how early can you talk 'serious' topics?
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| Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:12am |
Here is where I am right now. I have found this guy on this message board this past year or so who I find to be very attractive and interesting and feel as though there might be some real potential here.
At the same time, however, I also have the same need to do some pretty heavy 'screening', meaning, although I want to ask him out on a date, I also want to make the date very 'useful' and discuss important items for me to know such as what are his expectations, desires, need-to-haves and nice-to-haves in a relationship and also let him know mine, as well as talk about boundaries and a conflict resolution plan should we hit it off and want to go forward with it.
My question for you all is, is that too much 'serious' stuff to talk about on the first date? Or even in the first email?
When do you get to talk about the important things? How long do I have to I have to wait for all the unimportant things (talk about the weather, twiddle your thumbs) to get over with? How long do I have to wait to get to the point, the bottom line, of what do we really want and not want, and provided that, could we really do it, would we really be interested?
Patience for small talk (weather, etc) is not my strong suit, especially when my time is valuable and I know what I want and want to get straight to the point.
One more note, I will not be discusssing time lines, I have no deadlines for anything. What I primarily need to know is behavioural expectations and would we work well together.

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DON'T ask her to give you his email address. You may negatively affect her friendship with him and get them both offside.
In the meantime, put a profile on a few dating sites and see what kind of response you get there...
Men are funny creatures. They don't like to feel rushed. They don't like to feel pressured. And they don't like to feel like you are negotiating terms for them. Especially on the first date. While you can certainly ask him some of the lighter questions..."What do you like to do? What do you look for in a relationship? Where dyou see yourself in five years?" Don't come off so harsh. This should be part of casual conversation. Not a questionairre he has to fill out before you give him your gold stamp of approval.
I totally know where you are coming from. I prefer to cut to the chase, myself. But that is not how most people view it. And while it seems you have considered your needs, what about his? He may not even feel comfortable to divulging any of those answers on the first date. It's called chemistry. And if that isn't there, I would personally suggest, asking those questions would be a total waste of time. He could answer them all sufficiently to your standards and STILL never call you again.
If you really think he's a good match for you, why not show him you're a good match for him? Flirt a little. Smile alot. Try to open up enough opportunity for yourself to actually get the chance to ask him those questions as your dates progress. If you think you found someone who you would be interested in, GREAT!! Just make sure he doesn't lose interest in you right out of the gate.
Good luck!! Hope it all works out.
Elle
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