationship he is rejecting.
He said it's the concept.>>

Well, if he's not open to the CONCEPT of a relationship, whether it's you or someone else ... what he's saying is that he does not want a relationship.

Secondly, I don't know many guys who are going to say "it's you", if given the choice between answering "concept" or "you" ... he'll say it's a relationship in general, to spare your feelings, even if it is you. So, take that with a grain of salt ... but, the fact remains that he doesn't want a relationship.

<< It is clear to me though, that he does NOT want me HOPING and WAITING. >>

So, if it's clear to you now, that means that you're not going to continue hoping and waiting, right?

It's clear to me that you're young (under 25), though you haven't stated your age, because you're doing what so many young women do ... investing in someone who doesn't want what you want, and HOPING and WAITING for it to be so. When you have more experience and maturity under your belt, recognizing the "it is what it is" factor will be easier and you won't waste your time on unavailable guys. Recognizing this for what it is, it comes with maturity and experience and realizing that you have more to offer than waiting around for some guy to want what you want. But, don't fret, you're doing what most if not all young women do ... it's up to you, and you alone, to learn these lessons.

Good luck!

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