How do you break free from a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
How do you break free from a married man
4
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:14am
Two years ago i got very friendly with a married older man in work. I was just newly married. I got closer and closer to this man from work and started a relationship with him. It was an emotional relationship and very rarely involved sex. I loved him alot and still do. He loved me but would not leave his marriage because of the kids. He still loves me. We finished a year ago but stil have alot of contact. I cannot get over him. I want so much to give my marriage and my husband a chance but i cannot forget about my co worker. I think of him all the time. I see him everyday in work. I get very down and very upset and end up talking to him about us. He is 15 years older than me. How do i break free? I have tried everything ignoring him, not ringing him, but i cannnot seem to break free. Is it silly staying friends, he says we need to be friends for us because we still love each other so much. Nothing has happened since a year ago only conversations and arguements. I give out to him alot for not leaving. He is very unhappy at home. His wife knows about me and stayed with him because she has had several affairs. They are only together for the kids which are 12, 14 and 16. He is 40 i am 25, what do i do? Very confused, very down, cracking up and feel like i am loosing it. Dont want to love this man anymore i want to get on with my life and love my husband again, can i love my husband again? Is it possible to bring the love back into our marriage? I have been with my husband since i was 16. I never had another boyfriend. My husband is a kind, caring, sweet man but is very involved in his hobby so is rarely at home. Do i need to leave my husband and start a fresh. Am i too young to stay in a marriage with someone i dont love.

I am sorry that this mail is so long. I am desperate to get through this. I feel like a failure, a year ago all i wanted was to be with my co worker but that did not happen. When i was with my coworker we rarely got to meet, maybe 15 minutes 1 evening a week. I settled for the very least, i loved him so much i figured that was better than nothing but he hurt my alot. I still talk to him everyday - am i mad? Why do i love this man so much and how do i break free??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 4:30pm

Hello kerry!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 4:07am
Hi Tg,

Many thanks for your kind reply. I agree with you completely. I am letting my emotions control me. I think about him 24/7 and i so desperately want to forget about him. It is a help to get advice from this board. Regarding children been happier with one happy parent i also agree totally with this. My Mam is a single parent with 8 years now and our home is a much happier home since she and my Dad split up.

I think about changing jobs but with a recent promotion it would be unfair on me to do that as right now i am very happy in my job apart from seeing him every day.

As for my marriage i just dont know what to do. I am trying so hard for things to work with my husband and things have got a bit better. We talk more now and spend more time together (when he is at home!) but that spark is still missing. There is no romance or excitment there anymore. I long to have with my husband what i had with my coworker. The conversation and love. With my husband i feel safe but not special. Also my husband and i have a very bad sex life. I know this should not matter but i am only 26. I must add now though that the relationship with my coworker was not a sexual relationship. In the year we were together we only made love maybe 7 times. Sometimes i wonder because those 7 times were so different and good did he only let me see what making love should be really like.

I know i will not leave my husband now, i am too scared. I am very independant, i have a good job, alot of friends and i should not be scared but i am. I dont want me leaving my husband to have anything to do with my coworker and at the moment it would have alot to do with him. And i am afraid that i would not meet someone else. But most of all i am afraid of being hurt again. I dont think i could go through the rejection that i have gone through the past year. I have been hurt alot in the past by my Father especially. Although sometimes i wonder did my coworker hurt me more.

Maybe the only way to protect myself is to stick with what i know. Or maybe i just need to accept the fact that i have not got a future with my coworker and maybe when i get over all of that and get out of that emotional wreck i can concentrate on my marriage and find the strength to leave if that is what is going to happen.

Earlier in the year i went to a fortune teller and she said i would be gone from my marriage by the end of the summer.

Again many thanks for your kind reply. I hope that i have not bored you with the above. I was surprised from your profile that you were male. I guess when you said you were a single parent i presumed you were female. I hope you are not insulted by my honesty. But it is good to see that there are alot of good Dad's out there.

Anymore advice would be greatly appreciated.

Many Thanks,

Kerry 1205.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:59am
You sound like you are in a tough situation of perhaps marrying too young without experiencing enough of the "single" life. I beg of you to get yourself into counseling to explore issues such as what the other man is bringing to your life, what is missing in your marriage, and what do YOU want? I hope you can make decisions of your own instead of the OM telling you that you two must be friends. Personally, I think you will never be able to get him out of your life under the guise of "just friends". I think you need him OUT of your life. Best of luck and let us know what happens.


Edited 5/26/2004 11:02 am ET ET by wendie1972

Lilypie Baby Days<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Thu, 05-27-2004 - 10:19am
Hi Wendie,

You have no idea of how helpful i am finding this board, the advice and strength i am getting from it. I am hoping to start councelling next week. Since i first came across this board last week i have cut back alot from contact from the OM.

Usually i would ring him alot and he would call. So far this week i have replied to 2 of his mails and he called to my office today and i spoke to him for 5 minutes and told him i had to get back to work. I am not being unpleasant just not contacting him.

Last week i spoke to him every day. Called to his office every day. He called to me every day and i emailed him alot too so my achievements in distancing myself this week have been good. I hope it continues.

I want for him to be without me. He made his choice and it didnt include me. He should not have me as a friend. He goes home to his wife every day and comes back in here to work telling me how unhappy he is and how they only talk aboout the kids. He talks so much about his kids but in reality he is never at home and he goes drinking 5 nights a week with his wife.

I Still think about him all the time but have taking the advice i was given from my first reply to this problem "Dont let your emotions control you".

As for my marriage deep down i know and maybe hope it will end as i want to have love back in my life. I dont want to be in a relationship that is empty. Finding the strength to sort myself out is the problem. But i also know that i will not leave now.

I wish i had never met the OM, he has ruined me. I used to be a fun loving, confident, happy girl now i am addled and always down.

Kindest Regards,

Kerry.