how do you get over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
how do you get over it?
8
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:24am
I have been seeing this guy for about 6 months. He said he wanted a serious relationship. I care about him a great deal. And he says he cares about me. I am 31 never been married. He is 38 and a widow. His wife died of cancer 2 years ago. He told me about 6 weeks ago that he has changed his mind. He is not ready for a serious relationship. He feels like he needs time to have some "fun". He feels like he has not gotten to since his wife has past away. Ok, this was hard for me to hear, because I am looking for a serious relationship. But, what makes it hard is, he keeps calling me every 2 or 3 weeks telling me he misses me and just wanted to hear my voice. I am trying to move on. I think I have until he calls again. Why is he doing this? How can I get over him once and for all? I have even gotten where I screen my calls at home so I will not answer when he calls. But, then he calls me at work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:05pm
He wants his cake and icecream too. He wants no serious relationship but expects you to be "oncall" if he is lonely and blue. You are no leaning post. Ask him not to call you at work again. Be firm yet nice about it. Start dating, even if it is to have fun. So he misses you so much, be deal! I miss my favorite car which I adored yet it died and I had to let it go (just trying to make you laugh!). Seriously though, move forward and enjoy your life. Do not let him back in. He does not know what he wants at this state.

Lastly, stop looking for a relationship, love the relationship with self and the love you desire will come in time.


Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:39pm
It will be almost impossible to get over him while you are still talking to this man. Every time he says ANYTHING remotely sentimental or romantic, you will swoon all over again and start fantasizing about having a future with him. Later, you will feel the hurt because he hasn't come back to you asking for a serious relationship.

And I hope you understand his situation... He probably does need a little more time to have fun and feel free. It probably took him 2 years just to BEGIN to recover from the death of a young wife from cancer. If you've ever watched anyone close to you die from that disease, you know there are no words to describe it. The images, the pain and the memories are EXTREMELY haunting and hard to put away. (My father and my mother-in-law)

The only way you can continue to stay in communication with this man is if you completely and truly accept that he doesnt want a serious relationship with you, and may never want one. I don't think you are there yet.

Until you have acceptance, you need to cut off contact. If you allow him to continue to bob in and out of your life, all you will probably get is more pain and confusion. It's up to you.

Take care, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:48pm
I agree that cutting of contact is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. I know how hard it is to get over someone and still have to be around them (We had the same circle of friends). It took me forever and I lost a lot of time (like 5 years)! Try your best to make a clean break and move on.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 6:36pm
Thanks for the advice. I haven't been answering the phone when he calls. It is very hard not to answer because I care about him alot.

I am just alittle confused, if someone could answer a question for me I would appreciate it. What does it mean when a guy says he cares about you, but needs some space to have some fun? What kind of fun is he talking about? Can he not have this fun with me?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:26pm
"Can he not have this fun with me?"

Whether he CAN or not, he doesn't WANT to.

Let him go. If he wants you back, he knows where to find you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:40pm
He should of thought about not wanting a relationship with you or anybody before he began one. I am sorry you are going through this. He needs to realize it is just not his life or feelings involved here. It is his and yours. I have to agree with everyone else, I would continue to limit contact with him.

To answer your question about him wanting to have fun and what kind of fun is he wanting to have. I really can't say. I would think a man being his age would done had all the so called fun he is talking about before now. Has he been in any other relationships since his wife has past?

He should of took that time for his self. By now he should want to move on with his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:11am
I'm guessing that he's struggling to get to know himself after a horrendous life experience. I'll bet if you asked him what he means by fun, he probably doesn't know.

But I do think that what he is doing is healthy. He's figuring out who he is at this point in his life. Not to mention he may also need time to himself to complete the grieving process.

That's not to say that you should be at his beck and call.

I suggest you do some serious thinking about how you want to interact with him given this turn of events. Maybe you don't want to at all. Maybe there's something in between.

I know it's hard, and I know it's painful. But just remember, what you want is important too.

I'm not big on rules for dating, but I do have a "rule of thumb" when it comes to divorcees or widows - 5 years. It takes people a long time to get over such big losses, and until they do, they can't be as emotionally available to you as you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:01am
He has been in 2 other relationships besides me since his wife died. I guess all of the sudden 2 years down the road he realizes he needs time for himslf. I do understand that he needs this time, but he should of did it after his wife died.