how do i stop being this way?
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| Mon, 08-14-2006 - 3:43pm |
I have a problem..... I've been accused of being "cold" by pretty much all of my previous boyfriends, including the man I am currently dating. Anytime I get into an argument with a boyfriend, I feel myself shut down.... basically I get very apathetic feeling and my instinct is to just walk away and not deal with it.
I realize that this is very destructive to my relationships, and I need some good advice on ways to improve myself in this area. I guess I just don't understand why I react in that way when "the going gets tough", and my current boyfriend has voiced to me that it really hurts him when I turn off communication and basically act like I want to throw in the towel when we have any big conflicts come up. Why am I like this and what can I do to start going in the direction of being more open in my communication? I really want to become better about this in my relationships with people..... thank you for any advice!

Hi Silvercutie;
I bet that you have probably had a great deal to overcome and to come to terms with in your life right? I have been there also, I think that it is a protective device, ( If I don't care , and stand on the outside looking in than I can't get hurt.) I personally have had a good example in a friend recently on how to feel and listen, I am learning how to listen and you will too if you stop and take deep breaths and allow it happen. The funny thing is silvercutie it is actually easier to go through the motions of arguments and feeling emotional than it is to try and block it out.
My very best to you!
Suzie
:-)
You have recognized and defined your issue which is good. I think the self-help section of the bookstore might be worth a visit.
There are plenty of well-written books that can teach you to manage conflict in a constructive way.
Turning off communication temporarily might be a good thing. It will give you time to organize your thoughts. But it is important to return to the subject matter eventually and discuss what the issues are in a calm fashion and then listen to your partner's response.
By ignoring issues you will allow things to boil under the surface and eventually you will either explode or walk away from the relationship.
The first thing I would do is go visit your the bookstore's coffee bar and get yourself a great big cup of something you like, because you are going to be there for awhile. Look at all the books that discuss conflict management and there are plenty of then out there. Something will pique your interest.
I would, however, take a look at the old standby, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" which describes exactly this phenomenon that you describe. The title says it all, men are prone to confrontation, being competitive and explosive...like Mars. Women are trying to be like the goddess Venus, unassuming, beautiful, calm and alluring. But that doesn't lend itself to open and honest discussion of issues and differences. The result is bottling up of anger and resentment, and the inevitable explosion.
Really, this is just a matter of changing your behavior, it might be much easier than you think.
The bookstore is your friend.