how early can you talk 'serious' topics?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
how early can you talk 'serious' topics?
13
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:12am
Hello all. I really have some questions and I could use all the advice I can get. But, and I know this might sound a tad bit odd, but I am 35 yrs and do not have the same patience I once did at 21 when it comes to dating. I pretty much know what I want and do not want to waste time on someone who I clearly have no future with. (Not that I want to be rude, but my time is valuable and I don't have time to spend it on gameplayers that get no where).

Here is where I am right now. I have found this guy on this message board this past year or so who I find to be very attractive and interesting and feel as though there might be some real potential here.

At the same time, however, I also have the same need to do some pretty heavy 'screening', meaning, although I want to ask him out on a date, I also want to make the date very 'useful' and discuss important items for me to know such as what are his expectations, desires, need-to-haves and nice-to-haves in a relationship and also let him know mine, as well as talk about boundaries and a conflict resolution plan should we hit it off and want to go forward with it.

My question for you all is, is that too much 'serious' stuff to talk about on the first date? Or even in the first email?

When do you get to talk about the important things? How long do I have to I have to wait for all the unimportant things (talk about the weather, twiddle your thumbs) to get over with? How long do I have to wait to get to the point, the bottom line, of what do we really want and not want, and provided that, could we really do it, would we really be interested?

Patience for small talk (weather, etc) is not my strong suit, especially when my time is valuable and I know what I want and want to get straight to the point.

One more note, I will not be discusssing time lines, I have no deadlines for anything. What I primarily need to know is behavioural expectations and would we work well together.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 4:52am
Ok...how about this...ask the lady to get HIM to contact YOU if HE is interested. If he doesn't contact you, then you have your answer and you move on...no more wondering, no more hoping, and just let it go.

DON'T ask her to give you his email address. You may negatively affect her friendship with him and get them both offside.

In the meantime, put a profile on a few dating sites and see what kind of response you get there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:26am
I know what you mean by time restraints. As a business owner, my time is more precious than gold. But keep it in perspective. 1) You haven't even E-MAILED the guy yet. 2) If you come off like a litigation attorney in that first e-mail, I doubt he will even be interested in meeting. 3) If you do end up meeting and you come off like a litigation attorney, he will likely excuse himself to use the restroom and never return.

Men are funny creatures. They don't like to feel rushed. They don't like to feel pressured. And they don't like to feel like you are negotiating terms for them. Especially on the first date. While you can certainly ask him some of the lighter questions..."What do you like to do? What do you look for in a relationship? Where dyou see yourself in five years?" Don't come off so harsh. This should be part of casual conversation. Not a questionairre he has to fill out before you give him your gold stamp of approval.

I totally know where you are coming from. I prefer to cut to the chase, myself. But that is not how most people view it. And while it seems you have considered your needs, what about his? He may not even feel comfortable to divulging any of those answers on the first date. It's called chemistry. And if that isn't there, I would personally suggest, asking those questions would be a total waste of time. He could answer them all sufficiently to your standards and STILL never call you again.

If you really think he's a good match for you, why not show him you're a good match for him? Flirt a little. Smile alot. Try to open up enough opportunity for yourself to actually get the chance to ask him those questions as your dates progress. If you think you found someone who you would be interested in, GREAT!! Just make sure he doesn't lose interest in you right out of the gate.

Good luck!! Hope it all works out.

Elle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 7:59am
Well since you have been talking to him via a message board--I would have discussed some of things--pryer to deciding to meet--so he knew where you were coming from and what you wanted. However, if you did not-I would say the 1st date is all about chemistry and really seeing if you guys click--to talk on these things would be both premature and probably scare him to run away and never have the second date. I am soon to be 34 and understand your feelings of not wanting to waste time. I also do online dating. I usually ask these questions before me and the guy even meet--but dont go to the extreme of time frames or anything--because the bottom line is that only time will tell these things---I have learned that most men will say absolutely anything to get what they want--ANYTHING---so even if he tells you what you want to hear--only time will tell if he actually meant it. It's all a game. Finding the right one is like a needle in a haystack--good luck to you.

Pages