how does one keep things in perspective
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-30-2004 - 6:58pm |
I am so bad at relationships and I am 30 already. That makes me mad at myself. I wish I could understand people better, esp him, and find ways to be able to keep him with me. Right now things are well. Although, I am not going to see him this weekend, since he wants some time alone to be able to get some artwork done, some laundry, and to rest and hang out with some of his friends. That worries me a bit. I know I am being a bit paranoid since I know everybody needs some space and time away from a relationship, if it is to grow and nurture. I know that in my head, but my heart is worried very much. This is the first weekend, since we started dating, that I am not going to hang with him. I am so tempted to call him up and ask him if he wants to go out to dinner (my treat), but I know it isnt good to do that. He did call me last night and he asked me to call him tonight, which I probably will (one thing I dont like about him living at home is that, if he calls me, his mom makes him get off the phone in a hour). Sometimes, I call him so as not to cause him phone bills and his mom getting upset. I am so tempted to get a cell phone for him as a gift and include him on my cellular plan. My brother does that with his gf, but I am not sure.
I guess my question is, how do you guys keep a calm head and emotions, when guys want a weekend to themselves? Also, how can you tell if a guy is really into you, or is tiring of you? Lastly, is it a true measure of whether a guy is telling the truth or not, if he is able to look at you straight in the eyes when he talks to you about something important????
As you guys can tell, I am scared of losing him. I really want to keep him as a bf, and I want to give him space. I sometimes am afraid if I give him space, he might want more. I dont know. I do care about him and probably within the next month or two, I will take him on a trip home with me to Los Angeles. I havent gone home in a while, and I miss my family out there. Plus, he has shown interest in meeting my parents. Also, he is stressed out from his job and he hasnt gone on a vacation in over two years. I can afford to take him since I am not broke and I do make sufficent money.

Pages
All your issues relate to you having low self-esteem.
This guy, this relationship - is your entire life. Don't sit there and tell me about the job, and the school, and your friends...you totally LIVE 24/7 thinking about him, his needs, what's he thinking and feeling, how can you make him want more.
So..whre you're at is this...yo're in a "relationship on his terms and by his standards."
Now, let's say an "ideal relationship" to him is you giving him a cell phone and paying the bills, taking him on vacation occasionally and paying the bills, while he lives with his parents and pays no bills, and he lets you do the driving to come and get laid 2-3 times a week, while he parents idolize you and feed you for being "the best thing that has ever happened to him."
What IF THAT is his "ideal relationship"..he's got it. Nobody gives up what is "ideal to them".
Ideal is generally whtever meets my needs and standards and is easy for me to do with little requirement of me. HE has an IDEAL RELATIONSHIP by anybody's standards...except yours...here's why.
See, you're need aren't being met. You say you want to move closer - and he says no. So you don't. He says he needs space this weekend ot drink beer, hang out with his buddies and do his laundry - and so he gets it while you sit in angst and terror about "what if he likes it better without me than with me" while planning his next gift or seduction extrordinaire so that he "won't leave you".
There's no "perspective' possible from that position. It's very simple - you're in a relationship that you want so bad - you'll have it on his terms, by his standards, to meet his needs, to adhere to his priorities. There's no "you" in that relationship.
Know the phrase "men love b(*ches" - stupid phrase....but, here is what it means. See, all the time, energy, sacrifice, effort and money that you've put into him and this relationship - that's 'investment". It's that investment that makes you so determined to "make this pay out".
Someone like him...who doesn't WANT anything unless it is easy, free, cheap and no obligation.....has nothing to invest, nor any desire to invest IN YOU. He's not having any sort of difficulty in having sex, taking the subway occasionally and getting out of his parents house on the weekends, while you cater to 90% of his needs. He CANNOT invest in you - there is no "you" to invest in.
Your goal in life is to make him want you so that you get what you want, a relationship - and your method of getting it is to "be and do and say and become whatever he wants and needs". He can't invest in a hunk of play doh that is willing to squish and mold herself into whatever he wants, at any and all times.
He can't invest in a commodity that doesn't have needs, requirements, and requires commitment and obligation from him. And what YOU know is that if you had needs, requirements, and obligations for him to fulfill and meet and consider - he'd blow you off and tell you "go away". That's why you don't have the needs, requiremens and obligations - and that is why this is not an equality based relationship - and that is why ultimately it will not last.
Becuase he doesn't wnat YOU or A RELATIONSHIP enough to realign his needs, priorities, goals, and standards and values.....and you want one so bad you have no needs, priorities, goals, standards, and values other than to be the play-doh that molds into what he wants, 24/7/365.
Eventually, he'll kick the play doh to the curb...or else you'll do this for acouple of years, you won't have finished hte education, or gotten the promotions,you'll have lost ground professionally, and you'll start to get "embarrassed" with friends and family when you have to explain for the millionth time- "oh, he doesn't wnat to live with me, he's not ready to get married"...and you'll dissolve into a pool of tears and hopefully at some point, make something of yourself without him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
1) If he needs a weekend to himself, asking him out to dinner on the weekend would be a huge mistake. That would be telling him you that don't respect his needs or wishes.
2) Buying him a cell phone and paying for his usage would be lke trying to "buy" him and keep him on a leash. That would be another big mistake. You are also trying to buy him by paying for a trip to LA, but I don't think anything I say will dissuade you from doing that either.
