How do I protect myself emotionally?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How do I protect myself emotionally?
4
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:23pm
Since I'm new to the actual "dating" arena (first bf was the "insta-couple" thing), I'm not sure how to protect myself emotionally while dating new men. It may be because I'm a pisces, or incidents from growing up, but I find myself longing for a personal connection very badly at times. I happy as a single person, yet when someone special comes along, I find it incredibly easy to just pour out everything. I admit even I would find that a lot to digest in the beginnings of r/ships!

I can easily enough learn not to SPILL information, I've been practicing for a while now. Yet I can't seem to stop myself from emotionally bonding with someone when it's way too early. Any tricks? Any points of view that you view your date through so that you don't get lost and blinded while getting to know someone?

mairead

Avatar for suzy_corgan
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:40pm
First of all I think that you should take things slow with people you hardly know. Why? You don't know them and you don't know if they are going to use the information that you have given them to their advantage. Example: You tell them that you are easily manipulated, then they manipulate you to do something for them. Do you get where I am coming from? I think that you need to truly love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin before attaching yourself to someone else. People don't like it when someone gets too dependent on them, then they really have no room to breathe. So stay cool at the beginning of the whole courting process, then when you feel as though you are BOTH gettting connected, I would let things out LITTLE BY LITTLE.

As far as getting attached emotionally quickly, I would wait awhile, yes easier said than done, but find other things that you are interested in. That way you can put all your emotions into a particular hobby or class that you may be taking. This is a lot healthier than getting emotionally attached to someone, because then you won't get hurt. Get a pet, become a Big Sister to someone who needs emotional bonding(Through the Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America Organization). They wouldn't mind.There are other things that you could invest your emotions in, it doesn't have to involve a relationship with someone that you want to date. Write your feelings in a diary instead of telling someone right off how you feel for them , when the time is right, say after they open up to you or you feel a great bond(usually happens when two people have a lot in common), then talk to them, but in moderation. Do you understand? I hope I helped in some way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 4:46pm
I used to do the same as you, pour my whole heart out at the beginning, and it hurt like crazy when my relationship wouldn't last or my dates would leave. So now what I do, is say to myself when I meet someone new, not to give in and not to pour my heart out too fast. I repeated that everyday till someone new came around and I would just say the basics of what they need to know about me and then later on once I start to get to know the guy and they trust me to say anything, then maybe I will say just a bit about myself but not to the full extent because I wouldn't want them to use anything I say to be used against me. What I do, is I just try to focus on other things. Or if I am on a date and I start to realize that I am pouring myself out to them, I'll excuse myself to the lady's room or just change the subject onto them or comment on something else. I just try to guard myself but not saying much. I just remind myself, that men love a mysterious woman. That's all.

I hope this helps you a little bit.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 5:18pm
I have the same issue so I force myself to take steps to counteract it, such as:

--continue dating other people while I'm getting to know someone (I generally wait until I've been dating someone for at least 6-8 weeks before deciding whether to date them exclusively)

--only go out once or twice a week max and don't talk on the phone every day

--no physical intimacy until we've dated for a while and are exclusive

--saying to myself, as often as necessary, "Yeah, he seems great, but it's early, you barely KNOW him. Time will tell." or some variation thereof!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 9:33pm
Hello again maihread!