How do you sit down and talk to a guy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
How do you sit down and talk to a guy...
13
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:37am
How do you sit down and talk to a guy about dating and feelings without him getting scared? My guy friend and I have been hanging out a lot lately and there has been a lot of playful flirting and touching between us. He has showed me a lot of mixed reactions about the way he feels about me. I know that I have developed feelings for him and would like to pursue them but I am so hesitant in sitting down with him and being like, " what are we?" Not because I am afraid that he will not feel the same cause if he didn't have feelings for me I would just continue being his friend, but I don't want to scare him in the process of asking in the first place. How do most men (not that they ever want to talk about things like this) want to talk about something like this? Or how has anyone else discussed something like this? Suggestions will help me a tremendous amount.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:43am
jill2237...

The BEST time to bring up the subject is over lunch or dinner...when you're sitting across the table, gazing into each other's eyes and casually munching on a sandwich or a salad!

The WORST time is when the 2 of you are 'playing around'---because this immediately puts any man "ON GUARD!" Most of us know that if we do something more than kiss you...you'll be expecting a house, wedding ring and a Mercedes within a few months! (Okay...Pianoguy is exaggerating...but most ivillagers know where he's coming from).

If you're currently getting 'mixed reactions' from your b/f...and the 2 of you have only been dating for a few months...give things a little more time to develop. By the end of month #4, you're going to want to bring up the "where's our relationship headed" issue. But...the BIGGEST MISTAKE you (or any woman) can make is pushing us too quickly about our intentions.

Some of us HONESTLY DON'T KNOW what they are!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:05am
" Some of us HONESTLY DON'T KNOW what they are! ", said pianoguy...

Well, and we women have to keep up with this crap? I think the right sentence is:

"SOME OF US HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE IN THIS WORLD"

And we have to sit and wait for this wonderful men to decide and have a flash of light in their lives!! And even talk with them very carefully about exclusivity and dating, because you men are so sensible human kinds that can get scared!! You don't get scared driving a Porsche on speed limit, but you get scared when a woman who truly loves you wants just you and no other man.... truly ridiculous!!!

GET A LIFE!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:40am
Luabonita, you sound very frustrated. Have things not worked out for you? I'm sorry if that's so. I wonder if you are able to see things in a different way? While it's true some men are scaredy-cats and handle things badly when it comes to being emotionally engaged with a woman, most men simply need a little special handling in order to deal with love. A woman is empowered by it, a man becomes vulnerable. When I love I want to shout it out, pour it on, charge through life with confidence. When he does, it's time to slow down a bit, what will this do to my life, what if I fail her.

This is just generally speaking, everyone, don't freak out. I only put it to you so you'll perhaps see that just because a man might need special handling, this doesn't make him a jerk or doesn't mean that you are compromising. The best loving gesture I could give is space and time for someone to adjust.

Your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 4:10pm
luabonita...

Everyone is entitled to HIS or HER opinions on these boards....and I've given mine several times. You certainly don't have to agree with them.

BUT...

If you're expecting a man to "think" the way that a woman does...FORGET IT!

NADA...NO WAY...NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Pianoguy---who senses a lot of bitterness in your post...and suspects that your relationships with one or two men may have ended in a similar manner?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:08pm
First of all, I did not say "Get a Life" to you in particular!!! I really like your posts and your opinions, so, I said that like an expression to all guys who are like the one on the first post.

I know men don't and never will think like a woman, I just think it's degrading for a woman who is involved with a man by some time (maybe sex included), to have to sit down with him and "do the talk".... I don't understand this!

Because I know there are men who it's not necessary to have the "exclusivity talk", if they love the woman, that it's not an issue, you just know he's there for you and that you're exclusive. I know this because I had a 6 year relationship with a wonderful man that since the very begining we were very open about ourselves and our feelings. So, I just feel that if a woman as to have the "exclusivity talk" it's because she's insecure about him, or the comunication between them it's not so open, or he makes her feel insecure, whatever. This is not normal, I think, and less normal it's being involved with a man that when I have to make that conversation, has to be in a way to not scare him!!! I'm only saying I love him and want to be with him, and if he gets scared and doesn't understand this, well, probably I'm better without him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:57am
Jill2237,

Here is a bit of advice from a man's perspective.

He is not interested in you, he wants to just play, trust me

if I was interested in you nothing would stop him from telling

you how he feels, it just may not be words, men have a hard time

expressing themselves by words, but its the actions, like flowers,

and opening your door, and telling you that you look beautiful today,

that kind of stuff. Maybe I am old fashioned but I think those kind

of things are important. Remeber men don't want to appear weak, and

expressing themselves with words does that for men, and even more so

if he did try to express himself in the past and went down in flames

because the woman he tried to express himself laughed at him or did not

take him seriously.

I read both of your messages that you posted and to be honest

you really have caught my attention.

I think that your issue is real, and happens more often then you think.

If I am not too forward here I would like to write to you more often, if

you would drop me a line I can share my aspects as a man, and you can help me

with aspects of a woman.

Chat with you soon, and don't give up on men, we are not easy to understand

but well worth it in the end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:43am
andrew1818,

Thank you for responding to my post. And I agree with what you have written. And I believe in the old fashion type of dating also. The thing with my situation is that he does open my doors and tell me how beautiful I look and makes me feel special. BUT then he kinda shuts down when it comes to a "relationship". The feelings I have for him seem to get stronger and I am afraid that I am going to let myself get hurt if it keeps up. It is hard to portray the situation on the computer when you have so many thoughts and feelings in your head and you don't want everyone to have to read a book.

I just want a straight answer out of this guy without beating around the bush anymore. The first time we ever hung out he said "he didn't want a girlfriend", but lately he has been up and down with the situation.

So many times I have read "He doesn't want you, he just WANTS you" so to speak. And I am not saying that I disagree with what they are saying cause I try to take it in, but then he acts in a way where I feel like everyone is wrong. I don't know.

On a lighter note, I would enjoy talking to you more and reading your insight and reponses about anything. And I would like to read and help you in any questions you have reguarding any situation. It would be nice to learn more about you and read what a man thinks. :)

Hope to talk to you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:55am
Absolutely!!

This was exactly what I meant in my post, I'm glad to hear it from a man!

A man when he really likes a woman and want a serious relationship with her, he shows it, with words, with actions, he just wants for her to know she's special and the only one in his life.

A man who doesn't care or a man who a woman feel the need to have the "exclusivity talk" with him, and also he can feel scared about it, it's obviously not worth of the love and caring of the woman.

I want a man who loves me, who shows me that, who make me feel special, not a man that I'll have to "beg" for his attention and exclusivity. While this men get "scared", they can lose a lot of wonderful women to those other men who are not afraid of living life at its fullest.

No woman should go on second best, I guess......

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:10pm
I am so glad that so many responded to my post but it really didn't make me realize how I am suppose to talk to him about it. Like what are the right and wrong words to use or when is the best time...? I know what a man is suppose to act like around a woman (which he is doing) but I am not sure how to communicate with him. And I know that communication is the key to any relationship. Please continue to encourage my efforts. And thank you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:44pm
You can't "scare off" a guy who is right for you, because he will want the same things and be on the same page. So just bite the bullet and TALK to him! However, do be prepared for him to let you know he doesn't feel the same way (it sounds like you are) because I think that if he were interested in "more", he would have let you know that already.

Sheri

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