3) You are afraid that if you give him space, he might want more? He probably will want more from time to time, but so what? That's perfectly normal. If you DON'T give him space, it's guaranteed that he will want more - perhaps permanently.
4) Accomplished liars can look you straight in the eye and lie to your face quite well. Honest people also look into your eyes when telling the truth. There is no way that anyone here can tell you if he is truthful. Only time, actions, and behavior will tell.
5) The way to keep a calm head, and not obsess over a short time apart is to have your own life. You should get going on developing a life of your own regardless of whether or not he wants space at any given time - other friends, hobbies, interests, books, volunteer work, etc.
6) Please do yourself a favor and get the counseling you need and try to learn some patience. If you can't afford therapy, at least read some self-help books that pertain to your issues.
I recently cut someone loose for being too needy/clingy too early on. He is a wonderful person in a tough situation - new father -financial issues and then he became depressed. He is also a great catch - marriageable age, wants more kids, wanted to be exclusive with me and probably in about 6 momnths to a year he will be back on track career wise - he is ivy educated and very successful - but I have no regrets - I don't need a needy/clingy/depressed man in my life especially when I've only known him 2 months - the "what if he's the last good catch I meet" did not factor into my decision.
I did not call him to try to go out to dinner with him. I am going to let him be. He does want me to call him later to chat and I probably will. I may change the way we see each other, by only seeing him on the weekends, although that will be hard for me.
I am going to try to keep myself busy so I dont obsess over him since I know that will kill the relationship. My biggest problem is that I am basically a nice person at hear. I have a kind and caring heart, and always have been like that. I find it hard to be tough with him since part of me feels bad for him. I have always have a kind heart and soul and I dont know how to be tough on people.
Yes, John is kind of the first real relationship I have ever had, and I am almost 31 (I did have one relationship with a guy for 4 years in college, it was nothing sexual, but it was a relationship, and that blew up in my face since he turned out to be gay - he is still a good friend of mines right now). I think part of my problem is that I approach this relationship as though there is no other one out there. Sometimes, I feel like that. I have been shot down by guys so many times, that I am sometimes afraid to even ask a guy out. John treats me well by my standards, he pays for meals for me, buys me little gifts, pays for movies, etc. Some of my female friends who have met him, think he is a great "catch" for he pays attention to me and is nice to me, etc. I have known a lot of female friends who do have boyfriends, who dont give them the time of day, who are basically mean to them, etc. and these girls still cling to them. The only difference between these guys and John is that most of those guys are successful professionals who make a decent living.
Right now, I feel like I am in the middle of the forest and I dont know what to do. I am terrified of making the wrong choices and destroying my life and, consequently, my relationship with him. I dont have a lot of friends around here. Most of my friends moved away after college, and the friends I have right now from grad school, all have husbands, boyfriends, and/or families. I am going to try to hook up with some of my friends from school, some of them have asked me to come and join water aerobics with them on Thursday night. I am seriously thinking of getting involved in that, so I can stay in touch with my friends and so I can actually do something and enjoy it, and not worry about John.
As for the moving down to where John lives, the whole motivation behind that is not completely due to John. I have lived in my current city for 13 years. I do not like this city anymore. It is a boring city, with no real nightlife. People here are stingy, conservative, and cheap. I grew up in LA and was hoping to move back there this year, until I met John. A few years ago, before John ever was in my life, I was seriously considering moving down to the city he lives in. He lives in Chicago, which is similiar in make-up to LA, in that it is a big city, with lots to do, lots of people to meet, and people are open-minded, etc. I still would like to move down to Chicago, whether it works out with John or not, since I want to be in a bigger city where there is more to do, where it is trendy, and where I can meet more people and make more friends. I have explained this to John, and he seems to understand.
I feel very stuck right now, mainly because I still have school. I am studying to be a teacher and i have one more year left (partially due to my stupidity). I have a good job, but each day I live in this city, and go to work, I look at where I am living and I just see people who are close-minded, who are cheapskates, etc.
Yes, I feel dissatisfied with my life and I dont know what to do about it. I tried to remedy it by going back to school and getting a masters in teaching, so I could have a chance to find a job in a bigger city, or move back to LA. Right now, the moving back to LA plans are shelved. I do want to give this budding relationship with John, a chance. If it were ever to work out, I have a feeling John would not move to LA, and I may have to give that part of my life up, but at least we could live in a big city, like Chicago.
I am trying to bring things into perspective. I talked to John on the phone last night and I told him my plans of joining water aerobics, etc. I also need to concentrate on school and get stuff done, since this is my last chance, since if I foul up this semester, I can kiss my dreams of being a teacher, goodbye. My mind feels so scattered and I dont know how to become grounded and concentrate on the things that are important. I just dont. I let my emotions and my worries control me, and eventually may destroy my relationship with John.
John is a nice guy, but he has no ambitions, except of being an artist. I know he suffers from ADD and from depression. For all I say about helping him, he doesnt like to take money or help from me. He is trying to pay off credit card bills, that is why he lives at home. He has told me that he wants to go on a trip with me, but he wants to save up for it, and he doesnt want me to have to pay for him, since he doesnt want to be using me or be a burden for me. He says he cares about me a lot. I dont know what to believe anymore. Maybe it is too early in the relationship to believe in anything. I dont know.
All I know is I am scared, and I do read all your posts, and I want so much to be grounded and focused like so many of you guys are.
Pages